Orpheus and Eurydice

It's no secret that I love Greek myth. One of my favorite myths, though, is the story of the unfortunate Orpheus and Eurydice.

Although Orpheus appears in older Greek words, the familiar story of his journey into the underworld to rescue his wife, Eurydice, comes to us from the Roman poet Virgil. As the story goes, Eurydice is bitten by a venomous snake on her wedding day; and Orpheus, unable to accept his bride's death, descends into the Underworld and asks Hades and Persephone to let Eurydice return to the land of the living with him.

Persuaded by the power of his music -- which was strong enough that it eased the suffering of the damned and even caused the Furies to weep -- Hades agreed to let Eurydice return to the surface world with Orpheus on one condition. Orpheus had to walk straight out and not look back the entire time. Eurydice, he told Orpheus, would follow him like a shadow.

Orpheus walked for hours in silence, hearing no evidence that Eurydice was following, and wondering if Hades had lied to him. At last he reached the entrance to the surface world, convinced he had been lied to, and he looked back -- just in time to see Eurydice's shade disappear back into the Underworld. Orpheus later dies when he refuses to join the Bacchante in their orgies and they rip him to pieces.

It is a tremendous tale, one I've loved ever since I read it in "D'Aulaires Book of Greek Myths." I've recognized subtle nods to it in other works I've read, and as is true of other retold stories, I've enjoyed seeing the story revisited by later authors.

One such retelling came in a Sandman comic for DC Comics, later collected in the trade paperback "Fables and Reflections." There Orpheus' father is Morpheus, Dream of the Endless, rather than Apollo; and his mother is Calliope, the muse of poetry.

Despite these slight modifications to fit Neil Gaiman's ensemble of characters, his and Eurydice's story is essentially the same as in Virgil's tale. The chief exception is that his head survives being ripped from his body. Morpheus sets his son up with caretakers who become de facto priests to the Orpheic mysteries that spring up around him and he plays a significant part in one issue set during the French Revolution, and starring Johanna Constantine; and in the collection "Brief Lives."

My personal favorite retelling of the story is "Sir Orfeo," one of three poems written by an anonymous poet of the 13th or 14th century, in a dialect of Middle English spoken north of London and away from the court where Geoffrey Chaucer wrote his tales about rhyming pilgrims. The two other poems are "Pearl" and "Gawain and the Green Knight." They are written on the same scroll, of which just one copy has survived to the present day.

The forgotten author of "Sir Orfeo" creates a Christian allegory by mixing the Greek mythology of Orpheus and Eurydice with Celtic mythology and legends of fairies to give us what is also a rollicking good fairy tale.

In this story, Sir Orfeo is both balladeer and king. His wife is Heurodis, and the elf-king has taken a fancy to her. When Orfeo's best efforts to protect Heurodis fail and the elf-king steals her away, Orfeo goes mad with grief. He leaves his kingdom in the hands of his steward and wanders off into the forest to mourn his lost wife.

After 10 years, the grieving Orfeo wanders into the elf-king's camp. He sings so movingly of his loss that the elf-king returns Heurodis. Reunited with his queen, Orfeo regains his wits and they return to his kingdom, where he retains his disguise as a wandering minstrel in order to test the character of his steward.

The steward honors the minstrel for the memory of his departed king, and Orfeo reveals himself. He is restored to his former glory, Heurodis at his side, and makes the steward his heir. Like I said, despite its allegorical nature -- Orfeo for Christ, Heurodis for the church -- it's a neat version of the story.

father's day for foster dads

I have three reasons to celebrate Father's Day this year. The first is 2½ years old and has been calling me "Daddy" for over 18 months. The second reason is due Nov. 5, and probably won't call me anything for a while. The third reason is a little boy who is not my son, but to be honest, I couldn't love him any more than if he were.

Let me tell you about Isaac. He arrived at our house in mid-January. As soon as he was put down, he ran across the floor full-tilt, waving his arms at eye level and excitedly screaming, "Eeee!"

In less than five minutes, he had fallen down so many times I lost track. He nearly pulled a potted plant off the window sill, and he tried to put more than a dozen things into his mouth, ranging from my daughter's toys to leaves from our aloe plant to a bone the dog had just been chewing.

That was my initiation to the world of foster parenting.

Over the next few days, other problems became evident. Even though he was 23 months old, Isaac could barely stand, let alone walk. When he did walk, he found cars more interesting to watch than where he was going, so he fell what seemed like five times a minute.

Also, Isaac rarely smiled. His preferred facial expression was an utterly blank one in which his mouth hung open and drool streamed out. When he became upset or frustrated, he would twist his face in anger. He seemed to possess no other expressions.

