Do not throw this letter away. It has the power to bring you good luck and prosperity; failing to follow its directions could lead to disaster. This letter has been around the world nineteen times and has been translated into twenty-three languages.
It began in late 1864, when it was dictated to Mary Todd Lincoln, U.S. President Lincoln's wife, through a medium, by the spirit of her late son Tadd Lincoln. Despite Mary Lincoln's great belief in the spiritual world, her husband would not let her follow its instructions, and early in 1865, President Lincoln was shot and killed by John Wilkes Booth. Mary Lincoln went mad with grief and eventually was consigned to an asylum.
After President Lincoln's assassination, the letter was discovered by his vice president and successor, President Andrew Johnson. President Johnson neglected the letter and was impeached, but at the last moment he remembered the letter, and sent out 10 copies to various heads of state and childhood friends, and he was acquitted by one vote.
This is not a hoax; the chain letter has power from the spirit world. Hundreds of people have ignored it and suffered the consequences. In 1892, Pierre Jean Hugo received a copy of the French version of the letter and threw it out, and broke his leg the next day after falling down the stairs. A neighbor of his, Francois Duchatellier, also received a copy. Monsieur Duchatellier sent out ten copies and a week later inherited a chicken farm outside Digne. His great-grandson later sold the chicken farm for $10 million to Frank Perdue of Perdue Chickens.
In the early twentieth century, the archbishop of Sarajevo received a copy of the letter, and thinking himself immune to such letters, rejected it. Six months later, he was assassinated and Europe was plunged into World War I, perhaps the bloodiest conflagration the world has ever seen. But when Jafar Abu-Shabazz in Kenya received a Swahili version of the letter in 1938 and sent out ten copies, he not only married his childhood sweetheart, but he escaped World War II when several of his friends and neighbors were conscripted and died in the military.
Send no money; money has no place in spiritual matters. Simply make ten copies of this letter and send them to friends, relatives or strangers via e-mail or a regular postal service within one week, then sit back and wait for your luck to change. U.S. President George Bush didn't believe in chain letters, but when he mailed ten copies in early 1991, he was able to defeat Saddam Hussein in the Gulf War with minimal casualties. President Bush sent a copy to Ted Turner, and as a result of his own diligence, Ted Turner was able to establish CNN as a credible news organization with its spot coverage of the Gulf War.
Ten copies are all that is needed to bring good fortune. Don't be like Northwood High junior Michael Rogerstein who failed to copy the letter in 1963. He broke his leg two weeks later and was unable to attend the prom with his girlfriend. Instead, she went with Virgil Forrest and married him instead, and didn't even invite Michael to the wedding. Gillian Anderson sent out copies and as a result has become a famous actress for her performance as Dana Scully on the X-Files.
Just send out ten copies. It works!
Showing posts with label brothers grinn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brothers grinn. Show all posts
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
beautiful explanation of death
A terminally ill man had been visiting his pastor. As he was preparing to leave, he turned to his pastor and said, "Pastor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the pastor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know?" the man asked incredulously. "You're a Christian man, you're a preacher. Don't you know what is on the other side?"
The pastor had been holding the handle of the door to his study. From the other side of the door came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to his parishoner as the dog ran to the center of the room and stood by the nice new ottoman, the pastor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing: I know my master is there, and that is enough."
And then he kicked the dog for piddling on the furniture.
Very quietly, the pastor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know?" the man asked incredulously. "You're a Christian man, you're a preacher. Don't you know what is on the other side?"
The pastor had been holding the handle of the door to his study. From the other side of the door came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to his parishoner as the dog ran to the center of the room and stood by the nice new ottoman, the pastor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing: I know my master is there, and that is enough."
And then he kicked the dog for piddling on the furniture.
May today there be peas within you,
And lettuce and watercress too.
May you trust God that you are exactly
Where you are meant to be,
Unless you're in Harrisburg, or
Just outside Augusta, Georgia,
In which case you're probably screwed.
I believe that friends are quiet angels
Who quietly bear us along when our wings
Have trouble remembering how to fly.
(So please don't drop me. It's a long way down.)
And lettuce and watercress too.
May you trust God that you are exactly
Where you are meant to be,
Unless you're in Harrisburg, or
Just outside Augusta, Georgia,
In which case you're probably screwed.
I believe that friends are quiet angels
Who quietly bear us along when our wings
Have trouble remembering how to fly.
(So please don't drop me. It's a long way down.)
Friday, October 28, 2005
Brothers Grinn: Bush nominates 'people's justice' for nation's high court
From the Grinn News Service:
Bush nominates 'people's justice' for nation's high court
WASHINGTON (Oct.28, 2005) - Once Harriet Miers had withdrawn her nomination for the U.S. Supreme Court, the nation began to wait with baited breath for the person Bush would name to replace her.
Would he name a winner, a justice the entire nation could fall in behind, someone with experience, knowledge, name recognition and actual ability? Would it be a woman, or another minority? Perhaps Bush would nominate the first Asian, Arab or Hispanic, or even the nation's first openly gay justice?
Or would he blow it again and pick a loser?
"Loser," David Robinson, political analyst with the Center for Public Thought, predicted Thursday evening. "Definitely a loser."
Robinson and the rest of the nation didn't have long to wait. Bush's announcement came Friday morning, with the start of the work day at the White House.
"It gives me great pleasure to put forward the name of Judge Wapner for the U.S. Supreme Court," Bush said Friday before a press corps that has become increasingly numb with each day of the Bush presidency.
"I believe we're all familiar with Whopper's legal rulings and his proven track record of interpreting the law in a quick, concise manner on weekday afternoons. He will be justice for the people of this country, and I have no doubt he will get the court to issue rulings faster. I've been assured that if the nomination goes through by Christmas, we can get his complete crew to come along and present us with capsulated summaries of court rulings as soon as they're made.
"I wish I had thought about old Whoppy first."
Andrew Card, spokesman for the White House, was quick to deflect criticism of the nomination, which ignores the fact that Wapner, 86, has been off the air for years and fails to consider other equally untalented judges, such as Judge Judy and Mike Judge, creator of cartoons like "Beavis & Butthead" and "King of the Hill."
"We're hopeful that the Senate Judiciary Committee will ... oh God, I can't do this," he said, breaking down into tears. "For God's sake, how am I supposed to make George sound intelligent when he pulls this crap one day after another? Someone get me the Canadian embassy on the phone. I want to move."
Card was whisked away by officers of Homeland Security and has not been seen since.
Officials in Canada, Mexico, and forty other countries indicated they would be unable to process any asylum requests by Card for months or years, owing to the backlog caused by the heavy emigration from America over the last five years.
Students await results of inquiry into tattletale
MARKLE CITY, Utah (Oct. 28, 2005) - Students at Washington Hills Elementary School remain on edge today as they wait for the shoe to drop in a lengthy investigation into the leaking of confidential schoolyard information to teachers.
Third-graders Carl Rovers and Scooter Libby are under the most suspicion for taking part in the tattling, back when they were in first grade. At the time, classmate Georgey Porgie had kissed several of the girls and made them cry on the precept that the girls were smuggling cooties into the school and had to be stopped before they could cause an outbreak.
Another classmate, Joey Wilson, earlier that day had looked inside the girls' purses and claims to have found no trace of cooties anywhere. When he published his findings in an assignment for composition class, another of the classmates told teacher Miss Miller that Wilson had been playing Cops and Robbers with little Valerie Plamingo, in violation of the school's Zero Tolerance rules, and had even said, "Bang bang, you're dead. I shot you!" to her.
Wilson and Plamingo were suspended from the school for three days and forced to attend violence sensitization classes for another four months. Wilson believes that he and Plamingo were outed to punish him for criticizing Porgie's pre-emptive kissing escapades.
Emmett Fitzgerald, the first boy in the classroom to learn how to tie real shoelaces and not just Velcro, was commissioned by his classmates toward the end of the school year to determine who the tattletale was. Rovers and Libby are considered prime suspects.
If Fitzgerald names either boy today as the guilty party, it is likely he will be beat up during recess and will go back inside wearing his underpants on his head. Unnamed sources say that this will be an improvement.
