Sunday, April 08, 2007

odd facts about brucker

I recently came across this information and knew at once that it was about my good friend Bart Brucker. I share it here for everyone's edification.

His Proper Place in Philosophy and Religion
  1. When God said, "Let there be light," it was Brucker who said, "Say please."
  2. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Brucker ate the snake.
  3. When there's no more room in hell, Brucker will still walk the earth.
  4. There are three sides to the Force: the Light Side, the Dark Side, and Brucker.
  5. On the seventh day, God rested. That's when Brucker stepped to the plate.
  6. Brucker is the sound of one hand clapping.
  7. Fear can hold you prisoner. Only Brucker can set you free.
  8. Brucker IS the meaning of life.

His Relationship to Food

  1. We had a bachelor party for Brucker before his wedding. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  2. Brucker doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
  3. Brucker can believe it's not butter.
  4. Brucker once ate a banana without having to peel it.
  5. When Brucker eats a Rubik's cube, it comes out solved.
  6. Brucker consumes 87 jars of mayonnaise in a week.
  7. Brucker once ate an entire wheel of cheese. On rye.
  8. Brucker is the reason Jell-o jiggles.
  9. Brucker ate a live bear once.

Health, His Own and Others':

  1. Brucker's tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.
  2. Brucker is the leading cause of childhood obesity in America.
  3. Brucker drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
  4. One drop of Brucker's sweat can cure you of anything.
  5. Brucker goes to the bathroom once a month, whether he needs to or not.
  6. Brucker has never been sick. Ever.
  7. Brucker's heart beats once every full moon.
  8. Brucker snorts Vitamin C.

On his Physical Prowess

  1. When Brucker looks into the Abyss, the Abyss never looks back.
  2. Brucker doesn't believe in guns. He doesn't have to.
  3. Brucker defeated Godzilla in under two seconds. The rest was just Hollywood.
  4. Brucker once shot down a plane by pointing with his finger and saying, "Bang!"
  5. Brucker sleeps with a nightlight, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because it is afraid of him.
  6. Brucker can run four miles in under a minute. Backward.
  7. Brucker once skipped a rock across the Pacific Ocean. Left-handed.
  8. Brucker can cut onions without crying.
  9. Brucker can bend steel by looking at it.
  10. Brucker can hold his breath underwater for seven hours.
  11. Brucker has beaten more people in hand-to-hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
  12. The only real weapon of mass destruction that matters is Brucker.
  13. Brucker once folded a dollar in half, and then folded that in half again. He did this seven times. Then he tore it. With his bare hands.

Special Areas of Knowledge

  1. Brucker knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop.
  2. Brucker knows where in the world Carmen San Diego is.
  3. As well as being a writer, a philosopher, and a poet, Brucker is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the wheelchair.
  4. Brucker can tell if an aircraft landed on the ground soil by tasting the dirt.
  5. Brucker can divide by zero.
  6. Brucker can count to infinity….twice.

His Place in the Order of Things

  1. Brucker is known for his modesty but, if pressed, he will admit that he is the Eighth Wonder of the World.
  2. Brucker is the man who is keeping you down.
  3. Brucker taught the beaver how to chew through trees.
  4. Brucker defies every law of nature. Even the ones he created.
  5. Brucker has put 30 species on the endangered list just by thinking about them when he goes to the bathroom.
Appearances in Pop Culture
  1. Brucker commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
  2. Brucker was the original treasure in "National Treasure."
  3. Brucker was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
  4. The movie "The Ring" is actually just an unauthorized Brucker biography.
  5. Brucker is Luke Skywalker's father.
  6. Brucker did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he did beat the snot out of them both.
  7. Brucker performed all the stunts for fight scenes in "The Matrix."
  8. "Stairway to Heaven," played backward, says "Bart Brucker."

Participation in Sports and Games

  1. Using his legendary poker face, Brucker won the 1983 World Series of Poker with nothing but a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a Green 4 from UNO.
  2. Brucker plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, and wins!
  3. Lance Armstrong has won the Tour de France seven times only because Brucker hasn't tried to stop him.

His Hobbies

  1. Brucker volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
  2. Brucker can burp the alphabet. Backward.
  3. Brucker frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.

Brucker throughout History

  1. Dinosaurs are extinct because Brucker woke up one morning on the wrong side of the bed.
  2. The Titanic sank when it ran into Brucker, who was making his daily swim across the Atlantic Ocean.
  3. Brucker made a sandcastle once when he was a boy. We call it the Great Wall of China.

Other Bits of Trivia

  1. Brucker is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within three minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  2. Brucker once burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
  3. Brucker is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  4. Brucker does not read books. He stares at them until they crack and give him the information he wants.
  5. Brucker is the only man who will NOT save money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
  6. Brucker is writing a book about recent experiences. He calls it "Around the World in 80 Milliseconds."
  7. Brucker turns on the lights by opening his eyes.
  8. Brucker once called tech support during a funeral. His own.
  9. When Brucker rides a roller coaster, it screams.
  10. Brucker can refuse an offer from the Godfather.
  11. Brucker has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
  12. Gravity doesn't apply to Brucker. He just doesn't like to fly.

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