And while my daughter, Evangeline (a little more than three months older than Isaac) could speak in mostly comprehensible sentences, Isaac's vocabulary essentially was limited to two clearly recognizable words: "tickle-tickle-tickle" and "gootchie-gootchie-goo."

Our situation is hardly unique. There are 4,775 foster homes in Iowa, with 193 located here in Mercer County. These foster parents provide homes to 128 children in the county, or to 6,679 children statewide. While two-thirds of foster children statewide are black, like Isaac, in Mercer County the figure jumps to 72 percent.

My wife and I decided to become foster parents when Isaac's mother, who had started attending our church a month earlier, had her children taken away for severe neglect and for failing to provide adequate supervision.

"For us to put a child in foster care, we can do it with the parents' voluntary consent, we can do it with a court order. Third, we can do an emergency removal and then go to court," said Joe Delmar, a spokesman for the state Division of Youth and Family Services, which runs Iowa's foster care program. "Usually, we'll be directly involved with the family for some time. There may be other issues."

When a child is in foster care for 45 days or longer, a child placement review board must look at the situation and determine whether the situation truly is in the child's best interests.
"There's a whole system of checks and balances," said Delmar.

DYFS subjects prospective foster parents to a thorough background check, including references, a criminal background check that covers the past five years, and a check for any records of child abuse.

"Once (the foster parents) complete all the background checks, they are required to go through a course," said Delmar.

The course includes 24 hours of training in foster parenting, with an additional 14 hours required every two years, to keep current. The instruction addresses issues that parents might encounter in foster parenting, such as children with emotional problems or with severe physical challenges or needs.

My wife and I bypassed this requirement by taking part in an alternate form of foster care signed into law in January. Under the kinship care program, relatives and family friends also may become foster parents at the request of the child's parents, provided they pass the necessary background checks.

"The rationale with kinship is it's important for a child to have some sense of continuity," said Mr. Delmar. "The kinship program was established to encourage relatives to step forward and raise a child, but the most important thing is maintaining continuity for the child."

Beyond that, differences between kinship care and regular foster care are largely pecuniary. My wife and I receive $250 a month from the state for taking care of Isaac, a sum we plan to invest for his education whether he remains with us or returns to his biological parents.

Under the regular foster care program, foster parents receive $412 a month for children up to 5 years old, $444 for children 6 to 9 years old, $464 for children 10 to 12 years old, and $516 a month for teenagers.

"The levels go higher if the child has special needs or is HIV-positive," said Delmar.
The state also provides Medicaid coverage for the children, regardless of the program they are placed through.

In past years, children could languish in foster care limbo for years, unable to be adopted by their foster families yet uncertain whether they would ever return to their parents.

In 1997, the federal government passed the Adoption and Safe Families Act, which limits the time children are allowed to remain in the system. Under the provisions of this act, if a child spends 15 out of the past 22 months in foster care, DYFS must file for a termination of parental rights and put the child up for adoption.

"A lot of our adoptions are foster parents adopting their foster children," said Delmar. "If the foster child becomes clear for adoption, they are given a chance to adopt the child."

In Isaac's case, this would mean he could be eligible for adoption by March 2003. My wife and I already have told DYFS that we would be willing to adopt him if we are allowed.

Still, even with 6,679 children in foster care in 2001, there were only 833 foster parent adoptions that year. This does not necessarily mean that the foster parents' involvement with their foster children is at an end, although it usually does.

"We have had some cases where, after a child has returned home, the parent reached out to the foster and continued to involve them," said Delmar. Such arrangements are solely private and are not monitored or arranged by the state.

For those children who do return to their biological parents' custody, a DYFS caseworker is supposed to check on the children periodically to ensure that their home situation is still satisfactory. If it is not, DYFS will reinvolve the courts and could ask for the children to be placed in foster care again.

"It's not uncommon — maybe a quarter of the time — that a child who's been in foster care needs to be taken back out," said Delmar.

Isaac has made considerable progress in the five months he has been with us. Because I usually take him to walk the dog with me at least once a day, he has reached the point where he rarely falls down, and when he does, it's usually deliberate or the result of inattention, rather than inability.

He has gone from expecting us to feed him to feeding himself with a fork and spoon. His vocabulary, while still limited, is growing steadily; it has already reached the point where he is stringing words together into two-word phrases.

And one of the most visible areas of improvement is obvious as soon as he smiles. Because he does smile a lot these days, and it's a smile often mixed with laughter. One thing he's not allowed to do, however, is to call me "daddy," not even on Father's Day, because that's a name that should be reserved for his biological father.