Bush nominates 'people's justice' for nation's high court
WASHINGTON (Oct.28, 2005) - Once Harriet Miers had withdrawn her nomination for the U.S. Supreme Court, the nation began to wait with baited breath for the person Bush would name to replace her.
Would he name a winner, a justice the entire nation could fall in behind, someone with experience, knowledge, name recognition and actual ability? Would it be a woman, or another minority? Perhaps Bush would nominate the first Asian, Arab or Hispanic, or even the nation's first openly gay justice?
Or would he blow it again and pick a loser?
"Loser," David Robinson, political analyst with the Center for Public Thought, predicted Thursday evening. "Definitely a loser."
Robinson and the rest of the nation didn't have long to wait. Bush's announcement came Friday morning, with the start of the work day at the White House.
"It gives me great pleasure to put forward the name of Judge Wapner for the U.S. Supreme Court," Bush said Friday before a press corps that has become increasingly numb with each day of the Bush presidency.
"I believe we're all familiar with Whopper's legal rulings and his proven track record of interpreting the law in a quick, concise manner on weekday afternoons. He will be justice for the people of this country, and I have no doubt he will get the court to issue rulings faster. I've been assured that if the nomination goes through by Christmas, we can get his complete crew to come along and present us with capsulated summaries of court rulings as soon as they're made.
"I wish I had thought about old Whoppy first."
Andrew Card, spokesman for the White House, was quick to deflect criticism of the nomination, which ignores the fact that Wapner, 86, has been off the air for years and fails to consider other equally untalented judges, such as Judge Judy and Mike Judge, creator of cartoons like "Beavis & Butthead" and "King of the Hill."
"We're hopeful that the Senate Judiciary Committee will ... oh God, I can't do this," he said, breaking down into tears. "For God's sake, how am I supposed to make George sound intelligent when he pulls this crap one day after another? Someone get me the Canadian embassy on the phone. I want to move."
Card was whisked away by officers of Homeland Security and has not been seen since.
Officials in Canada, Mexico, and forty other countries indicated they would be unable to process any asylum requests by Card for months or years, owing to the backlog caused by the heavy emigration from America over the last five years.
Students await results of inquiry into tattletale
MARKLE CITY, Utah (Oct. 28, 2005) - Students at Washington Hills Elementary School remain on edge today as they wait for the shoe to drop in a lengthy investigation into the leaking of confidential schoolyard information to teachers.
Third-graders Carl Rovers and Scooter Libby are under the most suspicion for taking part in the tattling, back when they were in first grade. At the time, classmate Georgey Porgie had kissed several of the girls and made them cry on the precept that the girls were smuggling cooties into the school and had to be stopped before they could cause an outbreak.
Another classmate, Joey Wilson, earlier that day had looked inside the girls' purses and claims to have found no trace of cooties anywhere. When he published his findings in an assignment for composition class, another of the classmates told teacher Miss Miller that Wilson had been playing Cops and Robbers with little Valerie Plamingo, in violation of the school's Zero Tolerance rules, and had even said, "Bang bang, you're dead. I shot you!" to her.
Wilson and Plamingo were suspended from the school for three days and forced to attend violence sensitization classes for another four months. Wilson believes that he and Plamingo were outed to punish him for criticizing Porgie's pre-emptive kissing escapades.
Emmett Fitzgerald, the first boy in the classroom to learn how to tie real shoelaces and not just Velcro, was commissioned by his classmates toward the end of the school year to determine who the tattletale was. Rovers and Libby are considered prime suspects.
If Fitzgerald names either boy today as the guilty party, it is likely he will be beat up during recess and will go back inside wearing his underpants on his head. Unnamed sources say that this will be an improvement.
Friday, October 07, 2005
hope for the writing bug
Over at Brothers Grinn, we've slowly started to reverse our downward movement in subscribers. We were at 1100 or so before the big hiatus, and we're now in the low 700s. That's more than a third of our readership, which isn't too surprising even if it is moderately depressing.
I'm hoping we can start to hit a stride and get some momentum again, since when we do, we're usually pretty funny, and start to pick up new readers. The way to do that, based on our previous experience, is to get the mailings going with something approaching regularity, with some regularly identified, recurring elements ... and wait for people on mailing lists and web sites to start noticing us again and pointing us out to everyone.
I think we have a potentially much higher readership than this, although if memory serves, the membership list started taking small dips followed by big surges around the time we reached 900, suggesting that that's our first natural plateau, and that if we can really push past that, we'll get hordes more through viral marketing.
Natasha had some touching words for me the other day, that she wants to see me doing more writing as well, and publishing it for money. What was touching was that she made it clear that she really believes me as a writer, and considers me a better writer than several other people we know who are already published. I had no idea she cared that much, not about the money but about the writing.
Things like that inspire me. I'm hoping we can set aside some time on a regular basis during the evening for me to write, whether Brothers Grinn stuff, A Messy Faith or (more importantly) the book. I'm also hoping I can formally collect some of the Brothers Grinn stuff we've written and try submitting it to a publisher. (That was one of my incentives for restarting this.)
I'm hoping we can start to hit a stride and get some momentum again, since when we do, we're usually pretty funny, and start to pick up new readers. The way to do that, based on our previous experience, is to get the mailings going with something approaching regularity, with some regularly identified, recurring elements ... and wait for people on mailing lists and web sites to start noticing us again and pointing us out to everyone.
I think we have a potentially much higher readership than this, although if memory serves, the membership list started taking small dips followed by big surges around the time we reached 900, suggesting that that's our first natural plateau, and that if we can really push past that, we'll get hordes more through viral marketing.
Natasha had some touching words for me the other day, that she wants to see me doing more writing as well, and publishing it for money. What was touching was that she made it clear that she really believes me as a writer, and considers me a better writer than several other people we know who are already published. I had no idea she cared that much, not about the money but about the writing.
Things like that inspire me. I'm hoping we can set aside some time on a regular basis during the evening for me to write, whether Brothers Grinn stuff, A Messy Faith or (more importantly) the book. I'm also hoping I can formally collect some of the Brothers Grinn stuff we've written and try submitting it to a publisher. (That was one of my incentives for restarting this.)
Thursday, September 15, 2005
President resigns amid Katrina scandal
Bush resigns amid Katrina scandal
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Grinn News Service) - His face heavy with remorse, a somber George Bush today announced his resignation from the presidency amid accusations that his administration had bungled relief efforts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.
A palpable aura of grief and stunned disbelief blanketed the capital as news of the announcement spread. Bush, who has enjoyed record approval ratings in the wake of his largely successful war on terror, which has resulted in a free, democratic Iraq and the stabilization of the Middle East, said his resignation will be effective Nov. 20, when Vice President Dick Cheney will replace Bush as president.
"I take full responsibility for the federal government's failure to bring aid and relief to the New Orleans victims of Katrina," Bush said in a televised address from the Oval Office. "Our failed efforts to provide relief stem from decisions and appointments made during my presidency, and I believe it is essential that the right person be held accountable at times like this, and not a scapegoat. I am that person. The fault is mine.
"Therefore, I hereby resign as president of the United States. I will work closely with incoming President Dick Cheney to ensure that the transition is a smooth one and that the people of the United States and the people of the world will have no need to fear instability or an unsteady hand at the nation's helm."
Political analysts nationwide were stunned by the day's events. Bush's willingness to admit mistakes and his forthrightness in humbly taking responsibility for those errors have been hallmarks of his administration, but evidently few expected such drastic action.
Across the capital, political figures on each side of the aisle confessed themselves stunned by the gravity of the president's response, even considering the horrifying delays in the federal response to Katrina, which caused billions of dollars of damage in New Orleans, reduced the city to anarchy, claimed an estimated thousand lives and left thousands of others stranded with no food, water or medical attention.
Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic Party, wished Bush good fortune in the twilight days of his administration.
"I wish he really wouldn't go," said Dean, who sought but failed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination in 2004. "President Bush has been a uniter and not a divider all five years he's been in office, and it's hardly fair to place all the blame on his shoulders. He's being made a scapegoat."
