alien: the next generation

Actually, now that I think about it, this one was pretty good too. I especially love the way the author, also uncredited, has the characters so clinically studying the alien's predatory nature, not to mention the fight scene between Worf and the alien when it breaks out of its victim's chest. I used to publish an e-zine of Star Trek fanfic and parodies back in college, and this was definitely one of my favorites as well. And no, I don't believe I altered this one at all.

Scene 1
Some planet deep in the Federation that no one has been to. Riker, Data, Geordi are checking out the flora.

RIKER: What do you make of it Data?

DATA: It appears to be a large pod, but there are no roots. I am not sure what it is. I think we would be better able to examine it in a lab.

GEORDI: Data's right. There's movement inside, but I can't see it.

RIKER: Of course not. You're blind. Transporter room, three to beam up.

Riker, Data and Geordi dematerialize with the pod in Data's hands.


Scene 2
Biology Lab: Riker, Picard, Data, Crusher and Wesley are examining the pod.

WESLEY: Let me see! I want to see!

PICARD: Shut up Wesley! Data, what do you make of it?

DATA: It appears to be dormant at this time, Captain. I am not quite certain whether it is harmful or not.

PICARD: Hmmm. You mean it could be dangerous.

DATA: I believe that is what I said.

WESLEY: Let me see! I want to see! Why are adults always so big?

PICARD: Shut up Wesley!

RIKER: It's my fault, Captain. I let him have ice cream for desert. It won't happen again.

Riker backhands Wesley.

PICARD: See that it doesn't. (to the intercom) Picard to bridge.

WORF: Worf here, Captain.

PICARD: Worf, is the decontamination circuitry working on the transporter?

WORF: No sir. I believe an engineer is working on the transporter. Apparently, the decontamination circuitry is inoperative. Do you want them to fix it?

PICARD: Oh. Oh, yes, of course. Make it so. (to the rest) I think it would best if we isolated the pod. I think we should leave the lab until we know what we are dealing with.

Everyone turns to leave except Wesley who moves closer.

WESLEY: Let me see!

PICARD: Shut up Wesley!

The pod opens and a strange alien creature attacks. It attaches itself to Wesley's face and coils its thickly muscled tail around Wesley's neck.

WESLEY: Urghhh! Gluck! Guhhhhgghhh!

PICARD: Thank you!

CRUSHER: Oh my god! It's got my son.

RIKER: Wesley, I thought I told you no "seconds," remember?

DATA: How interesting. It appears to be predatory, Captain.

PICARD: Indeed. I think you are right.

CRUSHER: Will somebody do something!!!!

The door opens and Yar bursts in.

YAR: Wesley, didn't I explain to you about using aliens? Stand back everybody.

Yar sets her phaser on full power and fires, blowing a hole in the alien creature. Fluids from the alien flow all over Wesley's face, melting it down.

CRUSHER: Oh! What have you done! Wesley, speak to me!!!

DATA: Wesley is unable to speak, doctor. As you can see, there is a strange tubular appendage protruding down his esophagus. I doubt the flow of air would be sufficient to permit speech.

PICARD: Good. Now let's get back to work.

CRUSHER: I'm not going to let this happen. I'm going to save my son, no matter what.


Scene 3
The bridge. Normal crew members. Data and Geordi are sitting at their consols; Riker, Picard and Troi are spreading in their seats; Yar and Worf are playing Space Invaders.

PICARD: Who farted?!!

RIKER: Not me. (looks across at Troi who turns red)

TROI: (recovering) I feel guilt, but it's not mine. (looks over to Data)

DATA: I am an android, I do not fart. (looks at Geordi)

GEORDI: If it had been me, I would have seen it. (looks at Worf)

WORF: Klingons fart only in airlocks. (looks at Yar)

YAR: As your Chief of Security, I'd know if it had been me, sir. (looks at Picard)

PICARD: Shall we take a vote on it? (everyone looks at Picard)

CRUSHER: (On the intercom) Crusher to Bridge!

