someone else gets it

I am not the only person to hate Elmo. Joel Stein, whose column appears on Jewish World Review, also gets it:

Whereas Count Von Count markets math and Oscar markets the acceptability of negative emotions, Elmo, brilliantly, just markets Elmo, leading him to be the show's cash cow, or whatever misshapen animal he's supposed to be.

Stein argues, as I have, that Elmo represents the dumbing-down of Sesame Street, which used to teach actual, useful skills and to present knowledge in a format that children could appreciate. Now it's a show for preschool that barely makes a pretense of teaching them anything, except that they need to buy more Elmo toys.

When I spoke to a Sesame Workshop employee two years ago concerning Elmo, she couldn't fathom why anyone would hate him. News flash: Many adults with small children do. Maybe if more people take the tie to express their loathing for the little freak, they'll wake up and smell the show crashing and burning before it's too late.

Elmo must die

Some time ago at the Philadelphia Zoo, when I was speculating aloud whether it would be better to see Elmo trampled by stampeding elephants or gored by wild bulls, a friend of mine commented that I put a lot of effort into hating the little freak.

After I got over my shock — I hadn't even mentioned the possibilities of having Elmo's eyes pecked out by birds, or watching a Burmese python hug all his ticklish parts until he bursts — I had to admit that my friend was right. I do hate Elmo a lot. My fantasy TV special would be to have Barney the Purple Dinosaur choke to death while he’s chewing up Elmo, just as he falls over onto the Teletubbies, whom Thomas the Tank Engine is taking someplace.

Elmo is a scourge from God, sent to punish us for inventing batteries. On Judgment Day, I fully expect God to throw the vilest of sinners — by which I mean politicians, used car salesmen and journalists — not into a lake of fire, but into a roiling cesspool of Elmo sing-alongs that go on and on day and night without stop.

Really wicked people — and by that I mean the lady who stiffed me for a tip when I was a pizza guy — will find themselves in a room full of musical Elmo toys that all play the same songs at slightly different pitches and speeds.

I've had the chance twice now to share my feelings about the Red Furry Monster Who Must Not Be Named with employees of Sesame Workshop. The first was perplexed that anyone would declare an Elmo-free zone around their house and insist that Sesame Street videos could be shown in the house only if Elmo were limited to a supporting role.

The second was more amused, and suggested that I try something therapeutic, like writing down my feelings on Elmo for their marketing people, who have come up with innovations like Tickle Me Elmo, Chicken Dance Elmo, and Beeping Clicking and Whirring Drive Your Father Out Of His Ever-Loving Mind Elmo.

I've given it some though since then, and I've come to accept that Elmo is the cash cow that gives the golden milk. As long as Elmo is marketed to the exclusion of the other Muppets, he's going to bring in the most money and no one is going ask him to step down from the throne of gold.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Here follow my suggested Elmo toys that can be marketed to adults, increasing the amount of revenue he generates for Sesame Workshop and its educational videos and products.

Beat Me with a Stick Elmo. This Elmo doll stands 18 inches high, runs on a 4.5-Volt battery and comes complete with a 12-inch wooden stick the owner can use to strike Elmo whenever he annoys them. Whenever he's hit, Elmo screams in that adorable little voice of his, phrases like "Ouch!" "Stop that!" or "Elmo doesn't like this game." Suggested retail price: $14.99.

Push Me Down an Elevator Shaft Elmo. Covered in soft red felt, this motion-activated Elmo lets out a piteous yet heart-warming scream as he plunges 80 feet into stygian darkness where he meets his doom. Elevator shaft with sharp metal spikes at the bottom, not included.

Urban Legends Elmo. A must-buy for anyone who has ever believed "reliable stories" passed on by their friends. Remove Elmo's kidneys before stuffing him in a bathtub filled with ice! Replace Elmo's hand with a hook, and send him out to terrorize teenagers at the local Lovers Lane! Squeeze his hand and hear him spread salacious rumors about Bert and Ernie! Legal disclaimer: Not responsible for lawsuits resulting from repeating those rumors.

Sopranos Elmo. Marketed especially to New Jersey consumers, who love the violence and family intrigue of HBO's award-winning mob drama, this Elmo offers to whack Kermit the Frog, says "badda-bing, badda-boom" when you squeeze him, and tells people to "Fuggedaboutit." Cigar is included only for decorative purposes and cannot be smoked.

Operation! Elmo. Produced in partnership with Milton Bradley, this Elmo is educational. Children and adults can learn all about surgery and anatomy by cutting Elmo open and removing his internal organs. Added feature: Elmo's realistic screams remind children about the importance of anesthesia.

