job references

A co-worker of mine asked me if I would act as a reference for him in the event he needs one. (Like me, he's fighting desparately to leave the newspaper we work at.) Below are some of the references I told him I would be happy to give:

1. "As long as he remembers to take his medication and keeps away from sharp objects, Brian is a pleasant enough fellow to work with."
2. "I urge you to waste no time in considering Brian for a position with your company."
3. "I am moved to tears whenever I read something Brian writes."
4. "Brian one day will be remembered in the same breath as other great men like Napoleon, Genghis Khan and Idi Amin."
5. "Brian is a great guy to work with. True, he is dim-witted and rude, his table manners leave a lot to be desired, and he has a small, misshapen mind with a body to match, but he ... I'm sorry, I can't remember where I was going."
6. "Brian is a simple, down-to-earth sort of fellow, much like you'd expect from someone whose parents met at a family reunion."
7. "You might have doubts that Brian will be able to handle the responsibilities of the task he is applying for. I assure you that there's nothing to worry about; from everything I've seen here, he'll soon find someone else whom he get manipulate into doing the job for him."
8. "Brian is the only former death-row inmate I know who can handle this job."
9. "Well, I don't want to say too much in case he's got my line bugged, but Brian seems to know an awful lot about munitions and ordnance, and he's been interviewed by the FBI an awful lot lately..."
10. "My God! Pedersen is applying there? Hire him, you fools! The last three people to turn him down all were found three days later, floating face-down in the Hudson."