PICARD: Picard, bridge here, er, I mean....

RIKER: (smiling) You mean bridge, Picard here, right sir?

PICARD: Yes! Thank you number one. What is it Dr. Crusher?

CRUSHER: I think you better come down here, Captain, it's the alien, its gone!

PICARD: It is, oh, is Wesley dead?

CRUSHER: No, he's alive.

PICARD: Damn. Just what does it take to get rid of him? We'll be right there. Mister LaForge, you have the con.

GEORDI: Aye, sir.

Picard, Riker, Data, Yar and Worf leave the bridge. Various other individuals enter from several different doors.


Scene 4
Sickbay. Wesley's lying on the couch, as he sits up, half his face falls on the floor.

DATA: It appears Wesley has been picking his nose again.

RIKER: It's my fault. It won't happen again.

CRUSHER: Wesley hasn't been picking his nose, it was the body fluids from the alien that did this.

YAR: Found it Captain. (Yar picks up a rather large, beige crab with a lizard's tail attached to it) It's dead.

WORF: Too bad. I would have enjoyed fighting it.

PICARD: By the way, what about the decontamination circuits, Worf?

WORF: They are still inoperative, sir. If there are any diseases, it would be an honor to fight them for you, sir.

PICARD: (looking at Wesley) I would not think that ice cream would not be inappropriate for young Wesley, don't you think so Number One?

RIKER: I agree, sir.

DATA: (looking a bit puzzled) Captain, I tried to follow all your negatives, but I am not sure I understand what it was you said.

RIKER: (returning with the ice cream) Here you go, Wesley.

WESLEY: Oh boy! (Wesley begins eating, but stops after a while) I don't feel so good.

YAR: You see Wesley, ice cream makes you feel good while you're eating it, but when it's done, you don't feel so good. So say no to ice cream and you can have a figure like mine.

Wesley's stomach pulsates, and then erupts in a mass of blood and ice cream. A small head appears and flashes its teeth. Worf flashes his teeth back.

ALIEN: Keeee-yeaaaahnnnn!!!!

WORF: Aaaaarggggghhhhhh!!!!

YAR: Watch it Worf! Don't make him mad.

Worf grabs a laser scalpel from a tray and attacks. The alien retreats into Wesley's body cavity and Worf attempts to pursue. There is a loud cracking sound as Wesley's rib cage is broken up.

WORF: (sounding like Curly) Wub wub wub wub wub!!!!

WESLEY: (sounding like he's in pain) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH......

DATA: Worf is now exhibiting the Klingon cry of glorious satisfaction.

PICARD: (looking at Wesley's dead body) I concur.

CRUSHER: Ohh..hh.hh.hhhh....hhhh! (sniff) He.. waszz huh huh.. my only suh..huhhnnnn...uhhh!

PICARD: (slapping Crusher) Get a hold on yourself doctor. There are a thousand passengers and crew on this vessel. They need you. I don't think anyone needed... "the boy."

YAR: Worf, did you get it?

WORF: No, it got away.


Scene 5
The Bridge. Only Picard is there.

PICARD: Captain's log, stardate 35.77. This alien has killed my entire crew. I have tried to reason with it, but to no avail. I have no other choice but to do a saucer separation and make my way to the nearest starbase and inform Starfleet. I have located the alien on deck 12, and will have the warp engines self destruct, killing this most horrible beast, this creature formed from some malevolent force, oh thou art such a cruel... uh, ahem... Captain out.

Picard separates the saucer section and blows up the other half of the Enterprise. While snoozing in his chair, he becomes aware of a presence on the Bridge with him. He becomes alert and readies his phaser.

PICARD: You!! You!! You've killed my crew, but I'll defeat you!!!

ALIEN: (drooling and picking its teeth)

A flash of light behind Picard causes him to turn.

