Gulf War II: Day 5

FRENCH, U.S. RELATIONS IN LE TOILETTE
Chirac tells Bush: Give us back the Statue of Liberty
By Jocquo Le Grinne

(Grinn News Service) -- Tensions between France and the United States continued to deepen Saturday as U.S. officials heightened their restrictions on French terminology and France asked for the immediate return of the Statue of Liberty.

The latest actions reflect a widening rift between the two nations, begun when Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, ordered the word "french" dropped from menu items served to members of the U.S. House of Representatives March 11, because France would not back a U.S.-led war against Iraq.

At the time, French officials downplayed the significance of the change, noting that french fries come from Belgium.

But by March 19, French officials had changed their tune, and it wasn't "Frere Jacques."

"It has come to our attention that many English words are derived from the French language owing to the Norman conquest of 1044," a letter from French President "Blaque Jacques" Chirac stated. "Such use is expressly not authorized, and request is made forthwith for you to remove all French influences from American English, or we will be forced to seek legal action against you."

The letter also stressed the deep love France has for America, and expressed a desire that the two peoples continue to walk forward in harmony once America realizes its idiocy, stops being so arrogant, and removes its head from its posterior.

Chirac's letter triggered an avalanche as the American Kennel Club renamed the French poodle breed to the Liberty poodle — making it an even more annoying breed than before — and American pet stores began refusing to sell frogs.

Under the direction of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge, the FBI and CIA began investigating for suspicious activity some 10,000 Americans on Thursday who still play the French horn and prefer French bread to Italian and prefer French wine to German beer.

France retaliated by ordering its embassies to pretend not to know English when answering the phone or communicating with American officials. The reprisal ultimately was deemed ineffective as American dignitaries were unable to detect a change in policy.

Relations continued to deteriorate when House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said if it hadn't been for the United States, France would be a part of Germany. France responded by ceding its sovereignty to Germany and asking the German military to resume the occupation it ended when driven out by Allied forces near the end of World War II.

By Friday, relations between the two nations were at their lowest since a first-season "Simpsons" episode in 1990 sent Bart Simpson to France and revealed the secret role antifreeze plays in French winemaking.

Chirac's request that the United States return the Statue of Liberty, given by the French in 1884, came late Saturday, after President Bush accused the French textile industry of supplying Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein with a steady supply of berets during the past 12 years, despite an official trade embargo with Iraq.

"If they want the Statue of Liberty, I say we should make them take back the entire Louisiana Territory and all the Democrats who live there," DeLay retorted during discussion on the House floor. "And we want a refund, with interest."

Chirac agreed to take title to states in the former Louisiana territory at France's first convenience, but insisted his nation would pay no money for the land until it was restored to its pre-American state.

"It was bought from the Emperor Napoleon under duress anyway," Chirac said.

In a strongly worded resolution, the United Nations warned France and the United States to start behaving nicely or risk another strongly worded resolution.

u.s. conquers kuwait

U.S. OVERWHELMS KUWAITI DEFENSES
Official: 'We were holding the map wrong'
By Jocko and Smirkov Grinn

KUWAIT CITY (Grinn News Service) -- The U.S.-led invasion of Iraq got off to a bad start Thursday night when a coalition of British and American troops headed east instead of west.

U.S. tanks plowed through the ruins of Kuwait City after a heavy aerial bombardment had reduced the Kuwaiti capital to rubble, demolishing power plants and bridges, and severely disrupting the transportation infrastructure. The Kuwaiti populace offered little resistance, allowing American troops to sweep across their countryside with astonishing speed.

It was not until military personnel reached a border guard at Saudi Arabia that they realized their mistake.

A Saddam Hussein body double sporting a double chin confessed himself "shocked and awed" by the American military might.

"We were holding the map wrong," said U.S. Army Gen. Stephen Bloomers. "Once the Saudi guard showed us the way back to the highway and we had stopped to grab a sandwich at the local Kwik-E Mart, we turned back."

Other soldiers were quick to defend the error, which they said was one anyone could have made, even with the latest military technology.

