Eason is Benched

Nothing dies on the Internet. As proof I offer this Star Trek parody, written by yours truly my sophomore year of college. (That would have been in 1989-90.) There have been times I've done ego searches for things I wrote and posted to the Usenet, but I never was able to find this one. Until yesterday. It's not very funny, admittedly, but I wrote it on a lark after someone posted a football message on rec.arts.startrek.

"Eason is benched"

Lt. Worf stomps up and down the Enterprise corridors, very angrily while Wesley follows him all over the place, acting like an annoying brat.

Wesley: Gee, Worf, it's almost my bedtime, how about that? When I was really little Mom used to read me bedtime stories. She used to read me stuff like Trigonometry for Three Year-Olds and Quantum Physics Made Simple. My favorite one was written by Captain Scott, on warp drive and how it could be improved, like the new quadratic drive on the Enterprise.

Worf: (hitting communicator) Security to Holodeck 5. Hostile enemy detected inside, executing program #1-800-555-2929, "Cabbage Patch Kids Record Collection."

Wesley: (still talking) He said there might be some potential in trilithium crystals, provided we adjusted the flow through the osculatory valve by about 5 Ramazidians, and...

Security arrives. There is a massive shoot-out in Holodeck 5 in which little pieces of cabbage go flying everywhere, even out into the corridor where they dissolve in little sparkles of light. At last the dangerous pre-schooler is apprehended and escorted by security to the brig. Worf emerges from the holodeck.

Wesley: (still talking)... which I think is complete nonsense, since everyone knows abstract pigs don't secrete mathematical cows. But anyhow, Worf, what sort of bedtime stories do Klingons read their children?

Worf: Klingons do not read bedtime stories.

Wesley: But you must do something to relax your children at bedtime.

Worf: (Nods.) Klingon parents dip their children in boiling oil before they put them to bed.

Wesley: (He is shocked.) Boiling oil? Oh my gosh! Why?

Worf: It relaxes the nerves, and helps the children to sleep more easily.

Wesley: Boy, Worf, life on the Enterprise must sure seem dull to you with Klingons used to all that.

Worf: I'd prefer the oil.

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[scene shifts to show the Earth orbiting the sun, and we hear Picard's voice begin to speak those well-known words...]

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier...

Wait a second. That's the wrong season's opener. You're supposed to show a galaxy.

[scene changes to a galaxy toward which we begin rushing alongside Haley's comet, which was blown way off course by the US military in 2063, when they thought it was an incoming Soviet missile.]

[Picard's voice begins again.]

As I was saying, The Final Frontier...

These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, her ongoing mission, to seek out new -- hey what happened to Saturn? That's not my starship!

[scene now shows the old Enterprise, NCC-1701 in orbit around one of those orange planets TOS was so noted for having an abundance of.]

[Kirk's voice now kicks in.]

Kirk: To seek out new life, and new civilizations...

Picard: Hey, what are you doing here? This is my show! Get out of here, you relic!

Kirk: Relic? Who are you calling a relic? You're a lot older than me, buddy!

Spock: (Observing as the two captains argue, one eyebrow raised. Then, noting that the credits are beginning, speaks.) To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Pulaski: Hey, that's sexist! It should be, "Where no *one* has gone before!"

[The argument continues as the opening credits roll. Over the ST:TNG music we can distinctly hear shouts of "Upstart!", "Baldie!", "Antique", and a few rounds of phaser fire. The credits at last end, and we see the TNG Enterprise warp off into space.]

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
Advertisements for reruns from TNG's first two seasons.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is playing tonight.
If you use Crest toothpaste, your teeth will look nice.
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Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 3456.789: Hmmm... I wonder what the chances are of that happening -- never mind, Data.

Wesley: (to Riker) ... and you should have seen him, Commander Riker, he was incredible! I thought for sure Worf had had it when that intruder threw "There Was an Old Lady who Swallowed a Smurf" at him!

Riker: That reminds me, where is Worf? We was due up here fifteen minutes ago.

Data: Unknown at this time.

[Worf stalks in, very mad. When Wesley says hello, he growls back, stomps up to his duty station, and pounds his fists onto the control console. A dozen photon torpedoes are fired and travel on into space where they will eventually meet a large gathering of B'nga'Low Attack vessels about to invade the Federation, and obliterate them. However, this is in the distant future, and does not concern us.]

Troi: Captain, I sense great anger.

Picard: (very concerned) Where is it coming from, Counselor?

Troi: I am not sure, Captain, but it seems to be coming from this bridge.

[Everyone is staring intently at Troi, and only Wesley notices a blinking light on his control panel.]

Wesley: Captain Picard, there's something you should know...

Picard: Quiet, Wesley. Troi is trying to isolate the source of this anger.

Wesley: But Captain, I...

Riker: Wesley, be quiet. Wait until the captain gives you permission to speak. A good officer always obeys his captain's orders.

Wesley: But... but...

Worf: No "buts." Sir, request permission to kill the boy.

Picard: (seriously considers it) ... denied, Lieutenant. I'd have to explain it to his mother.

Troi: It seems to be coming from Worf...

[All turn to look at Worf whose teeth are clenched in anger, and whose eyes are roaring with rage.]

Picard: Are you sure? I don't want any more false alarms.

[Suddenly, the ship rocks violently as a barrage of phaser blasts hit it.]

Picard: What was that?

Wesley: A Borg ship just opened fire on us, Captain.

Picard: Why didn't you tell me when it came in range, ensign?

Wesley: I tried, sir, but you wouldn't let me.

Riker: Wesley, a good officer would always disobey his captain's orders if the ship were threatened.