Having shared all this, I'm amazed to discover the wisdom of the Sesame Workshop employee who suggested I write this all down. I do feel a lot better about Elmo now, and while I'm not likely to relax the Elmo Free Zone my wife and I established, I'm also not going to ask for Marie Antoinette Elmo, Hari Kari Elmo or Black Death Elmo.

Just don't get me started on Disney Princesses.

Copyright © 2004 by David Learn. Used with permission.


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Elmo, schmelmo

For the sake of all that is good and holy, we need to stop Elmo,

It's not Elmo as much as it is the massive marketing push behind him. I can handle Elmo as a Muppet on Sesame Street when he is one of many Muppets. He's nice on "Bert and Ernie's Word Play" and he's fine on the 25th anniversary video, and probably in some of the other videos too.

But by the time we've had "Cinderelmo," "Elmocize, "Elmo Presents Kid's Favorite Songs" (volumes one and two) and GOK how many other Elmo tapes, plus the never-ending barrage of Elmo toys, I've had enough of the little red monster to wish that Barney would choke to death while eating him.

There are many other Muppets on Sesame Street besides Elmo, but if you ever go to Sesame Street Live or Sesame Place, you wouldn't know it by the souvenirs.

I think I would get annoyed by even Cookie Monster if he were pushed that heavily.

the electric company redux

Here's the deal: I spoke to the executive vice president of content. She was impressed that I remembered so much about "The Electric Company," and seemed surprised when I said that pretty much every thirtysomething I've mentioned it too wants to know why it's not out on DVD yet.

Being that Sesame Workshop has now turned 35, they're looking at "The Electric Company" with an eye toward redoing it. Her belief is that the developmental approach is dead on, and the concepts are key, but the implementation will need to be changed for the current crop of viewers. I suppose there's probably some truth to that, although I'm sure there are a number of 6- to 8-year-olds who would love the original series. I know Eowyn would. She loves "Rocky and Bullwinkle," for example, a children's show that was in repeats when I was her age.

To pave the way for "The Electric Company" redux, they're probably going to start selling related merchandise (of course) like T-shirts and what have you. They recognize of course that nostalgia is their biggest ally, so there is some consideration being given to a re-release of the original series.

Gruenberg told me they have to do market research. Phooey, I say. Do the research for them. Give them a call at (212) 595-3456, and say you want the original Electric Company on DVD. Be pushy enough that that they can't just blow you off with the pat "We're thinking about it" answer.

On an interesting note, she asked me if I feel as passionately about "Sesame Street" as I do about "The Electric Company," and wouldn't you know, it somehow slipped out that I can't stand Elmo. She was surprised by that -- even as she was impressed that I knew why Snuffaluffagus had gone from being Big Bird's imaginary friend to being a real person (sex abuse in the 1980s, they were concerned kids would think parents won't believe them about serious issues). Her impression was that most people love Elmo. What I tried to share was that while many children love Elmo, he's been marketed to death, so I'm leery of him because he wasn't around when I was a kid, and I'm leery of him because I don't want to be stuck with Chicken Dance Elmo or some other annoying Elmo present each year.

(I didn't mention my own two proposed Elmo toys -- Syphillis Elmo, whose fur turns yellow, and Beat Me With a Stick Elmo -- if for no other reason than the conversation had gone well to that point.)

Anyway, call Sesame Workshop. Their number again is (212) 595-3456. Give them a call and tell them you want to get "The Electric Company" on DVD next Christmas. And tell them you think another great Christmas present would be Push Me Down the Elevator Shaft Elmo.

urban legends about elmo

It's been an urban legend for years that Bert and Ernie are gay, and that Ernie was going to die of AIDS complications to teach children tolerance for other lifestyles.

It is an urban legend, wholly untrue. Everyone knows that Oscar and Elmo are the gay couple.

Elmo from hell

Just in time for Christmas in hell, it's Chicken Dance Elmo!

Actually, it's been out for a while. I had the misfortune of seeing it at my niece's birthday party back in September.

Pretty sick, isn't it?

'Elmo's Song,' new and improved

Two weeks ago I taught Isaac some important song lyrics:

La la la la la la la
Elmo stinks.
La la la la la la la
Elmo stinks. (etc.)

We hate his music,
we hate his words.
We hate Elmo.

He sings it very well. I hope he takes it home with him Tuesday.

money-making idea

I think I'm going to copyright the letter E and charge people for the right to use it.

