sex and the single Chrfistian

Although we didn't go this route, we both know several couples who established for themselves a ground rule of "No physical affection at all, beyond holding hands, until marriage." Not even kissing.

The basis for this policy, at it was explained to me, lies in Paul's injunction for unmarried men to treat all older women as their mothers and all women of the same age as their sisters. It's tempting to laugh and call people prudes for practicing such standards, but I rather imagine they rarely got into the hot-and-heavy situations many other unwed Christian couples find themselves in when they don't observe such rules.

In truth, the church really has failed to provide much guidance in this area. Premarital sex, obviously, is proscribed for unmarried couples. But what about the other degrees -- not to put too blunt a point on it -- oral sex, heavy petting, necking and kissing? One major ministry some time ago attempted to delineate what forms of affection were appropriate for nonmarried couples, and what forms weren't -- I think they rated stroking someone's hair as more sensual than kissing -- but, unfortunately for their case, they provided no biblical basis for any of it.

There's also the adage that if a form of affection leads you into temptation to engage in premarital sex, you've gone too far. The problem is that it's very hard to retreat from a place you've already reached.

The standard advice for nonmarried couples seems good: Do multiple dates, meet at public places, and take the physical side of the relationship slowly.

My wife and I dated for 18 months before I asked her to marry me, and waited another 18 months before we tied the knot. That gave us plenty of time to focus on other aspects of our relationship and to run afoul of each other's shortcomings.