Gulf War II: Day 5

FRENCH, U.S. RELATIONS IN LE TOILETTE
Chirac tells Bush: Give us back the Statue of Liberty
By Jocquo Le Grinne

(Grinn News Service) -- Tensions between France and the United States continued to deepen Saturday as U.S. officials heightened their restrictions on French terminology and France asked for the immediate return of the Statue of Liberty.

The latest actions reflect a widening rift between the two nations, begun when Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, ordered the word "french" dropped from menu items served to members of the U.S. House of Representatives March 11, because France would not back a U.S.-led war against Iraq.

At the time, French officials downplayed the significance of the change, noting that french fries come from Belgium.

But by March 19, French officials had changed their tune, and it wasn't "Frere Jacques."

"It has come to our attention that many English words are derived from the French language owing to the Norman conquest of 1044," a letter from French President "Blaque Jacques" Chirac stated. "Such use is expressly not authorized, and request is made forthwith for you to remove all French influences from American English, or we will be forced to seek legal action against you."

The letter also stressed the deep love France has for America, and expressed a desire that the two peoples continue to walk forward in harmony once America realizes its idiocy, stops being so arrogant, and removes its head from its posterior.

Chirac's letter triggered an avalanche as the American Kennel Club renamed the French poodle breed to the Liberty poodle — making it an even more annoying breed than before — and American pet stores began refusing to sell frogs.

Under the direction of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge, the FBI and CIA began investigating for suspicious activity some 10,000 Americans on Thursday who still play the French horn and prefer French bread to Italian and prefer French wine to German beer.

France retaliated by ordering its embassies to pretend not to know English when answering the phone or communicating with American officials. The reprisal ultimately was deemed ineffective as American dignitaries were unable to detect a change in policy.

Relations continued to deteriorate when House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said if it hadn't been for the United States, France would be a part of Germany. France responded by ceding its sovereignty to Germany and asking the German military to resume the occupation it ended when driven out by Allied forces near the end of World War II.

By Friday, relations between the two nations were at their lowest since a first-season "Simpsons" episode in 1990 sent Bart Simpson to France and revealed the secret role antifreeze plays in French winemaking.

Chirac's request that the United States return the Statue of Liberty, given by the French in 1884, came late Saturday, after President Bush accused the French textile industry of supplying Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein with a steady supply of berets during the past 12 years, despite an official trade embargo with Iraq.

"If they want the Statue of Liberty, I say we should make them take back the entire Louisiana Territory and all the Democrats who live there," DeLay retorted during discussion on the House floor. "And we want a refund, with interest."

Chirac agreed to take title to states in the former Louisiana territory at France's first convenience, but insisted his nation would pay no money for the land until it was restored to its pre-American state.

"It was bought from the Emperor Napoleon under duress anyway," Chirac said.

In a strongly worded resolution, the United Nations warned France and the United States to start behaving nicely or risk another strongly worded resolution.