Tuesday, August 22, 2006

houston, we have a problem

Suddenly 9-11 and the last five years make sense in a whole new way.
 
According to a news story flying around the Internet, Osama bin Laden is a man in love. The purported object of his affections is none other than recording superstar Whitney Houston. That's according to Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof, who claims to have been bin Laden's sex slave about ten years ago, and whose new autobiography also reports that bin Laden had a thing for Playboy and Star magazine.
 
It all fits. What was 9-11 but a lonely man's desparate bid for attention from the woman he loves? It goes right in line with recent efforts by Hezbollah leaders to steal the attention of Britney Spears away from husband Kevin Federline by instigating a war with Israel, or the Iranian president's bid to woo Angelina for a "private meeting" away from Brad Pitt by showing how tough he is with U.N. inspectors and the American government. (And let's not even get started on Hugo Chavez and his dreams of a date with Jennifer Aniston now that she's quashed rumors that she's engaged.)
 
These poor, desparate guys. I doubt there's not a single person out there who doesn't know what it's like to linger, moonstruck, over a superstar's latest movie or album, knowing -- just knowing -- that the relationship could be a deepfully meaning, long-lasting one, if only the star would return their phone calls or answer their letters.
 
Heck, Osama. I can relate. Way back when, I had a thing for Wynona Ryder. A friend of mine still has one for Drew Barrymore.
 
My advice to bin Laden would be pretty straightforward: Stop moping around on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan and sending other people to die just because you're heartbroken. If you still want to marry Whitney, be a little more assertive and direct. Send a videotaped statement to al Jazeera, explaining how you feel about her. I'm sure her publicist will let her know about the broadcast.
 
Next, use some of that wealth you have -- the bin Ladens are a wealthy Saudi family, after all -- and find her number. Don't come on too strong -- the sort of women who are worth pursuing do get turned off by the degree of mass murder and hatred you've been connected with -- but explain how long you've been carrying the candle for her, and ask her out. Arabic is a very poetic language, and I'm sure you can persuade her without resorting to suicide bombers.
 
If she says no, don't be mad. Rejection happens to all of us; the trick is to move on and not dwell on it as though it has ended all your chances of happiness. I got turned down plenty of times for dates before I found the right woman, as have most men.
 
But if Whitney says yes, the real trouble is going to begin. You'll have to take her on a date, where it's best you not talk about how infidels are ruining the world, about the evils of music, or the glories of jihad and martyrdom. In fact, Osama, I'd wait until at least the second date before bringing up religion and politics at all.
 
It's a tough thing, loving someone who doesn't know you exist, but hang in there, Osama. We all understand.
 

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