Some political analysts believe Bush's resignation was inevitable once the news reports started rolling in about the situation in New Orleans. Jonathan Hanks, a professor of political science at Princeton University, said the pressure of precedent weighed too heavily upon Bush for any other decision to be possible.
"Just look at the spate of high-profile resignations in the past 20 or so years," Hanks said. "Clinton resigned after admitting to perjuring himself about the Lewinsky affair, and before that, Janet Reno took full responsibility for the Branch Davidian deaths in Waco, Texas, and resigned from being attorney general. Ronald Reagan, held as the example of what a Republican president should be, took full responsibility for the Iran-Contra scandal and resigned.
"The only president in recent history to take 'full responsibility' for something without taking any sort of redemptive action was President Nixon. Nixon acknowledged a role in the Watergate coverup, but refused to resign. True, he was able to complete the remainder of his term, but his legacy was tainted forever," said Hanks.
"Bush could follow that example and claim to take responsibility without actually doing anything, in the hopes that the American people will be satisfied with mere semantics," Hanks allowed. "But doing that would make a mockery of honor, responsibility and integrity. Who could respect himself after doing something like that?"
Friday, September 09, 2005
i love writing humor
This is from an upcoming Brothers Grinn mailing, pending any changes or additions by my co-smartass. I can almost imagine someone in the oil industry trying to put this sort of spin on the current state of gas prices:
POLL: AMERICANS LIKE HIGH GAS PRICES
Americans not only enjoy paying $3 or more per gallon at the pump, many of them would like to pay more, a recent survey has found.
The survey, conducted by ExxonMobil, asked viewers if they would prefer to spend their life savings on gas over the course of six months, or if they would rather be locked in a closet overnight with Ernest Borgnine while he recites his lines from "McHale's Navy" using the voice of Miss Piggy.
The survey showed that 84 percent of all male motorists prefer to spend their extra money on gas, with the number dropping significantly, to 4 percent, if they were locked in the closet with Scarlet Johannsen instead of with Ernest Borgnine.
The number of women who preferred to spend their money on gas hovered around 80 percent whether they were locked in a closet with Ernest Borgnine or with Scarlett Johannsen. The number of women who would rather pay at the pump rose sharply to 98 percent when the alternative was to be locked up with Ashton Kuchner.
"America will never allow itself to be locked in a closet with anyone," said analyst Ron Milton of Catasauqua University in eastern Pennsylvania. "It's our right to squander natural resources, waste our wealth and poison the air. Buy more SUVs! We're Americans."
Survey results have a margin of error of plus or minus 50 percent.
BICYCLISTS JOIN EVOLUTION DEBATE
A group of Kansas bicyclists have joined the debate in that state over whether to teach Intelligent Design as a viable scientific theory alongside evolution.
The group, a wide mix of professionals who have decided to save gas by riding their bikes to work, have rallied together under the banner "Natural Selection, not Intelligent Design." The bicyclists are taking their message to the state's hoghways, where they expect to get the widest possible audience.
"It's the only way I know how to get to work anyway," explained Robin O'Connor, as she pedaled her bike onto a busy interstate and was immediately hit by a tractor trailer going 90 mph.
So far, about 40 percent of the group's founders have given their lives for the cause. The remaining members explain that they will continue to carry the mission forward until they have proven that natural selection has guided the human evolutionary process by eliminating those unfit for survival, such as those who ride their bikes on highways with no shoulders.
Despite their unorthodox method of argument, their efforts have received attention from the Kansas State Board of Education, and caused a few members to reconsider their position.
"I had always thought that life was so complex and wonderful that it had to be the work of an intelligent designer," said one board member who has supported the Intelligent Design position in the past. "But these idiots sure are making a good argument against any intelligence being involved in any way in their origin."
Monday, September 05, 2005
Brothers Grinn: back in business?
I sent out the first Chicken Soup for the Soulless piece for the first time in over a year, yesterday. It feels good to be back in the saddle.
Chicken Soup for the Soulless grew out of those annoyingly saccharine e-mails that people forward to everyone in their mailbox, about the meaning of life, footprints in the sand, and how God loves America more than any other nation in the world. I started making improvements and sending them back to the people who had first shared them with me, sold a few to The Wittenburg Door, and soon found myself running a mailing list with my friend.
The highlight of our run when was when Chicken Soup for the Soul threatened us with a lawsuit.
In addition to the lawsuit (which got us attention from The Home News-Tribune, The Times of Trenton, NJ Biz, the About.com Christian Humor site, and a Trenton-based legal journal), we were getting links from all over. We had readers in the military, the government, Youth Specialities, and God only knows where else. Plus, we had readers in Cambodia, China, Singapore, Russian, the United Kingdom, Australia and probably more than a dozen other countries with Internet access.
For various reasons, having to do rather somewhat with the labor-intensive nature of the list -- we wrote all our own stuff, and never made any money on it -- we took a long break, starting about two or two-and-a-half years ago. We wrote a few and distributed a few things during that period, but mostly the list was silent.
Not surprisingly, we lost about 250 readers during the most recent hiatus, an attrition due simply to people changing their e-mail addresses. I'm wondering if we'll take an even bigger hit when people check their e-mail and find themselves subscribed to a list they barely remember, if at all.
Well, I have hopes of getting the list's momentum back. I sent out a new mailing on Sunday evening, a little piece that turned an inspirational vignette about how heaven wouldn't be heaven without your dog, into a piece about SUVs and the people who drive them.
I'm working on a mailing for Tuesday or Wednesday about the Bush administration's solution to the growing energy crisis. After that I have plans for a murder mystery that I might be able to stretch into a couple weeks. We'll see.
My job at WCN was a bitch, and really ruined writing for me. It's good to be getting past that at last. I hope I can stay the course this time and get over them.
By the way, if you want to subscribe to the Brothers Grinn, we're hosted by Topica.
Copyright © 2005 by David Learn. Used with permission.
The highlight of our run when was when Chicken Soup for the Soul threatened us with a lawsuit.
In addition to the lawsuit (which got us attention from The Home News-Tribune, The Times of Trenton, NJ Biz, the About.com Christian Humor site, and a Trenton-based legal journal), we were getting links from all over. We had readers in the military, the government, Youth Specialities, and God only knows where else. Plus, we had readers in Cambodia, China, Singapore, Russian, the United Kingdom, Australia and probably more than a dozen other countries with Internet access.
For various reasons, having to do rather somewhat with the labor-intensive nature of the list -- we wrote all our own stuff, and never made any money on it -- we took a long break, starting about two or two-and-a-half years ago. We wrote a few and distributed a few things during that period, but mostly the list was silent.
Not surprisingly, we lost about 250 readers during the most recent hiatus, an attrition due simply to people changing their e-mail addresses. I'm wondering if we'll take an even bigger hit when people check their e-mail and find themselves subscribed to a list they barely remember, if at all.
Well, I have hopes of getting the list's momentum back. I sent out a new mailing on Sunday evening, a little piece that turned an inspirational vignette about how heaven wouldn't be heaven without your dog, into a piece about SUVs and the people who drive them.
I'm working on a mailing for Tuesday or Wednesday about the Bush administration's solution to the growing energy crisis. After that I have plans for a murder mystery that I might be able to stretch into a couple weeks. We'll see.
My job at WCN was a bitch, and really ruined writing for me. It's good to be getting past that at last. I hope I can stay the course this time and get over them.
By the way, if you want to subscribe to the Brothers Grinn, we're hosted by Topica.
Copyright © 2005 by David Learn. Used with permission.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
saddam double killed
SADDAM BODY DOUBLE'S DECOY BELIEVED KILLED IN ALLIED BOMBING
By Jocko Grinn
BAGHDAD, Iraq. (Grinn News Service) — A decoy for one of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein's body doubles was believed killed in an allied bombing late Tuesday night.
Allied forces, acting on intelligence that Saddam has been the unwitting puppet of one Mohammed Chang -- reportedly the body double of one of Saddam's more cunning body doubles -- dropped powerful ordnance on a residential structure in Bagdhad where Chang was said to be playing Gnip Gnop with body doubles of Saddam's sons Uday and Qusai.