Plus, I'll be able to use my newfound influence on Sesame Street to limit the appearances of Elmo.

elmo the outlaw

Today I read my daughter and foster son a Sesame Street book featuring You Know Who giving safety tips. A dull book, despite the writers' halfhearted attempts to make it humorous with silly safety tips and illustrations.

The story became a lot more interesting when I started making up my own story, one only loosely connected with the pictures. It appears Elmo is in the middle of an attempt to destroy the world, and only the concerted efforts of the other Muppets thwart him, although he he still sends rampaging pachyderms down Sesame Street, launches an all-out assault on the planet from orbit and sics a pack of wolves on Bert at the zoo. (Best part is when I do Elmo's voice and say, "Now Elmo will launch his suborbital bombs! Hee hee hee hee hee!")

My daughter loved it, and asked me to read it to her three times.

sesame street in heaven

PBS will still have Sesame Street in heaven, but the Count will be gone to remove his occultic influence on the show, and Elmo will be digitally removed as well (and digitally cast into the Abyss). Less annoying Muppets will be inserted in his place.

elmo, bane of sesame street

I'm not alone. According to a popular web site, more and more of the public agrees that Elmo has caused Sesame Street to jump the shark.

Admittedly, one poster in particular has it right: A lot of us don't like Elmo because he wasn't on the show when we were kids and we don't want to accept that the show has evolved over the past 30 years. Some of the Elmo routines I've seen are quite good, though I'm afraid many of the Elmo videos are tedious. That, at least, is due more to the quality of the writing rather than Elmo himself. (One of the comments might have been correct in its comment that the genius of Sesame Street died, or at least took a serious beating, with the death of Jim Henson.)

The Onion had an unforgettable infographic on "The NEW Sesame Street." It includes changes like "More of that f****** Elmo's 'Elmo like this!' and 'Elmo like that!'" and my own favorite, "In sensitive segment, Bob, Susan, and Maria explain why change is good to distraught 30-year-old viewers."

elmo ruins christmas

Evangeline acquired another piece of Elmo paraphernalia this Christmas.

Her Uncle Blair's offense is mitigated somewhat in that this Elmo does not sing or play music. He simply rides along the kitchen floor on his scooter. (Evangeline also found that Elmo scoots down the stairs, but not as neatly as he does on a flat surface.)

Elmo is out of control

It's his agent and the soulless forces of marketing that have made Elmo so popular. Big Bird used to be the star of the show, but at some point Elmo took that spot.

It could be partly because the other actors have been doing the Muppet voices for so long they'd prefer to use more of their time elsewhere. Frank Oz, for example, had nearly as much to do with creating the Muppets as Jim Henson did, but he's been doing more directing lately.

On top of that, Elmo shows up on everything. All the specialty "Sesame Street" videotapes I've seen have had Elmo as the main character: ABCs, counting (what, is the Count not good for that anymore?), cooking, tapes of popular children's songs, and guides to the development of warfare in the 20th century.

Evangeline has a series of Sesame Street board books, and Elmo is the main character of the entire series. Even the book is based on the restaurant sketches that always featured Grover.

She's been given two Sesame Street toys -- a "radio" and a toy steering wheel assembly -- and Elmo is prominently featured on both of those. My nephew has a toy guitar with Elmo on it. Press the button and it sings, "Jam with Elmo!"

All that bombardment makes Elmo more immediately recognizable to little children, with the result that even if he isn't their favorite character, he soon will be.

Dear Sesame Workshop people, please: Rein the little fucker in.

Kids Favorite Songs 2

I was reminded Wednesday why I hate Elmo so much.

My daughter turned 2 on Oct. 30, and for her birthday, a friend of ours bought her "Kids Favorite Songs 2," an Elmo music tape that features popular children's songs like "This Old Man" and "The Wheels of the Bus."

The idea is nice, but Elmo is an awful host, and the actual performances are so unbelievably subpar for Sesame Street that I'm amazed it got to carry that label. Talk about diluting the brand! There was no innovation to speak of on most of the songs, the arrangements were way too simple, and it contains what I imagine are supposed to be cute little segments of real children trying to sing the songs.

Evangeline was mesmerized by the video, but I think the producers forgot that Sesame Street's greatest strength is that it entertains children without talking down to them, so adults can enjoy it too.

We have the 25th Anniversary Musical Celebration videotape, and I enjoy watching it with Evangeline or hearing it while I'm working in another room. Now I have to figure out how to specify to people that we'd prefer tapes like that one and not these cheesy "Elmo Presents" tapes.