"The relationship would be similar to an aunt or an uncle's relationship, someone that the child can love or trust, but you don't want to step on the rights of the parents or guardians and cause any confusion to the child," said Delmar. "The balance is really maintained on the individual level."

For some foster parents, that means arrangements like respite care. When the foster parents are traveling or going on a family vacation, DYFS can arrange a temporary foster home for the child for as long as the foster family will be away.

Not everyone is comfortable with that. My wife and I aren't.

"Others want to open their heart a little more and push the boundary back," said Mr. Delmar. "It really depends on the comfort level of the foster parent."

As with most parents, our thoughts continually return to Isaac's future. Beyond the next few months, his future is uncertain.

This Father's Day will be a bittersweet one for me. As much as I love Isaac, he is not my son. The goal of foster parenting always is to take care of somebody else's child until they're ready to take the children back and care for them again. Only about one foster child in six is put up for adoption. The rest return to their biological parents.

It's entirely possible that on Aug. 15, the courts will decide that Isaac's biological parents are ready to regain custody, and he will be gone from our lives as suddenly as he came, leaving a hole in my heart the size of a child.

"It's difficult for our foster parents who have become close to their foster children," said Delmar. "We always try to remind them there is no guarantee of adoption. With foster care, it's understood that it's temporary and the main goal is the foster child's happiness."



Copyright © 2002 by David Learn. Used with permission.


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reluctant antichrist

It's such a tragedy isn't it? Here we have a man who doesn't desire greatness or infamy, who will cling on to his privacy and low position in society with all his might, but his destiny is too great to be resisted. Slowly, bit by bit, he is forced out into the limelight, and the mantle of world dictator is thrust upon him, followed by crowds shrieking their adulation and offering him their worship. And all the while, he shouts, "No! I don't want all this -- I just want to sing!"

temper, temper

What's the best way to handle a child's tantrum?

1. Begin playing tuba solos very loudly to drown out the noise
2. Use the crying for a new answering machine message
3. Psychoanalyze the child, focusing on his relationship with his mother
4. In a calm, quiet voice no one can hear, explain why tantrums are wrong
5. Record the tantrum as a sound wave and e-mail it to a friend

Actually, we have discovered with our foster son that one of the most effective ways to discipline him is to cover his eyes.

For the first two years of his life, Isaac's primary means of stimulation was visual, since no one ever talked to him or took an interest in his development. He hates it when we cover his eyes, so that's become one of our preferred discipline techniques: Behave, or we won't let you see for a minute or two.

nuremberg files

I'm sure most people who pay attention to the abortion debate are aware of the ongoing controversy surrounding the so-called Nuremberg Files web site.

This is an ostensibly pro-life site that targets doctors who perform abortions. The site lists the names of the doctors, along with personal information such as their license plate numbers, addresses, and so on. Some of the doctors appear in Old West "Wanted" posters, as though they were desperados and outlaws, and whenever one of the doctors dies, the site crosses them off.

Columnist John Leo has an interesting take on the issue as it pertains to free speech, and implied threats. That groups like Planned Parenthood perceive a threat from the site is at once both obvious and understandable. On the other hand, no threat against abortionists is stated directly and no one is urged on this web site to kill the abortionists designated with "wanted" posters.

"Poor taste" doesn't begin to describe this sort of tactic. Such web sites clearly are meant to intimidate the abortion providers in question. If those responsible for posting the site claim to be Christians, I'd have a hard time agreeing that they're representing the character of Christ through such tactics.

It's going to be interesting to see how the Supreme Court handles it. My first inclination is to support free speech/free press, even in cases where that freedom is being abused, but no matter how the court rules, this case is going to have some far-reaching aftershocks.

new bible translation

But yesterday's NIV was just fine. Why do we need Today's NIV?

It actually reminds me a lot of the debate over the KJV Bible. I think a lot of this is simply objection over the language flow rather than objection over the doctrines, though that makes a good smokescreen. Just ask the KJV-only crowd.

I'm not a Greek scholar, so this has to be viewed as the offhand perspective of a scantly informed layman:

The English language has changed in the past thirty years; a fair amount of that has been driven by the desire to eliminate sexist language (political correctness), but the change has happened nonetheless. It used to be that the word his was an accepted gender-neutral possessive pronoun for people; i.e., "Everyone should study his Bible" was not viewed as sexist since his was understood to include men and women.

That is no longer the case, because we have been conditioned as a society to look at his as masculine only, and to say his or her or their when we want to be gender-inclusive.