"It's kind of hard to navigate off landmarks when all you have to work with is sand, sand, and more sand," said a corporal.

In Baghdad, the scene was one of utter chaos as thousands of Iraqi troops milled the streets in confusion looking for someone to surrender to. An enterprising Reuters reporter offered to accept surrenders at $10 a head until American TV crews could arrive to accept the surrenders properly, and reportedly was doing well enough that he was considering opening a franchise.

Iraqi missile strikes into Kuwait prompted U.S. troops stationed at Camp New Jersey, situated near the Iraq-Kuwait border, to put on gas masks and chemical protective gear before the all-clear sirens were sounded.

"I was grateful for the opportunity to make myself feel at home," said Lt. Ron Bittner, a Linden, N.J., native. "The oil refineries also lent an air of authenticity -- it was just like driving on the Turnpike. Except that the E-ZPass transponders don't open up the secured gates."

In a related issue, American citizens who had flown to Iraq and positioned themselves in front of designated targets in an attempt to prevent the United States from attacking hospitals and elementary schools with no strategic value, fled to the safety of a nearby Howard Johnsons and watched the attacks from the lobby.

"We never actually realized that we could be killed," said Shaun Pensecola, an aspiring actor from Los Angeles. "I mean, 'human body shield' sounds glamorous until you realize it means people will actually be shooting at you."

saddam quits

SADDAM HUSSEIN STEPS DOWN
DEPOSED LEADER: 'New horizons beckon, and I must go'

Saddam Hussien, responding to an ultimatum issued by U.S. President George W. Bush to flee Iraq in two days or suffer the fury of American military, nonchalantly stepped down on Tuesday morning.

"I've had a great run, accomplished a lot, but now it's time to move on with my life," the Iraqi leader told the few remaining Western journalists in a speech delivered from his new RV. "Everyone dreams about being a powerful despot in one of the most volatile regions of the
world, but few get an opportunity to live the dream. I am one of those fortunate few."

Saddam credits his five wives, both living and dead, for giving him the courage and compassion to go on, even when he felt misunderstood or betrayed by U.N. inspectors.

"Still, I think I made a real difference for my country," he said. "Good night, and God bless the USA!"

Saddam already has made some plans for the future, which he plans to fulfill once he gets past border guards inspecting the bunk beds in his mobile home for weapons of mass destruction.

He recently appeared in an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith show, where she wanted to do a scientific study on sand, and network executives are considering him to be a potential mate on an upcoming season of The Bachelor, where 25 women vie for one man's hand in a casual dating relationship not likely to outlast the season, let alone actual engagement or marriage.

Saddam has expressed disappointment in not making the cut for "American Idol," after being told by one of the judges that he has a powerful stage presence but his singing was a bigger bomb than a Scud-2 missile. Simon Cowell, a BMG record executive, disappeared two weeks ago while walking to his car in the parking deck behind the building where "American Idol" is taped. Too many suspects exist, however, to trace the disappearance to the Iraq regime.

"Sometimes life throws you a few kinks," said Saddam, as the eyes of his hired goons misted up around him. "But there's power to positive thinking, and you just can't afford to give up. After all, I'm just a nobody who's managed to waste a lot of time of the most powerful nation in the world!

"It reminds me of the words of that immortal song by Mike Post:

"Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself;
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
Should've been somebody else!

"Take that, Simon, you dirty rotten scoundrel."

If his current television plans don't work out, Saddam plans to open an Italian ice store or, if that fails, take up professional landscaping. His son Uday reportedly feels cheated by his father's decision to head in a solo direction when he was hoping to market a new book of
inspirational material, "Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul" and "Chicken Soup for the Petty Despot's Soul."

"Just kidding, Patty," a spokesman for Uday Hussein said. "Chicken Soup for the Soul is a copyright of Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises, and we would never dream of infringing upon it."

prayer on the eve of war

I'm still praying that Saddam or enough other people in Iraq will see the light in time to prevent a war.