Q: Go ahead, kill it. It's an unknown, it's dangerous. What's the matter, Picard, hair growing on the inside of that chrome dome caused your brain to malfunction?

PICARD: Q!!! So you're behind this. Where's my crew? What have you done you murderous scoundrel?!!!!!

Q: Oh come now, mon Capitan. I'm just observing. I didn't bring the alien aboard. You did. Shoot it. It's dangerous.

PICARD: No, No!!! I won't do what you want. We're civilized. We aren't barbarians anymore.

Picard lowers his phaser and the alien attacks, biting off a chunk of Picard's head.

Q: Jean-Luc, I wasn't joking this time. I really meant it, it's dangerous. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. Oh my. You foolish humans will never amount to anything. Even Microbrain was smarter than you!

PICARD: (dying) Whaaat.. what did you mean you weren't joking...

Q: (looking like Wesley) Shut up, Picard.

who's on first

This remains one of the best Star Trek fanfics I've ever read, doubtless because of the strength of the Abbott and Costello routine. I have no idea who wrote this particular adaptation, though I did modify the ending myself to its current form, back in college, in order to take things to their ultimate conclusion.

"Who's on First?"

Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty are huddled in a corridor near a transporter room, talking with one another, in the distance, Spock rounds a corner and heads toward the group.

McCOY. Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something.

SCOTTY. Aye, doctor.

KIRK. Ah, hello Mister Spock.

SPOCK. Good day, captain.

KIRK. Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock?

SPOCK. Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire must be blind!" Is this correct?

KIRK. Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

SPOCK. Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history. Perhaps I may be of assistance.

KIRK. That's the idea.

SPOCK. Very well. Proceed.

KIRK. All right. Who's on first.

SPOCK. I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.

KIRK. So?

SPOCK. Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

KIRK. No, Who's on first.

SPOCK. I do not know.

McCOY. Third base.

SPOCK. Who is?

KIRK. No, he's first base.

SPOCK. Who is?

KIRK. Correct.

SPOCK. Who is correct?

KIRK. Sometimes.

SPOCK. Who is sometimes?

KIRK. No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.

SPOCK. Whose identity?

KIRK. No, him I know -- he's first baseman.

SPOCK. Who is?

KIRK. That's right.

SPOCK. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.

KIRK. What.

SPOCK. I said the second baseman.

KIRK. What.

SPOCK. This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked: who is the second baseman?

KIRK. No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

SPOCK. Very well. Captain, I ask you politely: Who is the second baseman?

KIRK. No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

SPOCK. That is incorrect, captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?"

KIRK. Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.

SPOCK. That statement is most illogical.

KIRK. Wait a minute -- we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott?

SCOTTY. Enters from the transporter room. Aye, cap'n?

KIRK. Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

SCOTTY. Aye, cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

KIRK. You see, Spock?

SPOCK. Yes ... very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman?

SCOTTY. Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

SPOCK. I know that be what ... er ... is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

SCOTTY. Ach! Dinna bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event.

SPOCK. What has this got to do with field events?

SCOTTY. Ach! No! What's the second baseman.

SPOCK. Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott.

SCOTTY. Only if he's tha fairst baseman, Mister Spock.

SPOCK. What you are saying is most illogical.

SCOTTY. Ach! No! What's a real bright fella.

SPOCK. Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott?

SCOTTY. No, sir. Who ... now he's a real dope, sir.

SPOCK. Who is?

SCOTTY. Aye.

SPOCK. Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher?

KIRK. Tomorrow.

SPOCK. Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better.

McCOY. Well, Spock, Today is good, but he's the catcher.

SPOCK. Who is?

SCOTTY. Nay, Mr Spock -- Who's the first baseman.

SPOCK. I do not know.

KIRK. Third base!

SPOCK. What?

KIRK. No, he's on second.

SPOCK. Who is?

KIRK. No, Spock, Who's on first.

SPOCK. I do not know.

McCOY. Third base!

This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket. Spock is babbling incoherently.

KIRK. Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time?

Eason is Benched

Nothing dies on the Internet. As proof I offer this Star Trek parody, written by yours truly my sophomore year of college. (That would have been in 1989-90.) There have been times I've done ego searches for things I wrote and posted to the Usenet, but I never was able to find this one. Until yesterday. It's not very funny, admittedly, but I wrote it on a lark after someone posted a football message on rec.arts.startrek.

"Eason is benched"

Lt. Worf stomps up and down the Enterprise corridors, very angrily while Wesley follows him all over the place, acting like an annoying brat.

Wesley: Gee, Worf, it's almost my bedtime, how about that? When I was really little Mom used to read me bedtime stories. She used to read me stuff like Trigonometry for Three Year-Olds and Quantum Physics Made Simple. My favorite one was written by Captain Scott, on warp drive and how it could be improved, like the new quadratic drive on the Enterprise.

Worf: (hitting communicator) Security to Holodeck 5. Hostile enemy detected inside, executing program #1-800-555-2929, "Cabbage Patch Kids Record Collection."

Wesley: (still talking) He said there might be some potential in trilithium crystals, provided we adjusted the flow through the osculatory valve by about 5 Ramazidians, and...

Security arrives. There is a massive shoot-out in Holodeck 5 in which little pieces of cabbage go flying everywhere, even out into the corridor where they dissolve in little sparkles of light. At last the dangerous pre-schooler is apprehended and escorted by security to the brig. Worf emerges from the holodeck.

Wesley: (still talking)... which I think is complete nonsense, since everyone knows abstract pigs don't secrete mathematical cows. But anyhow, Worf, what sort of bedtime stories do Klingons read their children?

Worf: Klingons do not read bedtime stories.

Wesley: But you must do something to relax your children at bedtime.

Worf: (Nods.) Klingon parents dip their children in boiling oil before they put them to bed.

Wesley: (He is shocked.) Boiling oil? Oh my gosh! Why?

Worf: It relaxes the nerves, and helps the children to sleep more easily.

Wesley: Boy, Worf, life on the Enterprise must sure seem dull to you with Klingons used to all that.

Worf: I'd prefer the oil.

-----------------------------------------------------------
[scene shifts to show the Earth orbiting the sun, and we hear Picard's voice begin to speak those well-known words...]

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier...

Wait a second. That's the wrong season's opener. You're supposed to show a galaxy.

[scene changes to a galaxy toward which we begin rushing alongside Haley's comet, which was blown way off course by the US military in 2063, when they thought it was an incoming Soviet missile.]

[Picard's voice begins again.]

As I was saying, The Final Frontier...

These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, her ongoing mission, to seek out new -- hey what happened to Saturn? That's not my starship!

[scene now shows the old Enterprise, NCC-1701 in orbit around one of those orange planets TOS was so noted for having an abundance of.]

[Kirk's voice now kicks in.]

Kirk: To seek out new life, and new civilizations...

Picard: Hey, what are you doing here? This is my show! Get out of here, you relic!

Kirk: Relic? Who are you calling a relic? You're a lot older than me, buddy!

Spock: (Observing as the two captains argue, one eyebrow raised. Then, noting that the credits are beginning, speaks.) To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Pulaski: Hey, that's sexist! It should be, "Where no *one* has gone before!"

[The argument continues as the opening credits roll. Over the ST:TNG music we can distinctly hear shouts of "Upstart!", "Baldie!", "Antique", and a few rounds of phaser fire. The credits at last end, and we see the TNG Enterprise warp off into space.]

============================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Advertisements for reruns from TNG's first two seasons.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is playing tonight.
If you use Crest toothpaste, your teeth will look nice.
============================================================

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 3456.789: Hmmm... I wonder what the chances are of that happening -- never mind, Data.

Wesley: (to Riker) ... and you should have seen him, Commander Riker, he was incredible! I thought for sure Worf had had it when that intruder threw "There Was an Old Lady who Swallowed a Smurf" at him!