In this light, a Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic text that uses the masculine form of a noun or pronoun (or the equivalent in the appropriate lexicon) as the generic form as well would not be accurately translated with a masculine English word.

Let's say the Greek word for men is used in a gospel to describe the number of people listening to Jesus preach. It's reasonable to assume there were women present as well; by that reasoning, it's a better translation into contemporary English to say 5,000 people than 5,000 men.

This is a fairly consistent trend at least. Like the New International Version, the Revised Standard Version was updated a few years ago, to reflect the evolution of the English language.

Many evangelical groups mislike the translation because of its "liberal" bent. The translation reflects an academic or scholarly bent rather than a faith one, with the result that many O.T. passages that in the original languages reasonably could be interpreted as prophecy do not pass that muster in translation. Isaiah's famous prophecy, "The virgin shall bear a son" is rendered "The young maiden shall bear a son," for instance.

Again, I'm not a Bible scholar and the only Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic I know are fairly basic words familiar to many English speakers, so I'm probably not doing the arguments credit.

Perhaps when I take over the world, I can make koine Greek, Aramaic and classic Hebrew required languages alongside English, so we can eliminate the need for translation anyway. (I have to admit, gaining even a modicum of insight into the translation process has made me understand a lot better why devout Muslims don't consider a translation of the Quran to be adequate for study or understanding.)

Honestly, any time you're dealing with a translated work, if you don't know the original language, it's best to have multiple translations in order to get the best sense of the original. That's why I have copies of the NIV, RSV, KJV and some Catholic Bible I don't remember the name of (which is so badly done that I chiefly value it for the Apocrypha)*. I used to have a copy of the NKJV but haven't seen it for ages, although Natasha has an NRSV and we also have a Haitian Creole Bible and a French Bible. Not that I read much French anymore.

*We're talking about a really bad translation here. Rather than converting cubits to standard, for instance, the "translators" substitutef the standard measurement for the ancient one, with the result that Goliath is about seven feet tall....

Have me stuffed and mounted when I pass on

When I die, I'd like to be stuffed and mounted by a taxidermist. Perhaps they could even set me up so that whenever someone shakes my hand, candy comes out of my mouth.

All kidding aside, I do want to have all my viable organs removed and given to people in need. I hesitate to go for cremation, though. Why? Because my Grandmother Ergood was cremated when I was 20, and it's a little hard to get that closure when you're dealing with a box of cremains and not seeing the person's body.

One of the more interesting means of burial I've read about is what they call "air burial." The Motilone Indians in Colombia leave their dead spread out in a tree house for the birds to come and carry the deceased off to heaven. Maybe we could try that.

On second thought, definitely go with the taxidermist.

ender's game

Warner Brothers has made a deal to bring Orson Scott Card's prize-winning series of science-fiction bestsellers "Ender's Game" and "Ender's Shadow" to the bigscreen, according to CNN.

I haven't read the original short story, but as I recall, I found the novels pretty dull. The only bit that I did find interesting was Card's two variations on the story of the woman caught in adultery. (Not sure, but I think that was in "Speaker for the Dead.") It was interesting enough I used it in staff devotions at school, though I can't say the other teachers found it as thought-provoking as I did.

one-liners

"My great-grandmother was a strong woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were only napping."

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" -Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Well, duh." -Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my goodness. I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." -Author Unknown

Advice for the day If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

Tombstone, Ariz., has some great epitaphs, like:
"Here lies Lester Moore
Took three slugs from a .44
No Les, no moore."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you do critize him you are a mile away and you have his shoes."

civil servants

When I rule the world, I'm going to require that public servants actually try to be helpful and courteous when they deal with the public. In fact, I'll give them extra points for being brave, clean and reverent.

When a person who has lost his job tries to claim unemployment benefits, he will be treated at a minimum like he is a number, rather than the standard "nuisance" treatment now afforded. People who are down on their luck will not be treated like they are taking advantage of the system and frowned upon, and even those who are trying to take advantage of the system will still be treated with a modicum of respect: a pleasant smile, a firm handshake, an informal and friendly tone rather than a harsh or judgmental one.

Public employees who cannot perform at these basic levels of civility -- the New Jersey DMV, toll booth workers, and N.J. Family Care representatives, to name a few of the more lost causes -- will be deported to Toledo, Ohio, or Bedford, Pa., where they should fit right in or at least be out of the way.

father's day, down to earth

This Father's Day, I just know I'm going to get that e-mail.

You know the one I mean. It's the inspirational story about a father who found himself surrounded by nine children when his wife died. Over the next 20 years, this poor widower started up his own business to avoid leaving his children with someone else, kept his family together, and single-handedly raised them all into fine, upstanding citizens, and then quietly passed away after his last child was on her own.