The bombs — four HSOABs, or Half-Sisters Of All Bombs, twice removed on Aunt Edith's side — struck the upscale al-Mansour section of western Baghdad. The bombs used up all the hot water and tied up the phones all afternoon up to 300 yards away, wrinkled pages of the regime's diamond-studded Entertainment Today magazines, and started moving their things into people's rooms while they were away at school, leaving a heap of dirty, stinky laundry in the hall -- then short-circuited, exploding and destroying the entire block.
"We'd like to confirm an incident of success on a designated target," said Marine Maj. Brad Bartelt, a spokesman for U.S. Central Command in Qatar. "At the moment, though, all we can confirm is a really big smoking crater."
Iraqi dissidents familiar with Saddam say the Iraqi dictator began using the body doubles as a way to foil assassination attempts and to make it difficult for his wives to determine whether or not he was actually attending dinner parties with them. Hussein's body doubles then began using their own decoys, in order to take smoking and TV breaks on regime time without having their retirement funds docked.
At some point, Chang — who has the most common first and last names in the world — began using the Iraqi dictator's name to order late-night pizza and call world-renowned psychic Miss Cleo on her exclusive 900 number.
Unverified rumors speculate that Saddam Hussein himself was posing as Chang, who was posing as Saddam, and that the smoking crater marks the Iraqi dictator's unanticipated gravesite.
Also believed to have been killed in an airstrike on Basra is Saddam's top commander in southern Iraq, his first cousin Ali Hassan al-Majid. Al-Majid, also known as "Chemical Ali" for his trademark phrase "Move like a butterfly, sting like a cloud of nerve gas" made a name for himself in the 1970s and 1980s as a professional boxer in the Iraqi circuit.
"We believe that the reign of terror of Chemical Ali has come to an end," Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has said. "To Iraqis who were hoping for a rematch, we promise to soon send you Mike Tyson, the next time he's out on parole for a few weeks."
Meanwhile, as coalition troops reportedly uncovered caches of chemical and biological weapons that for ten years the Iraqi regime has denied having — prompting reassurances that "We've been right behind you all along," from France, Russia, China and other nations that have criticized the coalition action against Iraq — Iraqi Minister of Information Muhammad Sa'id al-Sahhaf assured Iraqi nationals that the war was going "well."
"There are no American troops inside Baghdad," al-Sahhaf said as a procession of U.S. Marines paused afternoon fighting behind him for coffee and bagels at a nearby Panera-al-Bubwa's. "Even now the infidels are committing suicide outside the gates of Baghdad, knowing that they will never see the hallowed halls of this blessed city."
By Jocko Grinn
BAGHDAD, Iraq. (Grinn News Service) — A decoy for one of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein's body doubles was believed killed in an allied bombing late Tuesday night.
Allied forces, acting on intelligence that Saddam has been the unwitting puppet of one Mohammed Chang -- reportedly the body double of one of Saddam's more cunning body doubles -- dropped powerful ordnance on a residential structure in Bagdhad where Chang was said to be playing Gnip Gnop with body doubles of Saddam's sons Uday and Qusai.
The bombs — four HSOABs, or Half-Sisters Of All Bombs, twice removed on Aunt Edith's side — struck the upscale al-Mansour section of western Baghdad. The bombs used up all the hot water and tied up the phones all afternoon up to 300 yards away, wrinkled pages of the regime's diamond-studded Entertainment Today magazines, and started moving their things into people's rooms while they were away at school, leaving a heap of dirty, stinky laundry in the hall -- then short-circuited, exploding and destroying the entire block.
"We'd like to confirm an incident of success on a designated target," said Marine Maj. Brad Bartelt, a spokesman for U.S. Central Command in Qatar. "At the moment, though, all we can confirm is a really big smoking crater."
Iraqi dissidents familiar with Saddam say the Iraqi dictator began using the body doubles as a way to foil assassination attempts and to make it difficult for his wives to determine whether or not he was actually attending dinner parties with them. Hussein's body doubles then began using their own decoys, in order to take smoking and TV breaks on regime time without having their retirement funds docked.
At some point, Chang — who has the most common first and last names in the world — began using the Iraqi dictator's name to order late-night pizza and call world-renowned psychic Miss Cleo on her exclusive 900 number.
Unverified rumors speculate that Saddam Hussein himself was posing as Chang, who was posing as Saddam, and that the smoking crater marks the Iraqi dictator's unanticipated gravesite.
Also believed to have been killed in an airstrike on Basra is Saddam's top commander in southern Iraq, his first cousin Ali Hassan al-Majid. Al-Majid, also known as "Chemical Ali" for his trademark phrase "Move like a butterfly, sting like a cloud of nerve gas" made a name for himself in the 1970s and 1980s as a professional boxer in the Iraqi circuit.
"We believe that the reign of terror of Chemical Ali has come to an end," Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has said. "To Iraqis who were hoping for a rematch, we promise to soon send you Mike Tyson, the next time he's out on parole for a few weeks."
Meanwhile, as coalition troops reportedly uncovered caches of chemical and biological weapons that for ten years the Iraqi regime has denied having — prompting reassurances that "We've been right behind you all along," from France, Russia, China and other nations that have criticized the coalition action against Iraq — Iraqi Minister of Information Muhammad Sa'id al-Sahhaf assured Iraqi nationals that the war was going "well."
"There are no American troops inside Baghdad," al-Sahhaf said as a procession of U.S. Marines paused afternoon fighting behind him for coffee and bagels at a nearby Panera-al-Bubwa's. "Even now the infidels are committing suicide outside the gates of Baghdad, knowing that they will never see the hallowed halls of this blessed city."
Monday, March 24, 2003
academy awards highlight
ACTOR KILLED DURING ACADEMY AWARDS CEREMONY
Show's host injured by CGI-driven character gone bad
By Jocko Grinn
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Grinn News Service) -- Disaster struck the Academy Awards last night when Chris Cooper, winner of the Best Supporting Actor award, was strangled as he accepted the award.
"Sweet Mother of Pearl!" host Steve Martin cried as a small manlike creature leapt up and tore the statuette from his hands, biting off one of Martin's fingers in the process.
"It's ours, ours!" the creature cried before scurrying across the stage and out the door. "Our Precious-ss!"
Security footage shows the creature is manlike with overlarge feet, large blue eyes, and a single lock of hair that hangs from its head. Security guards tried to stop the intruder as it left the building but said they were unable to, due to its prodigious strength.
Guards added that the creature's eyes glow in the dark and that it made a retching noise as it talked that sounded like "column."
"We think it's a disgruntled writer for 'Variety' magazine," said Los Angeles Police detective Brick d'Fortunato.
Anthony Serkis, who made a name for himself as Gollum in last year's "The Two Towers" was not available for comment.
In the meantime, officials continue their manhunt for the creature, which they consider likely either to fall into a volcano or to be cast in Ernest Borgnine's role in a remake of the 1970s horror film "The Devil's Rain."
"Either way, it's a bad way to go," said D'Fortunato. "Personally, I'd take the volcano."
Martin was listed as being in stable condition, although nurses at the hospital report he keeps cradling his hand and moaning, "It's gone."
Show's host injured by CGI-driven character gone bad
By Jocko Grinn
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Grinn News Service) -- Disaster struck the Academy Awards last night when Chris Cooper, winner of the Best Supporting Actor award, was strangled as he accepted the award.
"Sweet Mother of Pearl!" host Steve Martin cried as a small manlike creature leapt up and tore the statuette from his hands, biting off one of Martin's fingers in the process.
"It's ours, ours!" the creature cried before scurrying across the stage and out the door. "Our Precious-ss!"
Security footage shows the creature is manlike with overlarge feet, large blue eyes, and a single lock of hair that hangs from its head. Security guards tried to stop the intruder as it left the building but said they were unable to, due to its prodigious strength.
Guards added that the creature's eyes glow in the dark and that it made a retching noise as it talked that sounded like "column."
"We think it's a disgruntled writer for 'Variety' magazine," said Los Angeles Police detective Brick d'Fortunato.
Anthony Serkis, who made a name for himself as Gollum in last year's "The Two Towers" was not available for comment.
