Wednesday, November 09, 2005

too bad codey didn't run

Another piece from the Brothers Grinn mailing list, sent out today. It's true that if God meant for us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Important lessons from the New Jersey election

Closely watched because of its potential significance for setting the tone and expectations of next year's congressional races, the state of New Jersey has just wrapped up its race between multimillionaires Jon Corzine, a Democrat, and Doug Forrester, a Republican. Take heed, gentle reader, and learn these important lessons from the New Jersey gubernatorial campaign:

    1. New Jersey: Putting the "goober" back in gubernatorial.
    2. Poor ethics? No ethics? No problem!
    3. Insults and personal slurs are great filler material when you've misplaced your list of talking points (or never bothered to draw one up).
    4. Any schmuck can roll up his sleeves and work at resolving issues like tax relief and political reform, but it takes a special type of candidate to draw more than 40 percent of the vote with vague and insubstantial promises while having no clue about how to implement them.
    5. Unemployed multimillionaires bored after buying a U.S. Senate seat can still add a little spice to their lives by buying a governorship.
    6. Party solidarity, high-ranking connections, and a personal fortune to oil the party machinery trump popularity and quality every time.
    7. Contrary to the popular wisdom, nuclear power and toxic waste are not the most hazardous risks to living in New Jersey.
    8. Maybe it is wasting your ballot to vote for an acting governor who's not running, but it is infinitely more satisfying than going with one of the official choices.
    9. Purchase a house for the boss of the state's biggest labor union -- heck, even make a habit of repeatedly "christening" it with her -- and by Election Day, still no one will care.
    10. Remember, you're not spending $73 million on campaigns filled with mean-spirited, personally offensive attack ads -- you're using millions of dollars to stimulate the economy!
    11. If this is democracy, maybe Iraq was better off without it.
    12. You're better off living in Sandusky, Ohio

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