Wesley: But... but...

Worf: No "buts." Sir, request permission to kill the boy.

Picard: A most tempting offer, lieutenant, but one I am afraid I must decline. Wesley's demise and the Borg ship will have to wait. We have an important crisis on our hands. Would everyone please come into my ready room?

[Scene change. They are now inside the ready room, about to have a conference.]

Picard: Mr. Data, do you have any idea why Lt Worf has been so angry?

Data: It could be he has reached the Toyz'r'us stage of his adulthood.

Picard: What does that entail?

Crusher: Every time an adult Klingon male faces some life-threatening crisis, he must play a ritual game of football, with his closest friends and family.

Data: Might I suggest, sir, that the Borg ship only fifteen hundred miles from the Enterprise overrides any ritual game we might otherwise play for Worf's benefit?

Picard: (snorting) Hah! That's easy for you to say! You don't sit directly in front of a man bordering on psychotic behavior who has access to the weapons lockers.

Riker: Besides, in the event that there are hostilities, we'll need Worf at his best.

Picard: (starting at a loud noise) Eh? Someone's firing phasers? Who?

[They emerge from the ready room to discover Worf has destroyed the Borg vessel with the phaser battery used in "Q Who."]

Picard: What is the meaning of this attack on an enemy ship?

Worf: I got sick of these conferences, and decided a little positive action was needed, sir. So I destroyed it. Sir.

[Picard wears one of those looks as if to say we've got to do something before this gets out hand.]

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
William Shatner appeared on Arsenio Hall three weeks ago.
A TOS rerun of "Where no man has gone before" is on next.
Joe Isuzu pulls another sneaky on the guys at Honda.
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[The bridge crew is assembled in Holodeck Five, which has been set up to resemble a 20th century football field.]

Data: But why is my position called "quarterback?" Would not "ballthrower" be more appropriate, as I am to throw the ball?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Data: And why do we call it a "touchdown," when I do not have to touch the ball down to the ground in order to score?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Data: Why do we have an engineer who seems to know so little about things outside his area of expertise?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Wesley: So, Worf, what kind of football are we going to play? Two-hand touch?

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* play two-hand touch. We tackle.

[The teams soon split up with Riker, Wesley, Geordi, and Crusher on one team. The other team is Picard, Data, Tasha, Worf, and Troi.]

Picard: Why do we have a dead woman on our defense?

Data: It would seem that one of the writers, when posting to rec.arts.startrek, made reference to putting Tasha on defense.

Picard: That's a very weak defense. Perhaps we should surrender.

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* surrender.

Picard: (overshadowed by the gigantic Worf) I see your point, Lieutenant. Perhaps I spoke in haste.

[The game begins with Riker's team kicking off to Picard's. Worf catches it and rushes forward. Wesley gets in his way and Worf plows him under, leaving him to hang on to Worf's leg. At last Worf trips over Wesley's head and the ball stops on the fifty yard line.]

Troi: Captain, I sense great pain coming from Acting Ensign Crushed.

Data: Surely you mean Acting Ensign Crusher?

Troi: No, I mean acting ensign *crushed*, and don't call me "Shirley."

[The game continues some more, until the two teams are tied in the fourth quarter. Worf has crippled members of both teams, and the ball now sits on the 30 yard line on the fourth down, with Picard's team in possession.]

Picard: Time out!

Data: Has anyone seen my arm? I seem to have lost it when Worf thought I had fumbled.

Troi: Why don't you have Geordi look for it with his VISOR?

Data: He lost it when Worf tackled him.

Picard: (waving his arm to dismiss the small talk) We'll find your arm in due time, Lieutenant. All we need is a field goal to win, so --

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* punt. Sir.

Picard: Then --

Worf: We shall go on to a glorious victory, and crush their spirit forever! We shall score a touchdown!!

Picard: But, Worf --

Worf: Data, I will run straight through to the goal post and you will pass it to me. Captain, you will run out to the right and yell "Here, Data" when you are clear.

Picard: But --

Worf: Time in!!!!

Troi: Captain, I sense great frustration.

Data: Three Point! One Four! One Five! Hike, hike!

Riker: (who was trying to block Worf): AIIIGGGHHHH!!! MY CHEST!! I THINK YOU BROKE A FEW RIBS!!

Worf: Only a few? I must be losing my touch.

[He goes and breaks the rest of them for good measure.]

Picard: (now in the clear) Here, Data!

Data: The Captain's commands outweigh Worf's. Hence, I will throw it to him.

[Data passes the ball to Picard who stands there dumbfounded. Wesley, who was trying to cover Picard intercepts and runs all the way back to his goal post and scores the winning touchdown for his team as the clock runs out.]

Worf: Sir, request permission to kill the ensign.

Picard: (Without hesitation) Granted.

[Worf draws a phaser and shoots Wesley who glows bright red and disappears in the tradition of TOS]

[Back on the bridge... ]

Picard: Now, Mr. Data, if you will get us out of here. Warp Three. Well, Number One, what did you think of our treatment for Mr. Worf's problem?

Riker: (From inside body cast) I think it worked quite well, sir. There's no solution like removing the problem. I think the whole bridge will be better off now that *he's* gone.

Troi: Captain, I sense great satisfaction.

Picard: It's something we should have done back during "Encounter at Farpoint." Stupid brat.

[Suddenly, there is a flash of light and on the set appears... ]

Gene Roddenberry: Now you know how much I liked Wesley, Picard. You can't get rid of him *that* easily. (waves his hand)

Wesley: Wow! What a great football game, huh, Worf?

Troi: Captain, I sense great anger building...

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES...