over 30 syndrome

It's pretty dreadful, really. If you were cool, you stop; and if you weren't, you're totally screwed. Pop culture references are lost on you, your own pop culture references are hopelessly obscure, the newest technology fascinates you in an abstract way but not in a way that makes you go out and get it, and you start to realize that you're still in the same place you were 10 years ago, even in ways that do matter.

I think I've had it for going on six years or so.

Some of the symptoms I've manifested:

• I have one of those superslow Dial Up connections. There are no plans to get a cable modem or DSL.
• I don't have an iPod. If I did, I probably would consider it my widescreen TV set.
• I have never burned a CD of music I downloaded from the Internet.
• At church, I often feel that the worship is too loud and hurts my ears. (I also miss the good old days when we sang hymns.)
• Not only do I lack a cell phone, I'm constantly amazed to hear the new things they can do. (Did you know that you can use them as calculators? My wife just told me.)
• Rather than buy new books, I visit the librarian.

Despite having Over 30 Syndrome, I'm generally able to hold my own in most conversation. I can talk politics, religion, the environment, literature and several other topics with a degree of competence, and comport myself respectably.

When the conversation drifts into pop culture, though, I'm at something of a loss. I don't go see the new hot movies -- I usually wait until they come out on DVD -- so I recently was left cold when someone alluded to "Pirates of the Caribbean 2." I responded with my own allusion to "Ghostbusters 2," and unfortunately I looked like a doofus in both cases.

Now I know why you should never trust anyone over 30. It's because they're hopelessly out of touch with reality.