In the meantime, officials continue their manhunt for the creature, which they consider likely either to fall into a volcano or to be cast in Ernest Borgnine's role in a remake of the 1970s horror film "The Devil's Rain."
"Either way, it's a bad way to go," said D'Fortunato. "Personally, I'd take the volcano."
Martin was listed as being in stable condition, although nurses at the hospital report he keeps cradling his hand and moaning, "It's gone."
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Gulf War II: Day 5
FRENCH, U.S. RELATIONS IN LE TOILETTE
Chirac tells Bush: Give us back the Statue of Liberty
By Jocquo Le Grinne
(Grinn News Service) -- Tensions between France and the United States continued to deepen Saturday as U.S. officials heightened their restrictions on French terminology and France asked for the immediate return of the Statue of Liberty.
The latest actions reflect a widening rift between the two nations, begun when Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, ordered the word "french" dropped from menu items served to members of the U.S. House of Representatives March 11, because France would not back a U.S.-led war against Iraq.
At the time, French officials downplayed the significance of the change, noting that french fries come from Belgium.
But by March 19, French officials had changed their tune, and it wasn't "Frere Jacques."
"It has come to our attention that many English words are derived from the French language owing to the Norman conquest of 1044," a letter from French President "Blaque Jacques" Chirac stated. "Such use is expressly not authorized, and request is made forthwith for you to remove all French influences from American English, or we will be forced to seek legal action against you."
The letter also stressed the deep love France has for America, and expressed a desire that the two peoples continue to walk forward in harmony once America realizes its idiocy, stops being so arrogant, and removes its head from its posterior.
Chirac's letter triggered an avalanche as the American Kennel Club renamed the French poodle breed to the Liberty poodle — making it an even more annoying breed than before — and American pet stores began refusing to sell frogs.
Under the direction of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge, the FBI and CIA began investigating for suspicious activity some 10,000 Americans on Thursday who still play the French horn and prefer French bread to Italian and prefer French wine to German beer.
France retaliated by ordering its embassies to pretend not to know English when answering the phone or communicating with American officials. The reprisal ultimately was deemed ineffective as American dignitaries were unable to detect a change in policy.
Relations continued to deteriorate when House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said if it hadn't been for the United States, France would be a part of Germany. France responded by ceding its sovereignty to Germany and asking the German military to resume the occupation it ended when driven out by Allied forces near the end of World War II.
By Friday, relations between the two nations were at their lowest since a first-season "Simpsons" episode in 1990 sent Bart Simpson to France and revealed the secret role antifreeze plays in French winemaking.
Chirac's request that the United States return the Statue of Liberty, given by the French in 1884, came late Saturday, after President Bush accused the French textile industry of supplying Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein with a steady supply of berets during the past 12 years, despite an official trade embargo with Iraq.
"If they want the Statue of Liberty, I say we should make them take back the entire Louisiana Territory and all the Democrats who live there," DeLay retorted during discussion on the House floor. "And we want a refund, with interest."
Chirac agreed to take title to states in the former Louisiana territory at France's first convenience, but insisted his nation would pay no money for the land until it was restored to its pre-American state.
"It was bought from the Emperor Napoleon under duress anyway," Chirac said.
In a strongly worded resolution, the United Nations warned France and the United States to start behaving nicely or risk another strongly worded resolution.
Chirac tells Bush: Give us back the Statue of Liberty
By Jocquo Le Grinne
(Grinn News Service) -- Tensions between France and the United States continued to deepen Saturday as U.S. officials heightened their restrictions on French terminology and France asked for the immediate return of the Statue of Liberty.
The latest actions reflect a widening rift between the two nations, begun when Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, ordered the word "french" dropped from menu items served to members of the U.S. House of Representatives March 11, because France would not back a U.S.-led war against Iraq.
At the time, French officials downplayed the significance of the change, noting that french fries come from Belgium.
But by March 19, French officials had changed their tune, and it wasn't "Frere Jacques."
"It has come to our attention that many English words are derived from the French language owing to the Norman conquest of 1044," a letter from French President "Blaque Jacques" Chirac stated. "Such use is expressly not authorized, and request is made forthwith for you to remove all French influences from American English, or we will be forced to seek legal action against you."
The letter also stressed the deep love France has for America, and expressed a desire that the two peoples continue to walk forward in harmony once America realizes its idiocy, stops being so arrogant, and removes its head from its posterior.
Chirac's letter triggered an avalanche as the American Kennel Club renamed the French poodle breed to the Liberty poodle — making it an even more annoying breed than before — and American pet stores began refusing to sell frogs.
Under the direction of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge, the FBI and CIA began investigating for suspicious activity some 10,000 Americans on Thursday who still play the French horn and prefer French bread to Italian and prefer French wine to German beer.
France retaliated by ordering its embassies to pretend not to know English when answering the phone or communicating with American officials. The reprisal ultimately was deemed ineffective as American dignitaries were unable to detect a change in policy.
Relations continued to deteriorate when House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said if it hadn't been for the United States, France would be a part of Germany. France responded by ceding its sovereignty to Germany and asking the German military to resume the occupation it ended when driven out by Allied forces near the end of World War II.
By Friday, relations between the two nations were at their lowest since a first-season "Simpsons" episode in 1990 sent Bart Simpson to France and revealed the secret role antifreeze plays in French winemaking.
Chirac's request that the United States return the Statue of Liberty, given by the French in 1884, came late Saturday, after President Bush accused the French textile industry of supplying Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein with a steady supply of berets during the past 12 years, despite an official trade embargo with Iraq.
"If they want the Statue of Liberty, I say we should make them take back the entire Louisiana Territory and all the Democrats who live there," DeLay retorted during discussion on the House floor. "And we want a refund, with interest."
Chirac agreed to take title to states in the former Louisiana territory at France's first convenience, but insisted his nation would pay no money for the land until it was restored to its pre-American state.
"It was bought from the Emperor Napoleon under duress anyway," Chirac said.
In a strongly worded resolution, the United Nations warned France and the United States to start behaving nicely or risk another strongly worded resolution.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
u.s. conquers kuwait
U.S. OVERWHELMS KUWAITI DEFENSES
Official: 'We were holding the map wrong'
By Jocko and Smirkov Grinn
KUWAIT CITY (Grinn News Service) -- The U.S.-led invasion of Iraq got off to a bad start Thursday night when a coalition of British and American troops headed east instead of west.
U.S. tanks plowed through the ruins of Kuwait City after a heavy aerial bombardment had reduced the Kuwaiti capital to rubble, demolishing power plants and bridges, and severely disrupting the transportation infrastructure. The Kuwaiti populace offered little resistance, allowing American troops to sweep across their countryside with astonishing speed.
It was not until military personnel reached a border guard at Saudi Arabia that they realized their mistake.
A Saddam Hussein body double sporting a double chin confessed himself "shocked and awed" by the American military might.
"We were holding the map wrong," said U.S. Army Gen. Stephen Bloomers. "Once the Saudi guard showed us the way back to the highway and we had stopped to grab a sandwich at the local Kwik-E Mart, we turned back."
Other soldiers were quick to defend the error, which they said was one anyone could have made, even with the latest military technology.
"It's kind of hard to navigate off landmarks when all you have to work with is sand, sand, and more sand," said a corporal.
In Baghdad, the scene was one of utter chaos as thousands of Iraqi troops milled the streets in confusion looking for someone to surrender to. An enterprising Reuters reporter offered to accept surrenders at $10 a head until American TV crews could arrive to accept the surrenders properly, and reportedly was doing well enough that he was considering opening a franchise.
Iraqi missile strikes into Kuwait prompted U.S. troops stationed at Camp New Jersey, situated near the Iraq-Kuwait border, to put on gas masks and chemical protective gear before the all-clear sirens were sounded.
"I was grateful for the opportunity to make myself feel at home," said Lt. Ron Bittner, a Linden, N.J., native. "The oil refineries also lent an air of authenticity -- it was just like driving on the Turnpike. Except that the E-ZPass transponders don't open up the secured gates."
In a related issue, American citizens who had flown to Iraq and positioned themselves in front of designated targets in an attempt to prevent the United States from attacking hospitals and elementary schools with no strategic value, fled to the safety of a nearby Howard Johnsons and watched the attacks from the lobby.
"We never actually realized that we could be killed," said Shaun Pensecola, an aspiring actor from Los Angeles. "I mean, 'human body shield' sounds glamorous until you realize it means people will actually be shooting at you."
Official: 'We were holding the map wrong'
By Jocko and Smirkov Grinn
KUWAIT CITY (Grinn News Service) -- The U.S.-led invasion of Iraq got off to a bad start Thursday night when a coalition of British and American troops headed east instead of west.
U.S. tanks plowed through the ruins of Kuwait City after a heavy aerial bombardment had reduced the Kuwaiti capital to rubble, demolishing power plants and bridges, and severely disrupting the transportation infrastructure. The Kuwaiti populace offered little resistance, allowing American troops to sweep across their countryside with astonishing speed.
It was not until military personnel reached a border guard at Saudi Arabia that they realized their mistake.
A Saddam Hussein body double sporting a double chin confessed himself "shocked and awed" by the American military might.
"We were holding the map wrong," said U.S. Army Gen. Stephen Bloomers. "Once the Saudi guard showed us the way back to the highway and we had stopped to grab a sandwich at the local Kwik-E Mart, we turned back."
Other soldiers were quick to defend the error, which they said was one anyone could have made, even with the latest military technology.
"It's kind of hard to navigate off landmarks when all you have to work with is sand, sand, and more sand," said a corporal.
In Baghdad, the scene was one of utter chaos as thousands of Iraqi troops milled the streets in confusion looking for someone to surrender to. An enterprising Reuters reporter offered to accept surrenders at $10 a head until American TV crews could arrive to accept the surrenders properly, and reportedly was doing well enough that he was considering opening a franchise.
Iraqi missile strikes into Kuwait prompted U.S. troops stationed at Camp New Jersey, situated near the Iraq-Kuwait border, to put on gas masks and chemical protective gear before the all-clear sirens were sounded.
"I was grateful for the opportunity to make myself feel at home," said Lt. Ron Bittner, a Linden, N.J., native. "The oil refineries also lent an air of authenticity -- it was just like driving on the Turnpike. Except that the E-ZPass transponders don't open up the secured gates."
In a related issue, American citizens who had flown to Iraq and positioned themselves in front of designated targets in an attempt to prevent the United States from attacking hospitals and elementary schools with no strategic value, fled to the safety of a nearby Howard Johnsons and watched the attacks from the lobby.
"We never actually realized that we could be killed," said Shaun Pensecola, an aspiring actor from Los Angeles. "I mean, 'human body shield' sounds glamorous until you realize it means people will actually be shooting at you."
saddam quits
SADDAM HUSSEIN STEPS DOWN
DEPOSED LEADER: 'New horizons beckon, and I must go'
Saddam Hussien, responding to an ultimatum issued by U.S. President George W. Bush to flee Iraq in two days or suffer the fury of American military, nonchalantly stepped down on Tuesday morning.
"I've had a great run, accomplished a lot, but now it's time to move on with my life," the Iraqi leader told the few remaining Western journalists in a speech delivered from his new RV. "Everyone dreams about being a powerful despot in one of the most volatile regions of the
world, but few get an opportunity to live the dream. I am one of those fortunate few."
Saddam credits his five wives, both living and dead, for giving him the courage and compassion to go on, even when he felt misunderstood or betrayed by U.N. inspectors.
"Still, I think I made a real difference for my country," he said. "Good night, and God bless the USA!"
Saddam already has made some plans for the future, which he plans to fulfill once he gets past border guards inspecting the bunk beds in his mobile home for weapons of mass destruction.
He recently appeared in an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith show, where she wanted to do a scientific study on sand, and network executives are considering him to be a potential mate on an upcoming season of The Bachelor, where 25 women vie for one man's hand in a casual dating relationship not likely to outlast the season, let alone actual engagement or marriage.
Saddam has expressed disappointment in not making the cut for "American Idol," after being told by one of the judges that he has a powerful stage presence but his singing was a bigger bomb than a Scud-2 missile. Simon Cowell, a BMG record executive, disappeared two weeks ago while walking to his car in the parking deck behind the building where "American Idol" is taped. Too many suspects exist, however, to trace the disappearance to the Iraq regime.
"Sometimes life throws you a few kinks," said Saddam, as the eyes of his hired goons misted up around him. "But there's power to positive thinking, and you just can't afford to give up. After all, I'm just a nobody who's managed to waste a lot of time of the most powerful nation in the world!
"It reminds me of the words of that immortal song by Mike Post:
"Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself;
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
Should've been somebody else!
"Take that, Simon, you dirty rotten scoundrel."
If his current television plans don't work out, Saddam plans to open an Italian ice store or, if that fails, take up professional landscaping. His son Uday reportedly feels cheated by his father's decision to head in a solo direction when he was hoping to market a new book of
inspirational material, "Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul" and "Chicken Soup for the Petty Despot's Soul."
"Just kidding, Patty," a spokesman for Uday Hussein said. "Chicken Soup for the Soul is a copyright of Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises, and we would never dream of infringing upon it."
DEPOSED LEADER: 'New horizons beckon, and I must go'
Saddam Hussien, responding to an ultimatum issued by U.S. President George W. Bush to flee Iraq in two days or suffer the fury of American military, nonchalantly stepped down on Tuesday morning.
"I've had a great run, accomplished a lot, but now it's time to move on with my life," the Iraqi leader told the few remaining Western journalists in a speech delivered from his new RV. "Everyone dreams about being a powerful despot in one of the most volatile regions of the
world, but few get an opportunity to live the dream. I am one of those fortunate few."
Saddam credits his five wives, both living and dead, for giving him the courage and compassion to go on, even when he felt misunderstood or betrayed by U.N. inspectors.
"Still, I think I made a real difference for my country," he said. "Good night, and God bless the USA!"
Saddam already has made some plans for the future, which he plans to fulfill once he gets past border guards inspecting the bunk beds in his mobile home for weapons of mass destruction.
He recently appeared in an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith show, where she wanted to do a scientific study on sand, and network executives are considering him to be a potential mate on an upcoming season of The Bachelor, where 25 women vie for one man's hand in a casual dating relationship not likely to outlast the season, let alone actual engagement or marriage.
Saddam has expressed disappointment in not making the cut for "American Idol," after being told by one of the judges that he has a powerful stage presence but his singing was a bigger bomb than a Scud-2 missile. Simon Cowell, a BMG record executive, disappeared two weeks ago while walking to his car in the parking deck behind the building where "American Idol" is taped. Too many suspects exist, however, to trace the disappearance to the Iraq regime.
"Sometimes life throws you a few kinks," said Saddam, as the eyes of his hired goons misted up around him. "But there's power to positive thinking, and you just can't afford to give up. After all, I'm just a nobody who's managed to waste a lot of time of the most powerful nation in the world!
"It reminds me of the words of that immortal song by Mike Post:
"Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself;
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
Should've been somebody else!
"Take that, Simon, you dirty rotten scoundrel."
If his current television plans don't work out, Saddam plans to open an Italian ice store or, if that fails, take up professional landscaping. His son Uday reportedly feels cheated by his father's decision to head in a solo direction when he was hoping to market a new book of
inspirational material, "Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul" and "Chicken Soup for the Petty Despot's Soul."
"Just kidding, Patty," a spokesman for Uday Hussein said. "Chicken Soup for the Soul is a copyright of Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises, and we would never dream of infringing upon it."
Friday, July 19, 2002
inappropriate humor
As one or two people might have noticed, the Brothers Grinn mailing list recently started up again after a four-month hiatus.
The topic I decided to pick for our current series was a series of letters my partner sent to me detailing his trip to China to adopt a Chinese girl from an orphanage in Wuhan. Today we received a letter, which I will not post in its entirety, that objected to our recent installments.
