humpty dumpty

It had been a grueling day for Humpty Dumpty. One of the younger eggs in the carton had been in hysterics most of the day, calling for the hen that had laid it; another of the eggs had been in a difficult mood and unwilling to do anything without a great deal of prodding. And of course, the refrigerator was a mess, someone still needed to change the light bulb, and there were disturbing reports about tensions on the eastern borders of the kingdom. Let things go the way they were right now, and the kingdom could end up involved in a third war by the end of the year, which of course meant that more eggs than ever would be needed to feed the troops.

He sighed, and wiped the moisture that was beading around the top of his shell. He thought back to the time when he had been a new egg, fresh from the henhouse. It couldn't have been that long ago, but it seemed impossibly remote. He hadn't known enough to be worried about what the farmer was putting into the chicken feed, nor had he ever thought to worry about whether the hens were getting enough exercise. And of course it had never even occurred to him that there might be mercury in his own yolk

The world was spinning out of control. Maybe it always had been, and he had been too young an egg to appreciate it before, but he certainly noticed it now. His carton, which originally had been nothing but a comfort a joy to him, now felt confining and he found himself growing resentful toward it instead of drawing strength and purpose from it.

At times like this, Humpty Dumpty needed a moment's respite to clear his head and let everything go. Perched here atop the kitchen counter, he could feel at ease again. He sat, like a bird on a wall, and tried to relax.

For a moment, he did feel at peace, but that moment of serenity evaporated into fear as he felt more than just his troubles slipping away. Terror swelled in him as he slipped from the counter and the hard tiles of the kitchen floor raced up at him. There was a sickening crack, and a fleeting sensation of ooze, and then the world went dark.

When the king's cook entered the kitchen the next morning, Humpty Dumpty was still lying there, a mouse burying its face in his splattered yolk. There was nothing to be done — no one could put a shattered egg back together — so with a weary sigh, the cook scraped the mess up and threw it into the slop bucket.

And no one ever noticed that the unfortunate egg was gone.

Humpty Dumpty, and other nursery rhymes, reconsidered

I was cleaning out my hard drive, when I found this file. I don't remember writing it, so I'm not sure how it got on my hard drive since I don't remember getting it my e-mail either, and it's in Word format too. Still, if I did write it -- and it's possible I did, I suppose -- I can't say I think much of the worldview it expresses.

The top of the wall was in sight now; just a little further, and he would be free. What a shock it had been that morning, when he had discovered the fate that awaited him and all his relatives. How he had argued with them, fought to convince them to join him in this desperate bid for freedom.

"I can't see what your problem is," his sister had told him. "It's our fate; it's what we're born to."

"But there's so much more to life," he had pleaded. "Don't you see? We don't have to end like this. We can become so much more."

"Get off it, buddy," someone else had said. "It's not that bad. At least you'll make someone happy when you go."

Not me, he thought resolutely. No one, not even the king himself, is going to make an omelette out of Humpty Dumpty.

The top of the wall was in reach now. With a mighty lift, Humpty Dumpty pulled himself up. In the forest outside the palace there were chickens still undomesticated. One of them would take him in, hatch him, and raise him up so he could explore his full potential. He was going to make it. He sat down to catch his breath, and inadvertently sent a few pebbles falling down into the keep.

A mounted guard heard the noise and called out to him. "Stop! In the name of the king, who goes there?"

Humpty looked down at the guards who were gathering in response to the sentry's challenge and looked wistfully out at the life he had nearly found.

"It is I, Humpty Dumpty, a true egg and no breakfast to any man!" he cried, and with a mighty lunge, he threw himself to the ground in front of the guard's mount, where he fractured his shell and spattered yolk everywhere.

Still, I shared this piece with two friends of mine, Aaron and David. Our ensuing discussion follows, duly color coded:

Mr. Dumpty preferred either liberty or death to bondage.  I personally find
it an admirable stance.

It's a rather bleak message, I think. "Accept the fate others have decreed for you, or perish." And he wasn't slated for slavery anyway -- just breakfast. As it is, the ants got him.

Oh, well, in that case, never mind...  =P
Wellll, since we're on the topic:
1. What was little Bo Peep doing that she managed to lose a whole flock of bleating sheep?
2. Why was little Boy Blue tooting his own horn? (See #1)
3. What was nimble and quick Jack running away from, and why was there a candlestick in his way, and why didn't he just go around?
4. How did the three blind mice know where the clock was, and how did they pull off an "Everest-climbing" feat by touch alone, without guide ropes or picks to aid them?
5. If woodchucks can't chuck wood, why do we care how many of them could do it?
6. Why are pecks of pickled peppers growing to be picked? Doesn't Peter have to pickle them himself?
7. How cold were the farmer's hands that the cow was able to jump the whole way over the moon?
8. Why was the itsy bitsy spider climbing a spout? What's at the top of the spout worth going to see -- unless this was "Amazing Spider WaterSlide Park?"
9. Studying the forensics of this crime, did Jill push Jack down the hill and then slip herself, resulting in their early demises, or were they both just complete klutzes?
10. Why did the old woman choose to live in a shoe, instead of a condominium? How did she manage to fit in a shoe? Was it a platform pump or a sling-back heel, or maybe a combat boot? And why did she have so many kids, especially if she didn't know what to do with them, and where was Mr. Old Woman -- had he left her for Goldilocks?
11. Why was Jack Horner sitting in a corner to eat his pie (was he in trouble? Or did he sneak off with it?), and why did he call himself good if he was nothing but a common thief? And who the heck puts plums in their pies anymore?
12. If you recognize the twinkles to be stars, why the hell are you wondering what they are? Don't you already know? (They're STARS, stupid!)
These are challenging questions, and I don't expect you to have answers for all of them.