It's a good story, I suppose, and for some people it captures the spirit of Father's Day in a Horatio Alger sort of way: the Super-Dad, who towers above the crowd, acting as a moral and spiritual compass to his children and making lesser fathers feel ashamed of their failings.

Well, if people want to find inspiration in that sort of father, let them. I don't do much traffic with larger-than-life icons, to be honest, which is why I'm going to spend my Father's Day thinking of the man in the white jacket and the tousle cap.

That man, of course, is my own father, all six feet of him. I think of him as wearing those clothes because those, to me, represent what being a father is all about. Those are the clothes he used to wear when we walked the dog together at night.

We talked about a lot of things during those walks. What we talked about doesn't matter as much as the fact that we did talk. In a time when "making memories" was the rage for raising children amid the hustle and bustle of high-power careers and success, my father set a standard no trip to the Grand Canyon or the Statue of Liberty ever could equal, just by spending time with his children.

Like many other men, my father had trouble relating to his children, but that never stopped him from trying. When we went on camping trips, my father always went along, even though he hated camping. And when we got involved in an activity — soccer, Scouting, even our newspaper routes — my father was always as involved as we were.

Most fathers' stories aren't as spectacular as the one in the mass-forwarded e-mail I've seen too many times, but their efforts are no less important to the children they raised. This Father's Day, I'm going to call the man with the white jacket and the tousle hat, and I'm going to tell him how much I love him.

And then I'm going to get my own son, and we're going to walk the dog.

money-making idea

I think I'm going to copyright the letter E and charge people for the right to use it.

Plus, I'll be able to use my newfound influence on Sesame Street to limit the appearances of Elmo.

Wedding bloopers to avoid

It's been a few years since my wedding, but some of the mishaps still spring to memory today, and I find them amusing perhaps in a way I was unable to appreciate at the time. Some of them even made it into a Brothers Grinn mailing about wedding portents of ill omen:

For starters:

1. My wife tripped on her way up to the altar.

2. My parents were 40 minutes late for the wedding, and they had the rings.

3. We forgot to go outside for the rice-throwing until after our pictures were taken.

4. The DJ at the reception forgot to announce everyone who was in the wedding party with the result that my brother-in-law was skipped.

5. We failed to include all the lyrics for one of the worship songs in the bulletin.

6. We arrived late to our reception because the photos took longer than expected (even though we made a valiant effort to have them taken before the ceremony). When we arrived, our guests had eaten all the appetizers, and when we were notified that the food was ready, we completely forgot about proper protocol.

7. Without making any announcements about lunch being ready, without telling people the order they should go in, the entire wedding party went up and got lunch. Three bites into lunch, I realized we had forgotten to have Mark -- the minister of the church we attended -- say grace.

I walked over to his table and before I could say a word, he told me, "Don't sweat it. You're not the first person to forget grace on his wedding day."n

'Attack of the Clones': no thanks

I won't be at the theater Thursday night.

Although I do plan at some point to see "Attack of the Clones," I'm in no particular hurry to see George Lucas disgrace the Star Wars franchise this time around. Besides, I just saw "Spider-Man" with an 8-year-old friend of mine, and have pretty much exhausted my quota of time I can spare for movies with two 2-year-olds in the house.

I probably won't see "Attack of the Clones" until it's out on video.

job search

I'd like a job that pays about $40K a year, or more. It needs to involve some mixture of writing and editing, or I'll go insane. It doesn't have to be for a Christian ministry -- I actually haven't done that since I was a missionary, and see working in the "secular" world as advantageous in many ways -- and there is no way under God's blue heaven I can see myself working for Benny "Little Jehovah" Hinn or another of his ilk, given various biblical injunctions about having nothing to do with such men.

A lot of flexibility otherwise. Big Idea's H.R. department called my resume "impressive," but immediately followed up that word with the conjunction "unfortunately" and the independent clause "we have no jobs that match someone with your interests and skills," even though I had applied for a position that did match those skills and was posted on their web site.

But I'm not bitter. (The fiends.)

As for technical writing, I've done some on a free-lance basis. While I won't say it's the best way to spend an evening (or even an afternoon), it beats the pants off seeing my kids go hungry. I would do it if I could get a job doing it.

thunder wipies?

Late Sunday afternoon we were getting ready to take Natasha out for Mother's Day dinner, when Evangeline decided to entertain us by dancing to one of her favorite children's songs, which she also performed for us:

Ring arounda rosies
Pocks fulla posies
Wa-shes, wa-shes
All fall down!

