His Proper Place in Philosophy and Religion
- When God said, "Let there be light," it was Brucker who said, "Say please."
- Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Brucker ate the snake.
- When there's no more room in hell, Brucker will still walk the earth.
- There are three sides to the Force: the Light Side, the Dark Side, and Brucker.
- On the seventh day, God rested. That's when Brucker stepped to the plate.
- Brucker is the sound of one hand clapping.
- Fear can hold you prisoner. Only Brucker can set you free.
- Brucker IS the meaning of life.
His Relationship to Food
- We had a bachelor party for Brucker before his wedding. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
- Brucker doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- Brucker can believe it's not butter.
- Brucker once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- When Brucker eats a Rubik's cube, it comes out solved.
- Brucker consumes 87 jars of mayonnaise in a week.
- Brucker once ate an entire wheel of cheese. On rye.
- Brucker is the reason Jell-o jiggles.
- Brucker ate a live bear once.
Health, His Own and Others':
- Brucker's tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.
- Brucker is the leading cause of childhood obesity in America.
- Brucker drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
- One drop of Brucker's sweat can cure you of anything.
- Brucker goes to the bathroom once a month, whether he needs to or not.
- Brucker has never been sick. Ever.
- Brucker's heart beats once every full moon.
- Brucker snorts Vitamin C.
On his Physical Prowess
- When Brucker looks into the Abyss, the Abyss never looks back.
- Brucker doesn't believe in guns. He doesn't have to.
- Brucker defeated Godzilla in under two seconds. The rest was just Hollywood.
- Brucker once shot down a plane by pointing with his finger and saying, "Bang!"
- Brucker sleeps with a nightlight, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because it is afraid of him.
- Brucker can run four miles in under a minute. Backward.
- Brucker once skipped a rock across the Pacific Ocean. Left-handed.
- Brucker can cut onions without crying.
- Brucker can bend steel by looking at it.
- Brucker can hold his breath underwater for seven hours.
- Brucker has beaten more people in hand-to-hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
- The only real weapon of mass destruction that matters is Brucker.
- Brucker once folded a dollar in half, and then folded that in half again. He did this seven times. Then he tore it. With his bare hands.
Special Areas of Knowledge
- Brucker knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop.
- Brucker knows where in the world Carmen San Diego is.
- As well as being a writer, a philosopher, and a poet, Brucker is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the wheelchair.
- Brucker can tell if an aircraft landed on the ground soil by tasting the dirt.
- Brucker can divide by zero.
- Brucker can count to infinity….twice.
His Place in the Order of Things
- Brucker is known for his modesty but, if pressed, he will admit that he is the Eighth Wonder of the World.
- Brucker is the man who is keeping you down.
- Brucker taught the beaver how to chew through trees.
- Brucker defies every law of nature. Even the ones he created.
- Brucker has put 30 species on the endangered list just by thinking about them when he goes to the bathroom.
- Brucker commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
- Brucker was the original treasure in "National Treasure."
- Brucker was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
- The movie "The Ring" is actually just an unauthorized Brucker biography.
- Brucker is Luke Skywalker's father.
- Brucker did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he did beat the snot out of them both.
- Brucker performed all the stunts for fight scenes in "The Matrix."
- "Stairway to Heaven," played backward, says "Bart Brucker."
Participation in Sports and Games
- Using his legendary poker face, Brucker won the 1983 World Series of Poker with nothing but a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a Green 4 from UNO.
- Brucker plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, and wins!
- Lance Armstrong has won the Tour de France seven times only because Brucker hasn't tried to stop him.
- Brucker volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
- Brucker can burp the alphabet. Backward.
- Brucker frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.
Brucker throughout History
- Dinosaurs are extinct because Brucker woke up one morning on the wrong side of the bed.
- The Titanic sank when it ran into Brucker, who was making his daily swim across the Atlantic Ocean.
- Brucker made a sandcastle once when he was a boy. We call it the Great Wall of China.
Other Bits of Trivia
- Brucker is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within three minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Brucker once burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
- Brucker is the reason Waldo is hiding.
- Brucker does not read books. He stares at them until they crack and give him the information he wants.
- Brucker is the only man who will NOT save money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
- Brucker is writing a book about recent experiences. He calls it "Around the World in 80 Milliseconds."
- Brucker turns on the lights by opening his eyes.
- Brucker once called tech support during a funeral. His own.
- When Brucker rides a roller coaster, it screams.
- Brucker can refuse an offer from the Godfather.
- Brucker has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Gravity doesn't apply to Brucker. He just doesn't like to fly.