Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The first chills of autumn come in summer

Life comes in stages, not all of them pleasant.

Ten to fifteen years ago everyone I knew was getting married. The year Natasha and I tied the knot, there were three other couples we were friends with who made it official.

The weddings were followed within a few years by a prolonged slew of babies. My brother Herb and his wife, Pam, had a son. Natasha and I followed less than a year later with Evangeline. Then Ward and his wife, Rhoda, had a daughter. All told there are five little Learnlings running around right now, though the youngest is 5.

Last year I noticed a number of my friends were separating and getting divorced. The marriages that were pledged to last the rest of their lives were coming crashing down around them, and one by one, they were deciding to leave.

And now, while it is still summer, I can feel the first chill of autumn as wind stirs in the leaves overhead.

I buried an aunt last year, followed by an uncle. We buried Natasha's mother this summer, taken by an early frost. Now I have another aunt in Georgia who has been given two to eight weeks to live.

And my own parents, who at 68 have had good innings, are no longer as young as they once were. They're both slowing down, and though they've been there my whole life, it's increasingly plain to see that they won't be there forever.

The sun rises in the East and sets in the West, and as the day ends, all slips into darkness. This too is meaningless.



Copyright © 2008 by David Learn. Used with permission.


beautiful explanation of death

A terminally ill man had been visiting his pastor. As he was preparing to leave, he turned to his pastor and said, "Pastor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the pastor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know?" the man asked incredulously. "You're a Christian man, you're a preacher. Don't you know what is on the other side?"

The pastor had been holding the handle of the door to his study. From the other side of the door came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to his parishoner as the dog ran to the center of the room and stood by the nice new ottoman, the pastor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing: I know my master is there, and that is enough."

And then he kicked the dog for piddling on the furniture.


May today there be peas within you,
And lettuce and watercress too.
May you trust God that you are exactly
Where you are meant to be,
Unless you're in Harrisburg, or
Just outside Augusta, Georgia,
In which case you're probably screwed.
I believe that friends are quiet angels
Who quietly bear us along when our wings
Have trouble remembering how to fly.

(So please don't drop me. It's a long way down.)

Sunday, July 06, 2008

RIP, Nancy

We are all rivers, and Mother is our source. Whether we are close or far removed makes little difference. Her passing brings a drought that we must weather as best we can until the snow of another season brings relief.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Time for farewell: the black rider approaches

We found out this evening that Natasha's mother has about two or three months to live.

She told us a couple years ago that she had been diagnosed with small-cell carcinoma, a particularly aggressive form of cancer. Now the cancer has metastasized, as cancers will do, and has spread to her liver, her lungs, a rib, her arm, and her lumbar region. Surgery removed the tumor from her neck, but there's nothing they can do about the rest of it. Her body is too spent from the cancer and a previous chemo regimen to handle further chemo at this point.

My wife, as I'm sure you can understand, is taking it pretty badly. Natasha is only 33; her mother, 57. It is far too early to say goodbye, and yet the time has come when goodbyes must be said. She is flying out to Arizona next Wednesday, and will stay there through June 10 to help Ma and her partner as she recovers from surgery. (The partner also has cancer, in his colon.)

This news about her mother's situation comes hard on the heels of a 30-day notice by her employer that her position is being eliminated due to funding shortages. On that same day that they said they expect her to take her accumulated vacation time first, rather than cashing it out at the end. Bad news comes not upon a single horse but with a stampeding herd.

Grief, however, is ruthless. If we don't pay her toll when first requested, she guarantees that we will pay, later, at a far steeper price.

Evangeline and Rachel know that their grandmother has cancer, and they know that she's been in the hospital because of it. They don't know yet that it's terminal, nor do they know that they probably won't get to see her again. (I can't even begin to tell you the knot it puts in my stomach to set that down so coldly in writing.)

We're going to talk with them about it tomorrow night at dinner. I expect it will be difficult for them both, because they love Grandma.

Years ago the Brucker remarked that the true evil of death isn't borne by the one who dies. For the departed, death is a mercy. It ends suffering and puts them beyond the reach of disease, old age or spite.

The evil of death is visited upon the people who are left behind. Children, grandchildren, parents and friends are left with an empty space for as long as they remain on this earth. I see that happening here, and I'm struck by just how spot-on his comments were.

I appreciate your prayers. Natasha has a long road ahead of her, and I plan to be with her every step of that winding path.

Thanks everyone for your time spend reading this, and thank you for your prayers.



Copyright © 2008 by David Learn. Used with permission.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

in memoriam

There’s a certain je n’est sais quoi to how I feel about the death of Tim Canavan last Monday ― not pleasure or relief, but not exactly grief either.

Tim Caravan was the editor in chief at WCN Newspapers, where I had the misfortune to work for nearly two-and-a-half years, from May 2002 until October 2004. It was in many respects the worst job I have ever had, a distinction due in some part to Tim and the way he treated his staff and ran the editorial department.

At the time I started, Tim was undergoing treatment for cancer. He already had lost his hair and much of his weight because of the chemotherapy, and was in the middle of a rather grueling battle against his own body that had just included brain surgery to remove a tumor that had metastasized there. In the months that would follow, Tim would get a clean bill of health at one bioscan, only for something new to show up six months later. Surgeons removed an adrenal gland and even part of his lung, but ultimately were unable to remove the cancer. He died last Monday, surrounded by his siblings and their families.