Cowsy meadows
Buttie cups!
Thunder wipies,
All stand up!

Thunder wipies?

'the hulk'

There's a "Hulk" movie coming out next summer.

I liked "The Hulk" TV show at the time, though I'd have to agree it wasn't exactly faithful to the character as created by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee. There were a number of cosmetic changes -- David instead of Bruce, a research physicist instead of a scientist working on nuclear weaponry for the military -- but the biggest flop has to be making Banner the main character instead of the Hulk. That transformed the story from an adventure story into a late-20th-century morality play on the topic of the week, with a dose of "The Fugitive" thrown in.

Still, the show did affect the comic in at least one way. During Peter David's 11-year stint on the comic, he explained the Hulk's invulnerability. He isn't really invulnerable; it's just that he regenerates his body tissues exceedingly fast, particularly when he's angry -- which of course is why the Hulk also gets stronger the madder he is. That was something David Banner discovered in one of the episodes where he actually married the woman guest star of the week before she died.

'the hulk'

I liked "The Hulk" at the time, though it wasn't exactly faithful to the character as created by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee. There were a number of cosmetic changes -- David instead of Bruce, a research physicist instead of a scientist working on nuclear weaponry for the military -- but the biggest flop has to be making Banner the main character instead of the Hulk. That transformed the story from an adventure story into a late-20th-century morality play on the topic of the week, with a dose of "The Fugitive" thrown in.

Still, the show did affect the comic in at least one way. During Peter David's 11-year stint on the comic, he explained the Hulk's invulnerability. He isn't really invulnerable; it's just that he regenerates his body tissues exceedingly fast, particularly when he's angry -- which of course is why the Hulk also gets stronger the madder he is. That was something David Banner discovered in one of the episodes where he actually married the woman guest star of the week before she died.

superhero movies

I read a decent article in the Star-Ledger two Sundays ago about how movie studios finally are wising up on how to adapt comic books to the big screen. Most superhero movies either have played up the action to the exclusion of intelligence (like "Judge Dredd" or "Blade") or have played up the campiness, like the Superman movies or the third and fourth Batman movies.

"X-men," despite its flaws, actually treated the subject seriously. Bryan Singer played into the notion of superhero qua outcast because of their differences, and tied it into the fear many teens have of being different. Haven't seen "Spider-man" yet, but I'm told it does the same thing. They also eliminated some of the comicbookish stuff like the silly costumes, and replaced them with more realistic outfits, ones you actually could picture people going outside in.

It was an interesting take on the movies, though I'd have to differ with the article's contention on one point: I don't think "X-men" was the first movie to do it properly. "Unbreakable" did a much better job.

jar jar must die

You know you hated him. I know I did. In fact, aside from some kids I know who like anything they see, I'm hard-pressed to think of anyone who liked Jar Jar Binks. (Besides George Lucas.)

So let's just say, for the sake of argument, that in "Star Wars: Episode 3," Darth Lucas gives in to mounting pressure and kills Jar Jar off. How do you think it should be done?

My personal preference? Picture an opening scene to the movie in which there is a gathering of various people from the first two movies, with the standard throw-ins from the original trilogy, all assembled in the foreground. They're talking about something serious, relevant to the plot of the movie. In the background, Jar Jar is eating a piece of fruit the size of an apple. It gets caught in his throat. No one notices. He starts to choke. Everyone else starts to file out of the room to the next scene change, while, still unseen and still in the background, Jar Jar collapses and dies.

I love it when a plan comes together.

problems in a faraway galaxy long ago

Watch "A New Hope" some time and you may notice a few interesting things about the characters and the way they interact, that just don't make sense.

For starters, when they're on Yavin IV and the rebels are getting ready to go up against the Death Star, Luke begs Han to stay and help them in the fight. His exact words are "They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them." Yet all we've seen Han do so far is to walk around the ship, man the gun turrets against some TIE fighters, and get caught in a tractor beam. How does Luke get the idea that Han is a good pilot, and why doesn't he ask Chewbacca to help, since he presumably was flying the Millenium Falcon while they escaped from the Death Star.

I've tried to rationalize this a couple ways. Bear with me:

1. Luke is a starstruck farm boy, and easily impressed by Han's swagger. Luke has never been off Tatooine at this point. He's never even heard of the Force before, and what he knows of Obiwan Kenobi is that he's something of a mad hermit, yet he still gets impressed by Obiwan pretty quickly and decides to rush off into outer space with him. He's blown away by the thought that C3PO and R2D2 have been with the rebellion, and is smitten immediately with Princess Leia.

His assessment of the Falcon and his initial reaction to Han could easily spring from insecurity; i.e., here's a guy who made the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, a guy who's been to more planets than Luke has brain cells, what can I say that can compare with that? So he gets aggressive and tries to show how much he knows.

It turns out that Luke is a good pilot, but I'd suggest that he has little basis for that claim since all he's flown has been his landspeeder and perhaps some other sort of hovercraft. If the Force -- and Han Solo -- weren't with him, Luke would have been toast.

The movie also suggests that wookies are not especially well known in the empire -- Han has to tell Threepio about their reputation for ripping people's arms out of their sockets when they get mad -- so it could be a case of xenophobia or mere unfamiliarity with wookies that leads to the slight. Or Luke might just be racist.

And let's not forget the possibility that Luke has yogurt for brains. He certainly didn't demonstrate much mental prowess in the movies that I can think of. It was probably all he could do stop from drooling onto his lightsaber.

2. We really don't see the entire flight in either direction. It's possible that Han did a fair amount of flying then as well; in any event, he did get them away from Tatooine, didn't he?

Another interesting question: After the Battle of the Death Star, Han, Luke and Chewie all come forward in some sort of award ceremony at the rebel base on Yavin IV. Han and Luke get medals, while Chewie just stands around and makes growling noises. What's up with that?

I think in one of the adaptations -- it might have been the Marvel Comics adaptation, or the novel -- there is a note made to the effect that Chewbacca was too tall for Leia to put a medal around his neck, and that his medal was awarded separately. But surely it wouldn't have been hard to hand him the medal, wouldn't it?

One also could assume that wookies don't like medals or other outward adornments for religious, social or hygiene reasons. (Most of the other species wear clothes, but even on Hoth, Chewbacca walks around naked. It's just a good thing for the ratings that certain things don't show through that fur.)

It's also impossible that wookies aren't regarded as intelligent creatures. No idea what the basis for this would be, but they simply could be advanced animals or something similar. There's a lot we don't know about Lucas' Galactic Empire for the simple reason that he's never thought it out that fully.

It could be that wookies are discriminated against, and the dialogue on its own does suggest that.
But the possibility also has occurred to me that there could be some sort of institutionalized prejudice against wookies as well. Are they regarded as less advanced than the humans in the empire? Are they less evolved? Chewie seems to be a decent pilot, marksman and mechanic, so I'm not sure about that, but it's an intriguing line of reasoning that probably never occurred to the Emperor when he first drew up the series. (In fact it probably still hasn't. Lucas' main gift is his timing, not his storytelling or artistic vision.)

Also, have you noticed that Chewbacca never gets subtitles for his lines? I guess it's for dramatic purposes. You usually can get the sense of what Chewbacca and Artoo are saying by the reactions and comments of the others around them. But since Greedo and Jabba are actively threatening the heroes, it's important we understand what they're saying faster than reacting to context allows us.

What I found rather amusing when my wife and I watched the Star Wars trilogy last year is that the subtitles aren't really necessary. Greedo and Jabba are speaking English, the same as the human characters, but with accents or something done to alter their speech, like sounds omitted.

I'm serious! Listen closely to the characters as you read the subtitles, and you'll notice the words match. There are consonants missing or something was done to the voice, but the speech recognizably matches the subtitles. I noticed the same thing years ago watching the Sean Connery movie "Medicine Man." At least on the old "War of the Worlds" series, they reversed the audio so it sounded utterly alien. (Or at least like backmasking.)

spiritual awakening

I was almost 18 at the time, the summer between high school graduation and the start of college. At the time, I would say I was pretty much an atheist. As has been said before, "He who has been forgiven much loves much."

My church -- my parents' church, actually, affiliated with the Presbyterian Church (USA) was running its annual trip to Alaska to teach vacation Bible school. I'm not really sure why I signed up for the trip since, like I said, I wasn't that convinced of God's existence/relevance. I suppose you could say that I wanted to believe, but I hadn't found any reason to. Something like that, anyway. I certainly wouldn't say I was actively seeking anything at the time.

Since it was a church trip, I figured I should do something to "fit in" with the other teens who were going, and so I picked up a copy of Stryper's album "To Hell with the Devil." It was loud, it was metal, and it was decent music to listen to. I later would discover that of the 18 teens on the trip, only two were what you would consider evangelical or born-again Christians. Most of the others just wanted the vacation to Alaska and a few were openly skeptical/hostile to the faith.

