'A /nightmare on Sesame Street'

"A Nightmare on Sesame Street"
Directed by Clive Barker
Special Guest Star Stephen King

Scene 1

[The scene begins with Big Bird surrounded by the various human characters of Sesame Street, who are offering various condolences.]

Big Bird: But I don't understand. Why did Snufflufagus have to leave?

Maria: It was just his time, Big Bird, that's all. I'm sure Mister Snufflufagus is happier now.

Big Bird: Did I do something wrong? Didn't he like it here with me?

Maria: Of course he did. You were his best friend. But when we die, Big Bird, we have to go away, whether we want to or not. There was nothing that Snufflufagus could do.

Big Bird: Then I'll wait for him. Snufflufagus was my friend. I won't leave him. He'll come back for me.

Bob (cutting in): People don't come back from death, Big Bird. It's like when Mr. Hooper died. He hasn't come back.

[Oscar the Grouch appears from inside his trash can.]

Oscar: Well, look-ee here! Why all the glum faces? You're still not all upset about the recent... departure... of that overgrown hairy elephant friend of yours, are you?

[Big Bird looks away, pained]

Bob: Oscar, I think that now is a really bad time to...

Oscar: And now you've gone and brought up another blast from the past. But Mr. Hooper never had a chance to come back. He didn't have the same friends that Mister Snufflufagus and I do!
[Oscar leans way out of his garbage can, craning his neck to look at Big Bird.]
Your pal Snuffy will be back, Big Bird, I guarantee it! We have a VERY powerful friend, and he'll bring your precious Snufflupagus back.

Big Bird (wiping at his beak): Really, Oscar? But when? When will Mister Snufflufagus be back?

Maria: Oscar, this is a HORRIBLE thing for you to do to Big Bird! His best friend is gone! How can you talk like that to him?

Oscar: Aw, you just don't understand, Maria. My friend just borrowed Snufflufagus for a short while, but ol' Snuffy will be back, Big Bird, just you wait. Heh-heh-heh. Just you wait.

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Scene 2

[Guest star Stephen King is sitting at a typewriter, writing a book, speaking the words out loud as he types. Big Bird comes in behind him and stands quietly.]

King: "Almost ... everyone ... thought ... the ... man ... and ... the ... boy ... were ... father ... and ... son." Oh, hello, Big Bird. How are you doing?

Big Bird: I'm all right, I guess, Mr. King. I was just at Mister Snufflufagus's funeral.

King: I was sorry to hear he died, Big Bird. My children and I all loved Snufflufagus an awful lot.

Big Bird: Me too. (Pause) Mr. King, Maria and Bob say Snufflufagus won't be coming back, but Oscar the Grouch says he'll be returning tonight. Do people really return from being dead?

King: (looks perplexed by the question) I really don't know, Big Bird. People believe all sorts of things about death. In Egypt, they used to believe the pharaohs would come to life again, which is why they made mummies out of them.

Big Bird: Do mummies come back to life?

King: Maybe. In other places, like Haiti, they believe in creatures called zombies. They're people who died but are magically revived.

Big Bird: But what about Snufflufagus? Will he come back to life? I miss him.

King: I don't know, Big Bird. To be honest, no one I've ever known has come back to life. But we'll have to wait and see.

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Scene 3

Animation: A big blue V appears and then melts and changes colors to the
following words, all accompanied by voice-overs and light background music.
V
Valley
Vagrant
Vane
Valentine
Veil
Varnish
Victoria (a little girl with red hair)
Vampire (a picture of the Count)
V

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Scene 4

Big Bird [Nervously excited]: Is he coming, Oscar? You said Snufflufagus would be coming back soon.

Oscar [looking around, pleased]: He's almost here, Big Bird. He just had to cross the threshold first.

[A light fog begins to roll in. In the distance, we hear a low groan, like the one that Snufflufagus is known for.]

Big Bird (tilts his head): Did you hear something, Oscar?

Oscar: Heh heh heh. He's coming, Big Bird! I told you my friend would bring him back!

[The fog deepens. There is another groan, louder this time.]

Big Bird [Timidly]: Snufflufagus--is that you?

[The fog is now up past Big Bird's waist. We can barely see the outline of Oscar's trash can.]

Oscar (loudly): Snufflufagus! Has the master sent you?

Snufflufagus: (now becoming visible) He has. Big Bird, my friend, where are you?