"Such ethnocentricity, and lack of sensitivity to the unique cultural differences this little one will face as she grows are far more important than any humor to be derived from belittling the experience," our reader wrote. "One hopes that as this family meshes and grows together, the parents will come to understand and appreciate the culture from which she sprang. If they do not, there will be much heartache when she is of age."
The first letter
The second letter
The third letter
The fourth letter
I'm not particularly flummoxed by the criticism -- I've re-read everything in the series and don't see anything inappropriate -- but the writer is actually one of our longstanding readers and has always loved our wit.
The only specific comment was about Griselda (her real name is Alyssa) folding her napkin in origami. Origami is a Japanese craft and Alyssa is Chinese, but she nonetheless did fold the napkin in such a manner. I'm using David's letters as my starting point for the jokes.
My best guess is that the letter-writer was either in a bad mood, or has some other baggage she's bringing into the situation that has made jokes about the situation seem ethnocentric, even though the bulk of the jokes have been at Smirkov's expense. (LIke him being too dull-witted that a mob is after his head, not out to say hello and give him a welcome party.)
Ah well. In standard satirist approach, in the most recent mailing I included a link to Human Rights Watch and their report on human rights abuses in China.
The topic I decided to pick for our current series was a series of letters my partner sent to me detailing his trip to China to adopt a Chinese girl from an orphanage in Wuhan. Today we received a letter, which I will not post in its entirety, that objected to our recent installments.
"Such ethnocentricity, and lack of sensitivity to the unique cultural differences this little one will face as she grows are far more important than any humor to be derived from belittling the experience," our reader wrote. "One hopes that as this family meshes and grows together, the parents will come to understand and appreciate the culture from which she sprang. If they do not, there will be much heartache when she is of age."
The first letter
The second letter
The third letter
The fourth letter
I'm not particularly flummoxed by the criticism -- I've re-read everything in the series and don't see anything inappropriate -- but the writer is actually one of our longstanding readers and has always loved our wit.
The only specific comment was about Griselda (her real name is Alyssa) folding her napkin in origami. Origami is a Japanese craft and Alyssa is Chinese, but she nonetheless did fold the napkin in such a manner. I'm using David's letters as my starting point for the jokes.
My best guess is that the letter-writer was either in a bad mood, or has some other baggage she's bringing into the situation that has made jokes about the situation seem ethnocentric, even though the bulk of the jokes have been at Smirkov's expense. (LIke him being too dull-witted that a mob is after his head, not out to say hello and give him a welcome party.)
Ah well. In standard satirist approach, in the most recent mailing I included a link to Human Rights Watch and their report on human rights abuses in China.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
Wedding bloopers to avoid
It's been a few years since my wedding, but some of the mishaps still spring to memory today, and I find them amusing perhaps in a way I was unable to appreciate at the time. Some of them even made it into a Brothers Grinn mailing about wedding portents of ill omen:
For starters:
1. My wife tripped on her way up to the altar.
2. My parents were 40 minutes late for the wedding, and they had the rings.
3. We forgot to go outside for the rice-throwing until after our pictures were taken.
4. The DJ at the reception forgot to announce everyone who was in the wedding party with the result that my brother-in-law was skipped.
5. We failed to include all the lyrics for one of the worship songs in the bulletin.
6. We arrived late to our reception because the photos took longer than expected (even though we made a valiant effort to have them taken before the ceremony). When we arrived, our guests had eaten all the appetizers, and when we were notified that the food was ready, we completely forgot about proper protocol.
7. Without making any announcements about lunch being ready, without telling people the order they should go in, the entire wedding party went up and got lunch. Three bites into lunch, I realized we had forgotten to have Mark -- the minister of the church we attended -- say grace.
I walked over to his table and before I could say a word, he told me, "Don't sweat it. You're not the first person to forget grace on his wedding day."n
For starters:
1. My wife tripped on her way up to the altar.
2. My parents were 40 minutes late for the wedding, and they had the rings.
3. We forgot to go outside for the rice-throwing until after our pictures were taken.
4. The DJ at the reception forgot to announce everyone who was in the wedding party with the result that my brother-in-law was skipped.
5. We failed to include all the lyrics for one of the worship songs in the bulletin.
6. We arrived late to our reception because the photos took longer than expected (even though we made a valiant effort to have them taken before the ceremony). When we arrived, our guests had eaten all the appetizers, and when we were notified that the food was ready, we completely forgot about proper protocol.
7. Without making any announcements about lunch being ready, without telling people the order they should go in, the entire wedding party went up and got lunch. Three bites into lunch, I realized we had forgotten to have Mark -- the minister of the church we attended -- say grace.
I walked over to his table and before I could say a word, he told me, "Don't sweat it. You're not the first person to forget grace on his wedding day."n
Wednesday, October 31, 2001
Big dreams for the Brothers Grinn
Neither David nor I write humor for its own sake, at least not for a long time. We get tired of the jokes and witticisms, and can't help wondering if they're really that funny anyway.
What we do enjoy is communicating Truth and truths through what we write, humor that bites or makes a point. To do that, we need writing that is good, original, and thoughtful. And in order to get Truth consistently, we believe a thoughtful, Christ-centered writer is necessary. On top of that, the whole process can take three hours a mailing, depending on its length and subject matter, and it pays zilch. Zippo. Nada. See the trouble in getting people to help us?
We're pursuing a couple agencies to help us publish a collection of Chicken Soup for the Soulless that uses several of our recurring characters, some unpublished material, and a recurring motif to tell a story that stretches across more than 100 years, but that's a process that could take a while. When that's done, we want to turn our efforts toward our more serious fantasy writing and have no idea, quite frankly, how the list will change. Right now it's pure dissemination of our material; Smirkov wants to turn into more of a promotional tool, to draw attention to our other writing and products.
Beyond that, God knows what's in store. I've been toying with the idea of a Brothers Grinn Bible, and there are other useful applications of humor, to teach history, organic gardening techniques and who knows what else. Anything really big would require some money in our company to hire writers and editors to oversee the quality of the work to make sure it's consistent what we want.
David has done the bulk of the illustration as he is much better at it than I. He did commission a few pieces out of pocket for our Civil War 2000 section and for Smiley's Last Resort, both of which were done by Earl Oxford, whose name is just about all I know of the guy.
His feeling is that his strength lies more in writing than in illustration, and it's also where his passion lies. He does a pretty good job, I think, and I've done my best to encourage him with the drawing, but I can't tell him what he should do with his time.
What we do enjoy is communicating Truth and truths through what we write, humor that bites or makes a point. To do that, we need writing that is good, original, and thoughtful. And in order to get Truth consistently, we believe a thoughtful, Christ-centered writer is necessary. On top of that, the whole process can take three hours a mailing, depending on its length and subject matter, and it pays zilch. Zippo. Nada. See the trouble in getting people to help us?
We're pursuing a couple agencies to help us publish a collection of Chicken Soup for the Soulless that uses several of our recurring characters, some unpublished material, and a recurring motif to tell a story that stretches across more than 100 years, but that's a process that could take a while. When that's done, we want to turn our efforts toward our more serious fantasy writing and have no idea, quite frankly, how the list will change. Right now it's pure dissemination of our material; Smirkov wants to turn into more of a promotional tool, to draw attention to our other writing and products.
Beyond that, God knows what's in store. I've been toying with the idea of a Brothers Grinn Bible, and there are other useful applications of humor, to teach history, organic gardening techniques and who knows what else. Anything really big would require some money in our company to hire writers and editors to oversee the quality of the work to make sure it's consistent what we want.
David has done the bulk of the illustration as he is much better at it than I. He did commission a few pieces out of pocket for our Civil War 2000 section and for Smiley's Last Resort, both of which were done by Earl Oxford, whose name is just about all I know of the guy.
His feeling is that his strength lies more in writing than in illustration, and it's also where his passion lies. He does a pretty good job, I think, and I've done my best to encourage him with the drawing, but I can't tell him what he should do with his time.
Thursday, January 13, 2000
gold for glurge
I finally have found a use for stupid e-mail. With just a little effort, I recently earned a few hundred dollars on it.
I classify stupid e-mail into three distinct categories. First is the senseless petition for a nonexistent cause, like saving "Sesame Street" from Chechnyan rebels who want to sell Big Bird for $4.99 a pound on the open market to buy munitions.
