saddam quits

SADDAM HUSSEIN STEPS DOWN
DEPOSED LEADER: 'New horizons beckon, and I must go'

Saddam Hussien, responding to an ultimatum issued by U.S. President George W. Bush to flee Iraq in two days or suffer the fury of American military, nonchalantly stepped down on Tuesday morning.

"I've had a great run, accomplished a lot, but now it's time to move on with my life," the Iraqi leader told the few remaining Western journalists in a speech delivered from his new RV. "Everyone dreams about being a powerful despot in one of the most volatile regions of the
world, but few get an opportunity to live the dream. I am one of those fortunate few."

Saddam credits his five wives, both living and dead, for giving him the courage and compassion to go on, even when he felt misunderstood or betrayed by U.N. inspectors.

"Still, I think I made a real difference for my country," he said. "Good night, and God bless the USA!"

Saddam already has made some plans for the future, which he plans to fulfill once he gets past border guards inspecting the bunk beds in his mobile home for weapons of mass destruction.

He recently appeared in an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith show, where she wanted to do a scientific study on sand, and network executives are considering him to be a potential mate on an upcoming season of The Bachelor, where 25 women vie for one man's hand in a casual dating relationship not likely to outlast the season, let alone actual engagement or marriage.

Saddam has expressed disappointment in not making the cut for "American Idol," after being told by one of the judges that he has a powerful stage presence but his singing was a bigger bomb than a Scud-2 missile. Simon Cowell, a BMG record executive, disappeared two weeks ago while walking to his car in the parking deck behind the building where "American Idol" is taped. Too many suspects exist, however, to trace the disappearance to the Iraq regime.

"Sometimes life throws you a few kinks," said Saddam, as the eyes of his hired goons misted up around him. "But there's power to positive thinking, and you just can't afford to give up. After all, I'm just a nobody who's managed to waste a lot of time of the most powerful nation in the world!

"It reminds me of the words of that immortal song by Mike Post:

"Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself;
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
Should've been somebody else!

"Take that, Simon, you dirty rotten scoundrel."

If his current television plans don't work out, Saddam plans to open an Italian ice store or, if that fails, take up professional landscaping. His son Uday reportedly feels cheated by his father's decision to head in a solo direction when he was hoping to market a new book of
inspirational material, "Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul" and "Chicken Soup for the Petty Despot's Soul."

"Just kidding, Patty," a spokesman for Uday Hussein said. "Chicken Soup for the Soul is a copyright of Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises, and we would never dream of infringing upon it."