I'm also praying that:

1) God will break the necks of the terrorist organizations plotting attacks on the United States, Britain and our allies. I've been praying this for some time now -- and yes, in pretty much that language -- and was glad when God answered our prayers with the capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. I read one analysis today that al Qaeda now has more to fear from us than we do from it.

2) For religious freedom in Iraq and its neighbors, and for a revival of the church there. I hear many evangelicals whine about minor problems with sharing the faith here -- and about piddly stuff like schools no longer being allowed to require the phrase "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance -- but believers in much of the Middle East believe at the risk of their lives.

3) That the damage to our standing in the international community will be minimal, and that Bush's determination to push for war against Iraq will not fuel a new frenzy of anti-Western, anti-America or anti-Christian hatred in that region of the world.

Let's pray for peace, even as we recognize that sometimes peace is only found on the other side of war.

no to war

After reading about 5 gazillion comments, editorials and columns on the subject, I'd have to say that I'm coming down on the side of the doves on this one. How strongly do I feel? Not very. I'll probably change my mind again once I hear a really good argument for war, at least for a few minutes, but I will support the president if he decides to go to war.

My reasoning:

• Does Saddam have to go? No question. The man has gassed his own people, he has enriched himself while starving the masses, he is every bit as ruthless as Stalin was, and if he's allowed the chance, he'll probably invade Kuwait or another neighbor again. If memory serves, his official map of Iraq includes Kuwait as part of its territory.
  
• Does Bush have a reasonable legal argument that the U.N. is within its rights to remove Saddam Hussein? Yes. Resolution 1441, as has been pointed out many times, gave Saddam another "one last chance" to disarm or face the consequences. The U.N., however, appears to be unwilling to follow through on that ultimatum; I'm not quite clear on how it becomes our prerogative to act on behalf of the U.N. when the U.N. won't authorize us to. It makes the U.N. into a joke when it won't enforce its own resolutions, but isn't that a matter for the U.N. member nations to address within that body?

• Would we win? Again, that seems to be without question, but an almost-guaranteed victory should not be the overriding factor in whether we invade.
  
• Do we have the moral right to invade? This is the critical question for me, and it's here I think we fail the test. Saddam Hussein lacks the moral right to rule Iraq, but at this point I don't believe there is any strong moral argument to remove him. Connections to al Qaeda and Sept. 11 have been tenuous at best, from what I can remember, and at this point he neither has attacked or nor threatened us nor any of our allies. In the original Gulf War, he attacked Kuwait and was threatening Saudi Arabia. That was the time to get rid of him, and the elder Bush and our allies failed to do it. Twelve years later is a little late.

If we're predicating our moral authority to invade on the way Saddam Hussein treats his people, then there's a long list of other countries we have to invade: China, the Sudan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea and Cuba among them.

I also don't believe we're within our rights to invade simply because of Saddam Hussein's record or his current weapons of mass destruction. They are both cause for concern, but at the moment -- again -- there are no indications he is actively plotting or working toward the destruction of another country, is there? Maybe I've blocked out that part of the news, but until there is an actual threat, rather than just the potential for one, I'm not sure what grounds we have for invasion.

On a side note that does not have any bearing on whether we should go to war or not, is anyone else a little unsettled by Bush's strident unilateral approach to foreign policy? First the Kyoto Protocol, now he's telling longtime allies that they're going to hurt their relationship with us if they don't back us on the war effort. Silly me, I thought sometimes friends were supposed to tell us things we don't want to hear. You might agree, you might not, but you shouldn't let that get in the way of your friendship.

tired of iraq

You know how some people just LOVE politics, and can't get enough of it? You know how some journalists get a thrill out of being in the thick of things where all the big political fish are swimming and eating people alive? I'm not one of them.

I have a mild interest in politics -- the big fish, for all their self-important buffoonery, *do* have some effect on the real world -- but it's not enough to sustain my interest in a conversation that covers every forum on the Internet, idle chatter at the office and at home, every front page and op-ed page in the newspaper industry, and even the music on the radio.

I am concerned about the impending war in Iraq, and do pray that it will be averted, and that God's people will rise up in faith across the Middle East, but there are other things that occupy my attention too, besides the war.