Second are bogus alerts about viruses that will cause planet Earth to wobble uncontrollably if you open an e-mail titled "Help a poor dog win a free vacation!"
Third are warm, fuzzy inspirational vignettes. These are the worst, and surely originate in the very pits of hell, where Bill Gates -- numerologically identified as the Antichrist in several e-mails I have received and on many Web sites I have visited -- has assigned a mail-daemon, third class, to fill the Internet with inane messages about God, the meaning of life and e-mail tracking giveaway offers.
These pieces of inspiration typically go something like this: A boy is walking down the street, when he is crushed flat by a falling piano dropped out of the cargo hold of a Boeing 747.
It's very sad of course, and the boy can't figure out why no one else notices the bright shining "birdies" who keep flying around him and playing Don McLean's "American Pie" on their harps.
Anyway, as the boy stands there, listening to the "birdies" sing about Bob Dylan and the Scopes Monkey trial, a dog comes by and licks the face of the boy, who comes back to life and begins his divinely appointed task of telling everyone all about those beautiful "birdies."
After this heartwarming tale comes the kicker. We discover at the end of the story that the dog was actually God, who was walking backward for some reason, thus reversing the spelling of his name and effecting a disguise.
We're also asked to forward the letter to everyone we know. (If you've been deeply moved by this tale, I won't mind if you dry your tears before you read on.)
These e-mails usually are preceded by personal messages from 23 people you never heard of before, all of whom claim to be deeply touched by the inspirational message. "I hat [sic] to send frowards [sic], but this was so beautifull [sic] I just cried and had to pass it on to you!" is one common motif.
Another is, "I never liked dogs before, but after I read this e-mail, I bought a black Lab. The next day, I went to the hospital for a checkup and my tumor was gone!"
I'm sure these people have been touched by something, but I don't think it was the story.
I tried to stop getting these forwards, and sent several messages telling the senders how much I really didn't want to get them. "Mom," I wrote, "I've seen these things a million times before and they annoy me. Please stop sending them to me." It never worked, though.
So a while ago, I decided I had had enough. It was time to fight back. If I couldn't stop them, I was going to perpetuate them, but I was going to do it my way. I took these pieces of inspiration and began to rewrite them, making what I think of as "improvements."
One of the first I personally hit was a touching (there's that word again) vignette called "The Cracked Pot," a title I probably should use for this column.
In this story, a water-bearer has two pots, one of which miraculously has developed intelligence through a trip to Rhode Island in the trunk of a 1992 Buick Century with a rubber band and a can of mushroom soup. The pot feels guilty because it spills water through a huge crack in its side.
In the original, the servant uses that leak to water flowers along the path, and then the writer goes into a touching (there's that word again) homily that God uses our imperfections just like that blah blah blah blah and so everyone should be a crackpot.
In my version, among other things the servant smashes the pot for its impertinence, and then slips in the spilled water and breaks his neck. It's much more satisfying than the original.
Something clicked deep inside when I finished this rewrite. I had found a voice. In the months since then, my best friend and I have rewritten literally dozens of forwarded e-mails, including urban legends, poetry and more than a few inspirational stories.
Some people find them hilarious, but others are concerned they aren't entirely appropriate.
"Aw, you can't make fun of 'Footprints!'" a friend of mine objected. I suspect he is the inspiration for that particular story since he frequently dreams about walking along the beach with God.
"No I will not send you any more devotionals," my brother Ward wrote me when I asked for more fodder. "To be honest, I find some of your 'spoofs' quite blasphemous and anti-God." (Ward backed down from that stance once I explained my satirical intent, and now just says I have no social skills. Well, duh.)
I found the perfect vehicle for expression in "The Door," a magazine of religious-themed satire I subscribe to. A few months ago, I mailed "The Door" my renditions of three classic pieces of inspiration, including the ubiquitous "Footprints" poem.
Last week, my copy of the magazine came, vignettes on the center pages, along with a check for $300.
It's a nice feeling, especially since most of the writing already had been done for me. Now I just need to find a way to cash in on those stupid petitions and virus alerts.
Second are bogus alerts about viruses that will cause planet Earth to wobble uncontrollably if you open an e-mail titled "Help a poor dog win a free vacation!"
Third are warm, fuzzy inspirational vignettes. These are the worst, and surely originate in the very pits of hell, where Bill Gates -- numerologically identified as the Antichrist in several e-mails I have received and on many Web sites I have visited -- has assigned a mail-daemon, third class, to fill the Internet with inane messages about God, the meaning of life and e-mail tracking giveaway offers.
These pieces of inspiration typically go something like this: A boy is walking down the street, when he is crushed flat by a falling piano dropped out of the cargo hold of a Boeing 747.
It's very sad of course, and the boy can't figure out why no one else notices the bright shining "birdies" who keep flying around him and playing Don McLean's "American Pie" on their harps.
Anyway, as the boy stands there, listening to the "birdies" sing about Bob Dylan and the Scopes Monkey trial, a dog comes by and licks the face of the boy, who comes back to life and begins his divinely appointed task of telling everyone all about those beautiful "birdies."
After this heartwarming tale comes the kicker. We discover at the end of the story that the dog was actually God, who was walking backward for some reason, thus reversing the spelling of his name and effecting a disguise.
We're also asked to forward the letter to everyone we know. (If you've been deeply moved by this tale, I won't mind if you dry your tears before you read on.)
These e-mails usually are preceded by personal messages from 23 people you never heard of before, all of whom claim to be deeply touched by the inspirational message. "I hat [sic] to send frowards [sic], but this was so beautifull [sic] I just cried and had to pass it on to you!" is one common motif.
Another is, "I never liked dogs before, but after I read this e-mail, I bought a black Lab. The next day, I went to the hospital for a checkup and my tumor was gone!"
I'm sure these people have been touched by something, but I don't think it was the story.
I tried to stop getting these forwards, and sent several messages telling the senders how much I really didn't want to get them. "Mom," I wrote, "I've seen these things a million times before and they annoy me. Please stop sending them to me." It never worked, though.
So a while ago, I decided I had had enough. It was time to fight back. If I couldn't stop them, I was going to perpetuate them, but I was going to do it my way. I took these pieces of inspiration and began to rewrite them, making what I think of as "improvements."
One of the first I personally hit was a touching (there's that word again) vignette called "The Cracked Pot," a title I probably should use for this column.
In this story, a water-bearer has two pots, one of which miraculously has developed intelligence through a trip to Rhode Island in the trunk of a 1992 Buick Century with a rubber band and a can of mushroom soup. The pot feels guilty because it spills water through a huge crack in its side.
In the original, the servant uses that leak to water flowers along the path, and then the writer goes into a touching (there's that word again) homily that God uses our imperfections just like that blah blah blah blah and so everyone should be a crackpot.
In my version, among other things the servant smashes the pot for its impertinence, and then slips in the spilled water and breaks his neck. It's much more satisfying than the original.
Something clicked deep inside when I finished this rewrite. I had found a voice. In the months since then, my best friend and I have rewritten literally dozens of forwarded e-mails, including urban legends, poetry and more than a few inspirational stories.
Some people find them hilarious, but others are concerned they aren't entirely appropriate.
"Aw, you can't make fun of 'Footprints!'" a friend of mine objected. I suspect he is the inspiration for that particular story since he frequently dreams about walking along the beach with God.
"No I will not send you any more devotionals," my brother Ward wrote me when I asked for more fodder. "To be honest, I find some of your 'spoofs' quite blasphemous and anti-God." (Ward backed down from that stance once I explained my satirical intent, and now just says I have no social skills. Well, duh.)
I found the perfect vehicle for expression in "The Door," a magazine of religious-themed satire I subscribe to. A few months ago, I mailed "The Door" my renditions of three classic pieces of inspiration, including the ubiquitous "Footprints" poem.
Last week, my copy of the magazine came, vignettes on the center pages, along with a check for $300.
It's a nice feeling, especially since most of the writing already had been done for me. Now I just need to find a way to cash in on those stupid petitions and virus alerts.
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