Big Bird (hopefully): Here I am, Snufflufagus. Over here! What happened, Snuffy? They told me you had gone away and weren't coming back!

Snufflufagus: I'm sorry, Bird. It wasn't my choice. But things are better now. There is a lot that Bob and Maria do not know. Come closer, and I will show you.

[Big Bird shuffles forward, and we see Snufflufagus raise his trunk to embrace Big Bird. Suddenly there is a frightened squawk, and Oscar laughs crazily, right before we cut to--]

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Scene 5

[Kermit is plucking at the mandolin and singing the opening verse to "The Monster Mash." As the song continues, he is joined in order by Elmo, Telly, Cookie Monster, Max, and Grover. Halfway through the song, Elmo exits for no apparent reason. Last of all to appear is the Count, who sings the last two lines solo:]

For you the living, my dance was meant too;
When you get to my house, tell them Big Bird sent you!
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

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Scene 6

[Bert and Ernie are at their house. As they talk, Ernie is making the rounds of the room, hanging up garlic at first the window and then the door to their bedroom.]

Bert: What are you doing, Ernie?

Ernie: I'm putting up garlic, Bert.

Bert [slowly]: Ernie, do you have any idea how expensive garlic is? Why are you wasting it as a decoration?

Ernie: It's not a decoration, Bert. It's PROTECTION.

Bert: Don't be ridiculous, Ernie! Protection from what? Good smells? Paper clip vandals? Our neighbors?

Ernie: It's protection from vampires, Bert! Mr. King told me earlier today that vampires can't enter a house with garlic around the doors and windows.

Bert: Don't be ridiculous, Ernie. There is no such thing as a vampire.

Ernie: I'll bet that's what Big Bird thought, Bert. And Elmo too! But now they're both (pause) Well, I heard Maria say they had small holes in their throats.

Bert: (getting steadily more exasperated) Then they were bitten by an animal, Ernie. No one believes in vampires anymore.

Ernie: That's probably why Big Bird and Elmo are dead, Bert. [Ernie finishes hanging the garlic around the bedroom door, but he still has a bunch in his hand.] There.

Bert: Will you stop being so ridiculous, Ernie? There are no vampires!

[Bert rips down the garland Ernie had hung over the bedroom window, startling his friend. Suddenly from outside comes the sound of squawking, fluttering pigeons.]

Bert: What's that? What's the noise?

Ernie (spooked): Bert, maybe you --we -- should --

Bert (approaching window): Matilda? Bernice? My pigeons? Is that you? Is something wrong?

[Bert leans closer towards the window, trying to peer through and see what is wrong with his pigeons. Suddenly he screams and jumps back. But before he can flee the room, a large wolf smashes through the glass, knocks Bert to the ground, then howls madly into the air. As the stuffing begins to fly, Ernie
clutches the garlic to his chest and holds out a large wooden crucifix in the direction of the wolf.]

Ernie: Bert! No! Bert!

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Scene 7

[Some random purple Muppet with black hair is dressed up like Elvis in a white outfit with silver trim, a cape and black shades. Behind him is a black curtain with the number 13 emblazoned in dark red numerals. He sings, accompanied by other nondescript Muppets on various instruments.]

Thirteen
Is such a lovely number
Thirteen
Everything else is such a bummer
Except thirteen.

One is too lonely for fun
Two is company,
Good for playing with a buddy
Three is a crowd; this music's too loud.

But thirteen
Is such a lovely number
Thirteen
Everything else is such a bummer
Except thirteen.

Four, you need to lock the door
Five you won't get out alive
Get to six and grab a crucifix
So that seven will get you into heaven

But thirteen
Is such a lovely number
Thirteen
Everything else is such a bummer
Except thirteen.

Eight? Man, it's getting late.
Nine and we're almost out of time.
Ten we're in a jackal's den
Eleven, twelve? Put 'em on the shelf.

But thirteen
Is such a lovely number
Thirteen
Everything else is such a bummer
Except thirteen.

All hail our lord and master, Satan.

[Close-up on the purple Elvis, and now we see that he has protruding canines.]

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Scene 8

Stock footage from various horror flicks, accompanied by lighthearted, upbeat music.

Girl: (v/o) Mommy, where do vampires comes from?

Pictures of Bela Lugosi and other Draculas from film (Nosferatu, etc.) as they walk the night, summoning bats, wolves and fog, et cetera, interspersed with various happy scenes, like flowers in the sun, and pictures of vampires feeding on living prey. Finally close on a coffin, as from an old Hammer film. Long fingers appear from the underside of the coffin lid, and it begins to open as the vampire emerges from its slumber, blood streaking its chin. It grins cheerfully, eyes alight, welcoming, as the song ends on a pleasant note.

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Scene 9

[Kermit the Frog is standing outside on Sesame Street in his reporter's garb, holding a mike.]

Kermit: This is Kermit D. Frog, live with Sesame Street news. Something strange is happening here on Sesame Street, the likes of which have never been seen before. Here comes someone now! Excuse me, sir, could you--

Passerby: Out of my way, you fascist media punk.

Kermit: (under his breath) Jerk. Excuse me, I'm from Sesame Street --

Passerby: Get that microphone out of my face!

[Second passerby pushes Kermit down.]

Kermit: Asshole. (gets back up) Excuse me, I'm a reporter with -- AIGH!

[The third person picks Kermit up and throws him into a bunch of garbage cans.]

Kermit: I knew I should have stayed on The Muppet Show. At least I got some movie gigs there.

Oscar the Grouch: (pops from can) All right, all right, what's all the commotion here? Hey! Aren't you that reporter person?

Kermit: Yes, I'm trying to do a spot piece on the recent rash of killings here on Sesame Street.

Oscar: Well isn't that funny! [He leans back and yells down into his garbage can.] Right, Slimey? Isn't that funny? [He leans over to Kermit and says, a little conspiratorially.] It just so happens I know who's been doing them.

Kermit: You do?

Oscar: Of course I do. It's long overdue. You've all put me down for so long, making me live in this smelly old trash can and making fun of my junk collection. But now, well, Oscar has some powerful friends who are going to put things right!

[As he talks, a long striped worm slips from the can and slithers around Oscar's neck. As it does so, Oscar unconsciously pets it. The entire scene is very unsettling. Slimy thpps out a forked tongue as Kermit watches, engrossed.]

Kermit [finally]: Um, Oscar, I thought you wanted to live in that can.

Oscar: Oh, you're a regular comedian, aren't you? Everyone's got to be a comedian. Well, my master is going to put it all to rights. And he's already taught me so much. So laugh about THAT, frogface!

Kermit: Taught you? What has your master taught you, Oscar?

Oscar: It's all in the blood, Kermit, everything. How do people live? By eating things that were once alive. They consume the life of smaller creatures, and it stretches out their lifespans.

Kermit: Um, that's very interesting, Oscar ...

Oscar: But think what would happen if they ate LIVE things, Kermit. The life force would be that much stronger. What things do you eat?

Kermit: Me? Um, flies mostly, I guess.

Oscar: And they're alive, aren't they? And how old are you? And how much have you aged? You still look the same age as when we first went on the air. Maria and Bob both look older. Mr. Hooper died. But because you eat living things, you've barely aged at all!

Kermit: Um ... I thought it was because I was made of felt and came with a dozen spares.

Oscar: Now suppose you drank the blood of something larger than yourself, Kermit. You'd swallow its life force and live that much longer, wouldn't you? Now, suppose you drank the blood of something like... Mister Snufflufagus?

Kermit: (shocked) O-Oscar, did you -- ?

Oscar (rolls his eyes): Of course not! Don't be an idiot. The MASTER did that. And then Snufflufagus took Big Bird. And then the master took Elmo, whose life was so strong and ticklishly vibrant. And then he took Bert too.

Kermit: You--You're mad, Oscar! Mad!

Oscar: (begins to laugh) Is that what you think? Did you hear that, Slimy? The frog thinks I'm mad! Heh heh heh! Well, Kermit, the master will set you straight! You'll learn! You'll ALL learn!

Slimy: [Thhhp]

[As Oscar's laughter crescendos, Kermit runs away in terror.]

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Scene 10

[Stephen King, Cookie Monster, Kermit the Frog and Grover are all assembled.]

Kermit: ... and that's what he said has been going on.

Grover: That's horrible! Who could do such a thing?

Cookie Monster: Uh-oh. Me have idea.

King: Are you thinking of whom I'm thinking of, Cookie Monster?

Cookie Monster: Me not know what you thinking of.

King: (slowly) Oscar described the basic practices of a vampire. Do you know any vampires on Sesame Street?

Cookie Monster: Me thinking same thing Mr. King was thinking.

[There is a long pause.]

Grover: No! That is silly. The Count just likes to count things. He does not do these things.

Kermit: He's always been so friendly, Mr. King.

King: He might be friendly, Kermit, but he's a vampire. And it's a vampire's nature to drink blood.

Kermit (finally): So what if it's true, then? What can we do about it?

Cookie Monster: Me not know. How you stop vampires, Mr. King?

King: There are a few ways. Direct sunlight is always best, since that burns their bodies to dust.

Grover: But it's getting dark already! How can we get them out into the sunlight?

King: There's also another possibility, Grover. You can put stakes through their hearts.

[The three Muppets recoil at the thought.]

Cookie Monster: Me not like steak, Mr. King. Me like cookies.

King: Not a steak you eat, Cookie Monster. A wooden stake -- like this one. (Produces a stake) If you pound it through the vampire's heart, it should kill him instantly.

Kermit (eyes King, then the stake, then King again): Um... Will you come with us, Mr. King?

King (shrugs): I can give you a lift to the Count's castle, Kermit, but that's it. My wife wants me back in time for dinner, and vampires are scary.

Cookie Monster: Oh! Me like dinner. Especially if dinner is cookies.

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Scene 11

Animation: Stephen King, Cookie Monster, Kermit and Grover are all in a car. While the animation plays, the car moves forward through woods haunted by ghosts and werewolves, and we hear a song. Tune is "We Three Kings."

Stephen King and we three are
Driving through dark forest afar
To a castle near Newcastle
Where await certain scares.

Oh-oh! Evil incarnate, fiend most foul!
Form of mist or wolf on prowl.
Ever-hunting, bringing many
To a fate much worse than death.

There a vampire fattened on gloom
Waits to seal our final doom
Cross and garlic, stake and mallet,
We take with us to the tomb.

Oh-oh! Evil incarnate, fiend most foul!
Form of mist or wolf on prowl.
Ever-hunting, bringing many
To a fate much worse than death.

Meet him there we fear we must do
Fight to the death in night's dark dew
Till the sunrise in the east fries
Him and his evil brood.

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Scene 12

[Kermit, Grover and Cookie Monster stand in the massive foyer of a large hall. They are huddled close together, each facing a different direction and holding out their crucifixes.]

Grover: Hel-lo! Is anybody home?

Kermit (eyes bulging): Are you crazy, Grover? Do you want him to know we're here?

Count: (v/o, very loud) One! Ahaha! Two! Ahaha! Three! Three lovely victims!

Cookie Monster: Count! Me abjure you by all things holy, come out so me can see you!

[Fog begins to fill the room, thick, enveloping fog that looks like it could choke a horse. Near an old grandfather clock appears a large avian shape.]

Grover: Big Bird?

Big Bird: Come here, Grover, and we can play together.

Kermit: No, Grover, don't! It's a trick!

Big Bird: A trick? [Big Bird sounds sad.] Would I ever lie to you, Grover?

Grover (shaky): No, Big Bird never lied to friends.

Big Bird: And I am your friend, Grover. Come closer, and we can be together forever.

Kermit: Grover, don't believe it. Big Bird is dead.

[There is a low mooing sound.]

Lulu the Cow: Cookie Monster, come eat my cookies. I have them for you-oo-oo, they're all chocolate chip. I know you-oo-oo love chocolate chip cookies.

Cookie Monster: (eyes going crazy) No, me love chocolate chip cookies, but you no love me. You want to suck Cookie Monster's blood!

Miss Piggy: (appears from mist) Hello, Kermie.

Kermit: No! You're not Miss Piggy!

Big Bird: Come play with me!

Lulu: They're fresh from the oven!

Miss Piggy: Our children are waiting for you, Kermit. Come join us!

[There is a long pause as the trio tries to resist, but they cannot. Each one breaks rank, running to join his vampire seducer.]

Grover: Oh boy! What shall we play first, Big Bird?

Cookie Monster: Me love cookies! Me eat this one first!

Kermit: Oh Piggy!

[Suddenly there are three blood-curling shrieks, and Big Bird, Lulu and Miss Piggy all fall to the ground, screaming the agonies of the damned.]

Grover: What is the matter, Big Bird?

Kermit (with sudden brilliance): The crosses--they can't bear the crosses!

Cookie Monster: Oh boy! Chocolate CHOCOLATE chip! That is Cookie Monster's favorite!

[Kermit draws out his mallet and a wooden stake, which he positions over Miss Piggy's heart.]

Kermit: Forgive me, Miss Piggy. To death -- in peace.

[He slams the mallet down hard on the stake, ramming it through Miss Piggy's heart. A trickle of blood slips from the corner of her mouth.]

Miss Piggy: (sweetly) Oh, Kermie ...

Kermit: (choked up) In peace forevermore.

[Realizing the truth, a sobbing Grover finishes off Big Bird with his stake.]

Cookie Monster: Oh boy! Oreo cookies! These also are Cookie Monster's favorite.

[He puts the cross down on Lulu absently to get the cookies with both hands, and doesn't notice when she bursts into flames with a hellish moo of agony. Then there is silence, except for Cookie Monster's eating, and in that quiet we hear Kermit sobbing quietly to himself over the dust of Miss Piggy. Grover shuffles over and slings his arm across the frog's shoulder.]

[None of them notice a bat circling overhead.]

Grover: I am sorry, Kermit. It was all you could do. It was a mercy to them.

[Suddenly the bat stops near Cookie Monster and morphs into the Count. He grabs the preoccupied Muppet by the scruff and flings him across the room. Cookie Monster smashes into a wall and then slides down its length, trailing blue fur, peppered by cookie crumbs.]

Count: One! Ahaha!

[The count rips up a huge flagstone and flings it at Grover, smashing him flat beneath its weight, leaving only one blue furry hand visible.]

Count: Two! Ahaha!

[At the sight, Kermit drops his cross and falls to his knees, hands behind his back. He shakes violently. When he finally speaks, his voice is filled with terror.]

Kermit: No, Count, please. Please don't kill me.

Count (pondering, then...): No, my frog. You shall join me instead.

Kermit: Yes! Join you! Thank you!

[The Count comes close, preparing to bite Kermit's neck, when the frog suddenly brings up his arms. In one smooth motion, he slams the stake onto the Count's chest, then drives it into his heart with one hard blow.]

Kermit: I'll join you in hell!

[Both stare at each other for a long moment, the Count with a puzzled look on his face, as if he does not understand what has happened. Then the confusion resolves into resigned sadness.]

Count (hoarsely): One. [cough] One dead vampire.

[With a final sniffle, the Count bursts into white flames. In seconds, he is burnt to ash, which scatters across the floor of the room. Kermit falls to the floor, shaking. A group of various Muppets, led by Snufflufagus, arrive on the scene and perform Michael Jackson's "Thriller."]

[As the song finally ends, the screen fades to black.]

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Scene 13

[We now cut to Kermit, who is waking up in a hospital bed while Bob and Maria wait by his side. Bob is wearing a festive green- and red-striped sweater.]

Kermit: What? Is it really you? Was it all a dream?

Maria: Oh thank goodness you're awake, Kermit. We were worried, you were so sick.

Kermit: I had the scariest dream, Maria. I thought the Count had turned everyone on Sesame Street into vampires.

[Bob and Maria turn to look at each other, smiling.]

Maria: Oh, don't be silly, Kermit. Why would he do that?

[As she speaks, the full moon peaks through the window. When the light hits Maria, she contorts as if in agony. She sprouts fur and begins howling like a wolf as Kermit shrinks back in his bed. With one final eerie cry, she crashes through the window, disappearing into the night.]

Bob (shaking his head and sighing): This place is going to the dogs.

[Although still distinctly Bob's, the voice now sounds like churning gravel. Kermit cowers in terror. When Bob turns back to face the frog, his face is now covered with hideous burn scars. And when he lifts his right hand and wiggles his fingers, the razor blades attached to his leather glove tinkle merrily in the moonlight.]

Bob [cruelly]: All right, froggie. About time for you to croak.

[Bob leans way over the bed, his sweater blocking the camera as Kermit begins to shriek. Only undulating green and red stripes can be seen as the background music begins to roll.]

Oscar's voice (v/o): Sesame Street is a production of the Children's Television Workshop. Today's show has been brought to you by the letters E, V,
I and L, and by the Number 13.

Come on, Slimy! We've got another crate to deliver!