mousetraps

The cruelest mouse traps I have ever heard about supposedly work but are very painful and inhumane. I do not recommend using them, even though I read about them in one of Cecil Adams' first Straight Dope books.

The first: Plug up extant mouse holes with steel wool. The mice will eat through the steel wool to get back into the house, and in the process swallow tiny bits of steel that will slice their insides to ribbons.

The second: Leave out bait -- ground up cereal or something similar -- thoroughly mixed with cement powder. The mouse eats both, and in the course of the next day, begins to experience severe abdominal pains as its intestines turn to concrete.

Those, I think, match the criterion "diabolical."

Also cruel and unusual punishment: Catch the mice in a cage and read them "Jane Eyre" until they begin to commit suicide, one after the other. This one has the drawback that if the mice don't die, they might team up to plot your destruction.

Another possibility: Acquire an atom bomb, connect it to a circuit that prevents the bomb from detonating as long as it remains intact. Coat the circuit with peanut butter. The ensuing explosion will end your mouse problem for some time.

Lastly, might I suggest an important first step? Don't let geneticists make the mice smarter.