one-liners

"My great-grandmother was a strong woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were only napping."

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" -Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Well, duh." -Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my goodness. I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." -Author Unknown

Advice for the day If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

Tombstone, Ariz., has some great epitaphs, like:
"Here lies Lester Moore
Took three slugs from a .44
No Les, no moore."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you do critize him you are a mile away and you have his shoes."