Monday, August 14, 2006

thyroid: the motion picture

It's been several months since my last update, so here is the latest news on my thyroid: I don't have one.

If I lived in the Marvel Universe, my thyroid and I probably would have been reunited by now, in a cataclysmic battle the likes of which has never been seen before, at least if you don't count the summer crossovers that Marvel has foisted upon its readers every one of the last seventeen years. This all would have started after my thyroid started to absorb nutrients and chemicals after hospital employees failed to dispose of it properly, until it assumed a hideous mockery of life. I can imagine it, even now, crawling across Iowa, eager to destroy me in retaliation for sundering it from the rest of my body.

Conversely, I just as easily can see myself having been driven to a life of crime by my thyroidectomy. Imagine a supervillain with a name like "Thyroid Man" or (better yet) "Doctor Thyroid," waylaying unsuspecting people in the alleys and streets of New York, pulling their thyroids from their necks and putting them into his own, in an attempt to replace his. It's not much of a life, admittedly, but it'd be a great way to meet either Daredevil or Spider-man, and get his autograph. Of course, with my luck I'd get taken out by some low-budget superhero like "D-Man," the Captain America sidekick-wannabe with a B.O. problem

Could have been fun either way, as long as D-Man kept away. Instead, I'm pretty sure the thyroid has decayed by now, in whatever landfill or dump they toss medical waste like cancerous organs.

In a more serious vein, my next checkup is slated for October, when I expect to be declared cancer-free.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for my next supply of thyroid medication to arrive in the mail. I ordered the stuff from a mail-order pharmacy not based in Canada about two weeks ago, but I haven't received anything yet. Given that the supply of thyroid hormone I have in the house ran out Sunday, I'd really like to get this today. It's nice to save the money by mail ordering medication, but as I explained to their customer service people when I hadn't received my medication by the expected time, I need this stuff to stay alive over the long haul.

I can renew the old prescription one more time, but since my doctor raised my dosage from 150 mcg of levothyroxin to 200 mcg, I'd prefer to get the newer prescription. It'll boost my energy levels, aid my efforts to lose weight, and since there's supposed to be a six-month supply of the little pills in the bottle, it'll make a better weapon to throw at my marauding thyroid once it finally arrives.

No comments: