broken hearts

Somebody once asked me what advice I would give them about foster parenting, and I gave them a piece that they didn't expect, but I still stand by: Don't do it. It'll only break your heart. Of course, if you still feel this way in a week, talk to me some more.

There are two ways to be a parent to somebody else's child. The first, which is what a state worker actually told me to do, is to maintain your emotional distance. Take care of the child's physical needs and accept responsibility for their basic welfare, but don't get attached to them.

The second -- and in my opinion the only way to do it properly -- is to commit yourself wholeheartedly to the child. You rejoice in every triumph, kiss every boo-boo, and give your heart to them completely.

At this point it should be obvious why I say it's going to break your heart.

When you take a foster child into your home, you're taking care of somebody else's child for an indeterminate period, but that period is assumed to have an endpoint somewhere in the indeterminate future. Once foster kids return to their birth parents, they usually never see their foster parents again, at least not for a long time.

My wife and I are taking care of a 2-year-old with severe developmental delays and emotional needs resulting from the neglect he suffered. I've taught this child how to walk. I've taught him every word he knows, how to pull his shirt on, how to eat with a fork and a spoon, and I've taught him how to play. I've also watched each of these skills come apart to one extent or another after the state gave its OK to unsupervised visits between my son and his parents.

Because we're in Iowa's kinship care program, we have some (limited) contact with our son's biological parents. I've seen how little progress they've made at becoming better parents. I've seen how little the state cares about that, as long as his parents attend all the classes and therapy sessions. And I've also seen how jealous they are of the bond their son has formed with me.

When he goes back to his birth parents -- and I expect that will happen soon -- I doubt I'll ever see him again. Even if I do, it's going to be awkward and difficult for all of us because of the confused relationship roles Isaac will sense.