Riker: That reminds me, where is Worf? We was due up here fifteen minutes ago.

Data: Unknown at this time.

[Worf stalks in, very mad. When Wesley says hello, he growls back, stomps up to his duty station, and pounds his fists onto the control console. A dozen photon torpedoes are fired and travel on into space where they will eventually meet a large gathering of B'nga'Low Attack vessels about to invade the Federation, and obliterate them. However, this is in the distant future, and does not concern us.]

Troi: Captain, I sense great anger.

Picard: (very concerned) Where is it coming from, Counselor?

Troi: I am not sure, Captain, but it seems to be coming from this bridge.

[Everyone is staring intently at Troi, and only Wesley notices a blinking light on his control panel.]

Wesley: Captain Picard, there's something you should know...

Picard: Quiet, Wesley. Troi is trying to isolate the source of this anger.

Wesley: But Captain, I...

Riker: Wesley, be quiet. Wait until the captain gives you permission to speak. A good officer always obeys his captain's orders.

Wesley: But... but...

Worf: No "buts." Sir, request permission to kill the boy.

Picard: (seriously considers it) ... denied, Lieutenant. I'd have to explain it to his mother.

Troi: It seems to be coming from Worf...

[All turn to look at Worf whose teeth are clenched in anger, and whose eyes are roaring with rage.]

Picard: Are you sure? I don't want any more false alarms.

[Suddenly, the ship rocks violently as a barrage of phaser blasts hit it.]

Picard: What was that?

Wesley: A Borg ship just opened fire on us, Captain.

Picard: Why didn't you tell me when it came in range, ensign?

Wesley: I tried, sir, but you wouldn't let me.

Riker: Wesley, a good officer would always disobey his captain's orders if the ship were threatened.

Wesley: But... but...

Worf: No "buts." Sir, request permission to kill the boy.

Picard: A most tempting offer, lieutenant, but one I am afraid I must decline. Wesley's demise and the Borg ship will have to wait. We have an important crisis on our hands. Would everyone please come into my ready room?

[Scene change. They are now inside the ready room, about to have a conference.]

Picard: Mr. Data, do you have any idea why Lt Worf has been so angry?

Data: It could be he has reached the Toyz'r'us stage of his adulthood.

Picard: What does that entail?

Crusher: Every time an adult Klingon male faces some life-threatening crisis, he must play a ritual game of football, with his closest friends and family.

Data: Might I suggest, sir, that the Borg ship only fifteen hundred miles from the Enterprise overrides any ritual game we might otherwise play for Worf's benefit?

Picard: (snorting) Hah! That's easy for you to say! You don't sit directly in front of a man bordering on psychotic behavior who has access to the weapons lockers.

Riker: Besides, in the event that there are hostilities, we'll need Worf at his best.

Picard: (starting at a loud noise) Eh? Someone's firing phasers? Who?

[They emerge from the ready room to discover Worf has destroyed the Borg vessel with the phaser battery used in "Q Who."]

Picard: What is the meaning of this attack on an enemy ship?

Worf: I got sick of these conferences, and decided a little positive action was needed, sir. So I destroyed it. Sir.

[Picard wears one of those looks as if to say we've got to do something before this gets out hand.]

============================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
William Shatner appeared on Arsenio Hall three weeks ago.
A TOS rerun of "Where no man has gone before" is on next.
Joe Isuzu pulls another sneaky on the guys at Honda.
============================================================

[The bridge crew is assembled in Holodeck Five, which has been set up to resemble a 20th century football field.]

Data: But why is my position called "quarterback?" Would not "ballthrower" be more appropriate, as I am to throw the ball?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Data: And why do we call it a "touchdown," when I do not have to touch the ball down to the ground in order to score?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Data: Why do we have an engineer who seems to know so little about things outside his area of expertise?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Wesley: So, Worf, what kind of football are we going to play? Two-hand touch?

