It was like looking in a mirror.
I was up late Monday night, owing to my ongoing issues with insomnia, and turned to the web pages of Real Live Preacher. Skimming through some of his recent essays, I came across a group of them about depression and started reading them. It was revelatory. A lot of the behaviors he described -- a sudden groundswell of rage over the dumbest shit, beating a retreat from family and friends, spending too much time on the computer, and not being the daddy my girls once had -- describe me more than I would like to admit.
In some ways, it wouldn't be surprising to discover that I have some form of chemical imbalance or chronic depression, to one degree or another. Half America these days is on Prozac, thanks to an overactive advertising campaign by the pharmacological industry, but there is some legitimate history of it in my family. My aunt has been hospitalized in the past for depression and even testified before Congress concerning the use of electroshock therapy, and my grandmother battled these demons throughout what of her life I can recall.
The Preacher listed migraines waking up early and being filled with anxiety; bowel problems and a few other symptoms of deficient neurotransmitters. I don't have all those he listed, but I do have other symptoms, such as oversleeping. I also get migraines and insomnia, but I've had those since I was a teen. Of course, that doesn't mean it's not related ...
Some of my symptoms may be linked to the various thyroid problems I have had, now presumably being corrected with thyroid hormone. I still have to go through the iodine chemo to clear out the rest of my cancer, but after I've had a chance to get back onto my thyroid hormone, I probably should make a doctor's appointment to see if I should add depression to my litany of problems.
Happy pills, just what I always wanted.
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3 comments:
I know the "happy pills" remark was just in fun, but in case you're not sure. Let me tell you that the family of drugs currently used to treat various neurotransmitter deficiencies have NO effect on your mood. My medication doesn't have the slightest effect in that way. I don't feel happy unless I should. I feel sad when things are sad. And I wouldn't want to dull either of those.
The difference is, now my feelings are matching up with reality better.
If I offended with the "happy pills" remark, I apologize. Still, your description of what depression treatment does is probably the best I've heard. It doesn't improve a person's mood; it allows a person to have a mood.
In my case, the symptoms tend to be a more nocturnal sleep cycle (going to sleep at four a.m. and getting up at three in the afternoon, for instance), lessened appetite, lethargy... basically I start not wanting to do anything.
Zoloft did actually have a sort of flattening effect on my moods. I suppose that would be a plus if you were bipolar, but in my case, after the initial helpfulness of dulling the suicidality after The First Great Coming-Out, it was wearying.
Lexapro doesn't have that effect; however, I'm beginning to suspect its effectiveness over the long run.
I wasn't allowed to mention my "happy pills" in front of my siblings at first, so I started calling the Zoloft "Vitamin Z."
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