Reading the article that WCN Newspapers ran on its web site about his passing, you can read the sort of comments you hear whenever somebody dies: what a nice fellow he was, how dedicated to his profession he was, and how he worked tirelessly to make the world a better place. There were even a few anecdotes I imagine were supposed to be heartwarming, to show how decent he was.

Usually when I read this sort of story, if it’s about someone I know, my mind flashes with one burst of insight after another. So that’s why he was like that, I think. Aha! That’s the aunt he always talked about. That sort of thing. With Tim’s obituary, I might as well have been reading an account about a complete stranger.

The Tim I knew was none of those things. He was neither inspiring in his commitment to community journalism, nor a tireless crusader for justice. He was not, ultimately, either honest to a fault nor trustworthy, nor was he professional in the extreme, nor was he a genius about his job as some would have him.

The Tim I knew was far less inspiring an individual. He was, in many regards, a man who preferred sticking to something he was competent at but long ago had ceased to enjoy, over taking a risk, moving on to something new, and learning something new. What was worse, he discouraged others from moving on, had a low threshold for disagreement and at times engaged in overtly unethical or even illegal conduct.

Some of my dislike for Tim surely is personal. At one point, after I had expressed an interest in leaving my post as managing editor for something a bit more challenging and interesting, he promised me a post in another office, where I would be in charge of training the editorial staff there and shaking things up to improve the product ― and then broke his promise and gave the post to someone else who had less experience and lower salary expectations.

He ran the newspapers with a heavy hand, keeping editors understaffed, underpaid and overworked on antiquated equipment. Another editor and I once tracked our hours at averaging between 50 and 60 hours a week, including marathon duties on Monday and Tuesday, in a job where at $35,000 a year, I was one of the best-paid employees. Those lengthy hours were necessary because we lacked reporters; as an editor with two newspapers, I was required to write four to five stories, in addition to my editorial duties, which typically involved editing eight to ten stories by my reporter, writing four editorials, assigning news photographs, and copy editing the entire contents of the newspaper. Those who complained found that not only were their complaints ignored, they either were criticized themselves, or in some cases were strongly encouraged to leave. One reporter actually was fired while he was on disability.

The worst breach of ethics came after I had left to become a stay-at-home father. A member of the school board in one of our communities had been videotaped in a tryst in a public park, and a copy of that video had found its way into the hands of an editor, who was set to write a story about it. Tim axed the story ― a debatable decision, but in some ways respectable ― and then called the board member in question, explained about the videotape, and then promised not to run it if the board member were to resign.

Where I come from, that’s called blackmail. It’s not an admirable trait in anyone, least of all in a journalist.

I never found myself inspired by Tim, and I never felt particularly close to him. But when I heard that he had died, I considered going to his funeral just to pay him the last respects he was due as a human being.

It’s been a busy year for death in my circle. This year I’ve watched as friends buried an infant son, as my cousins buried their mother, and as my aunt buried her husband. One theme has run constant through all the funerals: We are all made of corruptible mortal flesh, and that makes us more alike than our differences separate us.

Tim Caravan was many things I wish I were not, and would hope that I could never be: scared to try something new, and resentful of those who aren’t; blind to what others endure to bring his vision of efficiency into existence, and in the end so sure of the rightness of his actions that he is blind to how obviously corrupt they are.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

My last wishes when I ring down the curtain and join the choir invisible

When I die, I want what's done with my body to be what makes a difference for the living.

This seems only appropriate, all things considered. What happens to my body won't make much difference to me since I'll be dead. Stuff me afterward with all the sawdust you want, cremate me and stick my ashes in an urn on the mantlepiece, or turn me into fertilizer. I really won't care. I'll already be dead.

That's why I want things to benefit the living. I want all my harvestable organs and blood removed. Give someone else a chance.

Cremate me if you want. Scattering the ashes makes a degree of sense since it symbolizes that I am being borne away to heaven, but only if my family wants it that way. My wife's dad was cremated after dying while she was a college sophomore. Not only didn't she get to see his body, she doesn't have a place to visit. Kind of a double-whammy.

My grandmother was cremated before her funeral in 1991, and it was hard for me to feel a sense of closure because I never saw her body. Cremation's fine, I just wish emotionally that I had been able to say goodbye.

Death is a long way off, I hope; and when it comes, I hope to greet it with as much sass and snark as I've greeted life. But when I say goodbye, I want to do it with a grace that befits the people around me. Give them what they need, and let me go my way in peace.



Copyright © 2003 by David Learn. Used with permission.


Friday, May 31, 2002

Have me stuffed and mounted when I pass on

When I die, I'd like to be stuffed and mounted by a taxidermist. Perhaps they could even set me up so that whenever someone shakes my hand, candy comes out of my mouth.

All kidding aside, I do want to have all my viable organs removed and given to people in need. I hesitate to go for cremation, though. Why? Because my Grandmother Ergood was cremated when I was 20, and it's a little hard to get that closure when you're dealing with a box of cremains and not seeing the person's body.

One of the more interesting means of burial I've read about is what they call "air burial." The Motilone Indians in Colombia leave their dead spread out in a tree house for the birds to come and carry the deceased off to heaven. Maybe we could try that.

On second thought, definitely go with the taxidermist.