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* play two-hand touch. We tackle.

[The teams soon split up with Riker, Wesley, Geordi, and Crusher on one team. The other team is Picard, Data, Tasha, Worf, and Troi.]

Picard: Why do we have a dead woman on our defense?

Data: It would seem that one of the writers, when posting to rec.arts.startrek, made reference to putting Tasha on defense.

Picard: That's a very weak defense. Perhaps we should surrender.

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* surrender.

Picard: (overshadowed by the gigantic Worf) I see your point, Lieutenant. Perhaps I spoke in haste.

[The game begins with Riker's team kicking off to Picard's. Worf catches it and rushes forward. Wesley gets in his way and Worf plows him under, leaving him to hang on to Worf's leg. At last Worf trips over Wesley's head and the ball stops on the fifty yard line.]

Troi: Captain, I sense great pain coming from Acting Ensign Crushed.

Data: Surely you mean Acting Ensign Crusher?

Troi: No, I mean acting ensign *crushed*, and don't call me "Shirley."

[The game continues some more, until the two teams are tied in the fourth quarter. Worf has crippled members of both teams, and the ball now sits on the 30 yard line on the fourth down, with Picard's team in possession.]

Picard: Time out!

Data: Has anyone seen my arm? I seem to have lost it when Worf thought I had fumbled.

Troi: Why don't you have Geordi look for it with his VISOR?

Data: He lost it when Worf tackled him.

Picard: (waving his arm to dismiss the small talk) We'll find your arm in due time, Lieutenant. All we need is a field goal to win, so --

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* punt. Sir.

Picard: Then --

Worf: We shall go on to a glorious victory, and crush their spirit forever! We shall score a touchdown!!

Picard: But, Worf --

Worf: Data, I will run straight through to the goal post and you will pass it to me. Captain, you will run out to the right and yell "Here, Data" when you are clear.

Picard: But --

Worf: Time in!!!!

Troi: Captain, I sense great frustration.

Data: Three Point! One Four! One Five! Hike, hike!

Riker: (who was trying to block Worf): AIIIGGGHHHH!!! MY CHEST!! I THINK YOU BROKE A FEW RIBS!!

Worf: Only a few? I must be losing my touch.

[He goes and breaks the rest of them for good measure.]

Picard: (now in the clear) Here, Data!

Data: The Captain's commands outweigh Worf's. Hence, I will throw it to him.

[Data passes the ball to Picard who stands there dumbfounded. Wesley, who was trying to cover Picard intercepts and runs all the way back to his goal post and scores the winning touchdown for his team as the clock runs out.]

Worf: Sir, request permission to kill the ensign.

Picard: (Without hesitation) Granted.

[Worf draws a phaser and shoots Wesley who glows bright red and disappears in the tradition of TOS]

[Back on the bridge... ]

Picard: Now, Mr. Data, if you will get us out of here. Warp Three. Well, Number One, what did you think of our treatment for Mr. Worf's problem?

Riker: (From inside body cast) I think it worked quite well, sir. There's no solution like removing the problem. I think the whole bridge will be better off now that *he's* gone.

Troi: Captain, I sense great satisfaction.

Picard: It's something we should have done back during "Encounter at Farpoint." Stupid brat.

[Suddenly, there is a flash of light and on the set appears... ]

Gene Roddenberry: Now you know how much I liked Wesley, Picard. You can't get rid of him *that* easily. (waves his hand)

Wesley: Wow! What a great football game, huh, Worf?

Troi: Captain, I sense great anger building...

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES...

stardate: saturday morning

No idea who wrote this. To my knowledge it predates the Usenet, and therefore the World Wide Web as well. First saw it myself in 1988 as a college freshman. I am sure it is much older than that. But it remains one of the most creative Star Trek parodies I've ever seen.

Let us suppose the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captain's log would be worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty.

Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ensign Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation.
Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channeled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.