presidential requirements

There's been some mindless banter recently about amending the Constitution to allow naturalized citizens to run for the U.S. presidency. I doubt anything will come of that, so let me add this suggestion to the fire, since nothing will come of it either:

In addition to the current requirements -- born in the United States or to American parents overseas, at least 35 years old at the time the term would begin, current citizen who has lived at least 14 years in the country -- let's add one more requirement. Anyone who would be president of the United States also must have lived in another country for at least two years. Maybe we also should require fluency in English and a second language.

Think of what that would do for the country. We'd be led by someone who actually understands how other nations view the United States, who could see the ramifications of U.S. policy on those other places, and who probably would have a lengthy personal history with citizens of that other country.

And if the president can speak a second language fluently, so much the better for understanding the rest of the world.

Let it be so ordered upon my ascendance to the rank of world ruler.

Or maybe we should amend the U.S. Constitution to require that the president drink beer.

Shopping carts for multiples

When I take over the world, shopping carts will be available at all retail outlets, for parents with multiple children. Already, although I lack world power, this initiative is having some measure of effect. Read the letter I sent to Home Depot a while ago:

I am writing to express my extreme dissatisfaction with an area of customer service that your company apparently has overlooked: child safety and shopping carts.

I was at the Milltown, Iowa, Home Depot earlier today, hoping to pick up a few things. Because I had two toddlers with me, I did what I always do first: I looked for a shopping cart with seats for two children.

Imagine my disappointment not to find one. I talked with a couple employees who told me the store doesn't have any, even though the matter has been brought to the attention of the store manager before.

Let me put it bluntly: A regular shopping cart is *not* safe for two children. A moment's inattention on a shopper's part -- such as to look at a prospective purchase -- will give a child enough time to stand up, fall out of the cart, and hit the concrete floor with his head, causing serious injury and even death.

Even if a child does not climb out, putting him in the main part of the cart -- the basket -- limits a customer's ability to shop. Would you put drain cleaner in the cart with a child? How about fertilizer? Sharp tools? 

Shopping carts with seats for two children are common at other stores. I use them at the supermarket all the time and at some of your competitors. Having access to one at Home Depot would keep my children safe there and it would limit your liability in the event of an incident like the ones I described up above.

I urge you to take measures to rectify this situation before something does happen.

And then I got this (presumably form) response, the next business day. I was impressed by the speed of the response, but I have to admit I haven't been back to the Home Depot since to see if there have been more substantial changes. (I filed the same complaint with Walmart the same day, but since I don't like to go there either, I don't know what they've done. Not surprisingly, they never responded.)

Hello David Learn,
Thank you for your e-mail to Home depot Customer Care! [Note they don't know how to capitalize the spelling of their own store name. --Dave]
We first want to apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you. A formal complaint was made against the Milltown Home Depot. This information will be addressed to the proper Management and will also be filed here in our Corporate office. Thank you for your time in letting us be aware of your experience.
If we can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact us again.

Think we can get a movement going? Put yourself in the position of a single parent trying to get shopping done with two toddlers in tow. It's virtually impossible to push two carts in order to give both kids the coveted seat, or to push a stroller and cart at the same time.

At Wal-Mart, the store manager offered to have an employee watch my children while I shopped. (As with Home Depot, I was out with both Isaac and Evangeline by myself.) But think about it: In this day and age, how many parents are going to feel comfortable leaving their children with a complete stranger while they shop? I sure wouldn't.

Anyway, lettuce agree that it is fun to cart around our children like a tiny sack of potatoes when we're grocery shopping. Orange you glad that it's not really a problem? Natasha egg-spects me to help with shopping, and while it would would drive some people absolutely bananas, I'm very cereal when I say spending time with my kids -- even at the supermarket -- can really Cheerio me up. I get a real Kix out of it.

civil servants

When I rule the world, I'm going to require that public servants actually try to be helpful and courteous when they deal with the public. In fact, I'll give them extra points for being brave, clean and reverent.

When a person who has lost his job tries to claim unemployment benefits, he will be treated at a minimum like he is a number, rather than the standard "nuisance" treatment now afforded. People who are down on their luck will not be treated like they are taking advantage of the system and frowned upon, and even those who are trying to take advantage of the system will still be treated with a modicum of respect: a pleasant smile, a firm handshake, an informal and friendly tone rather than a harsh or judgmental one.

Public employees who cannot perform at these basic levels of civility -- the New Jersey DMV, toll booth workers, and N.J. Family Care representatives, to name a few of the more lost causes -- will be deported to Toledo, Ohio, or Bedford, Pa., where they should fit right in or at least be out of the way.

language reform

In order to facilitate communication and cross-cultural understanding, as soon as I take over the world, English will become the official language of the world. Schools everywhere will be required to teach English as a subject at all grade levels, and all official government business will be done in English.

True, there are easier languages to learn, but it's no fun to be world ruler if you don't get to be petty every now and then.

In addition to the English-language requirements, students also will be taught Spanish and Arabic for four years each, while maintaining proficiency in their native tongue and learning one other living language in use in a neighboring country. (Languages like esperanto, Quenya, Latin and Klingonaase will not count for the fifth language, though people are of course welcome to learn them.)

Additionally, languages with a non-Roman orthography will be allowed to keep that alphabet because of its cultural significance, but they must also adopt a standardized Roman alphabet in order to boost literacy and make the migration of words and concepts across linguistic barriers easier. (If there is a sound in the language in question, like the Spanish eñe that cannot be duplicated with the American Roman orthography, speakers of that unofficial language will be allowed to add the appropriate letter from their own alphabet to their language's new Roman orthography.)

Local languages will not be suppressed. Owing to their importance to maintaining local cultural identity, these languages may continue in printed and spoken form for as long as there are people who want to use them.

The goal of these reforms is the eventual emergence of a new global English not tied primarily into any specific nation. And then, once we all speak the same language, we can begin the second stage of my plan, with the construction of a mighty tower on the plains of Shinar so that we can make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the earth.

Of course, the sticking point in my plane is becoming established as absolute ruler of the earth, since I personally find military conquest an odious route to building a power base, I don't go for Machiavellan manipulation to obtain my ends, and I don't see hordes of followers lining up to recognize my sovereignty.

Alas for the best-laid plans of mice and men...

exiling new jersey

The reason I want to exile New Jersey to Siberia is to make way for the imperial palace and imperial grounds. Since my lovely and talented wife is an ecologist, she'll be allowed to oversee a restoration project of unprecedented size as New Jersey is restored to pristine wilderness through phytoremediation and careful, deliberate cultivation of new forests where once shopping malls, factories and roadways gathered beneath the moon. So no, we wouldn't be exiled to Siberia, especially as we're not really from New Jersey anyway. We just live there at the moment.

off to siberia

When I rule the world, I shall begin exiling undesirable populations to Siberia, there to pass out the remainder of their natural lives without offending me with their presence further. I was giving this some thought, and here are some of the people I would exile:

• Everyone responsible for the XFL or its predecessor, the USFL
• Bill Gates
• Michael Eisner
• People who like Cheez Whiz
• People who think plastic flamingos make nice lawn ornaments
• N'Sync
• Britney Spears
• The contemporary Christian recording industry (a few individual artists, like Mike Card, will be granted immunity owing to their talent, integrity and legitimacy, but I expect most artists and recording executives will be enjoying the snow for a long time)
• Advertising writers who create commercials that don't say a thing about what they're trying to sell you
• New Jersey

Journalists will be among the best-respected professionals during my regime. Lazy journalists and those who don't bother actually to research something before they write, or who aren't willing to consider multiple sides to the same issue, will not be exiled to Siberia. They will get to be the vanguard of the new space program and will help to launch the colonization of space.

global domination agenda: names

In order to prevent unnecessary overuse of given names, as one of my first acts as World Ruler, I will order a global database of names created. This database -- I think I'll keep it Belgium -- will keep an exhaustive directory of all the first names in use, and will check all new entries against that list.

That way, if a parent picks a name that already is in use, the computer will spot the overuse and suggest an alternative, viz., "We're sorry, but that name is already in use. Can we suggest Dave3124?"

After all, what's the point in ruling the world if you can't be petty every now and then?

I think I also will institute a fine on parents who give their child a perfectly acceptable name only to always call the child by a derivative of that name, and then complain when the child refuses to go by the proper name. Such is the situation with my wife, whose birth name was "Anastasha" She has never been called "Anastasha" in her life -- not by anyone left alive, anyway -- and when we married, she had her married name set as "Natasha," since that's what she's always been called.

Upon reflection, I think I'll also have to mandate penalties on parents who don't consider the ramifications of initials when they name their children. Quick example: A friend of mine has a foster son named Christian Antonio Jones. Take his first two initials and his last name, and he could start signing things C.A. Jones. Very bad in areas with large Hispanic populations.

Addendum: There will be a $1,000 cash stipend awarded to people who name their children after adverbs, in honor of our trusted minister, Respectfully Brian P. If there is a new global currency, the payout will be one thousand of those units.

when i rule the world

When I rule the world, everyone with a yard will be required to grow a garden therein. There will be some freedom on what people grow -- flowers and shrubberies (nice ones, but not too expensive) will be permitted, as long as vegetables are consistently raised and harvested -- but the garden itself will be mandatory.

Apartment-, condo- and townhouse-dwellers will be permitted to settle for window planters, but I expect the landlord or owners association to maintain regular gardens for everyone to enjoy. Perhaps sharecropping arrangements could be worked out. Actually, they will be, on penalty of having to watch Ralph Bakshi's 1978 "Lord of the Rings" movie until the situation is remedied.

Businesses with spacious, sprawling lawns will have to lease part of their land to local farmers and agricultural co-ops, and will have to have their landscaping done by someone who knows how to do it in a way that helps to recreate the natural ecology that was present before the developers came in and built everything.

Moreover, all gardens and farms will have to be kept in strict adherence to the principles of organic gardening. No pesticides or chemical fertilizers. Everything will be done through natural means, to rekindle humanity's ties to the earth, to keep the soil healthy and vibrant, to reduce the incidence of chemical pollution in the waterways and food chain, and to give farmer's co-ops lots of business.

The air will be fresher, the produce better-tasting, and all this fine real estate will not be wasted on foolish grass. A much larger portion of it will be put into fighting hunger and helping people stretch their paychecks further, since their grocery bills will drop.

All this shall be done when I rule the world.

Addendum: I suppose when I rule the world I might allow farmers to cultivate cannabis, but it would have to be the nonmarijuana variety, since marijuana addles people's wits and makes them look and act like morons and has few merits.

Regular cannabis -- the kind that gives people severe headaches when they smoke it -- has many useful qualities. It is good for the soil, provides a cheaper and sturdier paper than wood fiber, can provide a healthy cooking oil when its seeds are pressed, and can even be made into clothing. And if you don't want to use it for any of those things, you can always compost it and help it aid the soil that way.

Unfortunately, both strains of cannabis belong to the same species. The difference lies in the cultivation, but both strains are outlawed under existing federal law. (Similar problems exist with the opium poppy, which actually produces a rather beautiful flower, but not worth risking having the authorities seize your property.) Leave it to the potheads to ruin a perfectly good plant.