One of the pastors even corrected me after I committed myself to God for saying that you need Jesus to get into heaven. (Shocking to some, I suppose, but the PCUSA isn't widely known for its orthodoxy. One of the church's publications made the claim some time ago that worshipping a male savior is detrimental to a woman's spiritual growth. But I digress.)

Anyway, this was mid-July 1988. I don't know the exact date, because we were at a camp in eastern Pennsylvania for the training period, which ran a week before we actually made the trip up to Alaska. It was late at night in the cabin, I was going to sleep listening to the tape on my Walkman.

It's been so many years I don't remember the order of the album, but I do remember a few of the highlights. One was the song "Honestly," which functions on two levels -- as an expression of love between a couple, but also as an expression of the unconditional love God feels for individuals. The other was the song "Free," which is probably the closest they came to an altar call in their music. I don't remember the lyrics, but it essentially puts you with the choice: Follow Christ, or don't, but make the choice because you can.

And so there, on the floor of the cabin by my bunk, alone with God and my tears, I made the choice to follow. That was nearly 14 years ago, and I've stuck by that decision as I've followed Christ through college, to the missions field, through poverty and comfort, and through a few different churches and jobs.

I know a lot of people dissed Stryper because they didn't have the nice "proper" image the church expects Christians to have, but I say nonsense. They're accountable to God for how they present themselves, and I've gotta say that even though they looked pretty silly, I probably wouldn't have given them a chance if they looked "proper" like all the IBM Christians in a Jack Chick tract or the Big Hair people, or the other powerful- and proper-looking people on Christian TV. Christianity's a religion for losers and outcasts after all, not for the wealthy and in crowd. But I digress again.

I don't listen to Stryper any more, but that's not because I've had an epiphany that heavy metal and Christianity don't mix or that Christian rock is of the Devil, as some people believe. My tastes have just mellowed as I've aged, and I listen more to artists like Mike Card, Keith Green, John Michael Talbot and Steve Taylor. (Plus Jimmy Buffet.)

Similarly, my faith has changed as I've matured. I no longer bill myself as an evangelical, although my doctrine corresponds on all the essential points. As I've grown in understanding of Scripture, I've become more concerned with how the church reacts to the disenfranchised and how we seek power and influence. I prefer just to say that I'm a Christian, but if you absolutely must put a label on me, say that I subscribe to liberation theology.* (Or "Danger! Radioactive material." That would get more interesting responses at parties anyway.)

* As with any other movement, "liberation theology" involves a broad spectrum of attitudes and personalities. At its extreme, yes, there are louts who advocate violent overthrow of governments. My take on it is a bit more moderate than that -- I believe that the gospel has a special relevance to the poor and disenfranchised and that following Christ involves actively helping those people by being involved with them.

Eason is Benched

Nothing dies on the Internet. As proof I offer this Star Trek parody, written by yours truly my sophomore year of college. (That would have been in 1989-90.) There have been times I've done ego searches for things I wrote and posted to the Usenet, but I never was able to find this one. Until yesterday. It's not very funny, admittedly, but I wrote it on a lark after someone posted a football message on rec.arts.startrek.

"Eason is benched"

Lt. Worf stomps up and down the Enterprise corridors, very angrily while Wesley follows him all over the place, acting like an annoying brat.

Wesley: Gee, Worf, it's almost my bedtime, how about that? When I was really little Mom used to read me bedtime stories. She used to read me stuff like Trigonometry for Three Year-Olds and Quantum Physics Made Simple. My favorite one was written by Captain Scott, on warp drive and how it could be improved, like the new quadratic drive on the Enterprise.

Worf: (hitting communicator) Security to Holodeck 5. Hostile enemy detected inside, executing program #1-800-555-2929, "Cabbage Patch Kids Record Collection."

Wesley: (still talking) He said there might be some potential in trilithium crystals, provided we adjusted the flow through the osculatory valve by about 5 Ramazidians, and...

Security arrives. There is a massive shoot-out in Holodeck 5 in which little pieces of cabbage go flying everywhere, even out into the corridor where they dissolve in little sparkles of light. At last the dangerous pre-schooler is apprehended and escorted by security to the brig. Worf emerges from the holodeck.

Wesley: (still talking)... which I think is complete nonsense, since everyone knows abstract pigs don't secrete mathematical cows. But anyhow, Worf, what sort of bedtime stories do Klingons read their children?

Worf: Klingons do not read bedtime stories.

Wesley: But you must do something to relax your children at bedtime.

Worf: (Nods.) Klingon parents dip their children in boiling oil before they put them to bed.

Wesley: (He is shocked.) Boiling oil? Oh my gosh! Why?

Worf: It relaxes the nerves, and helps the children to sleep more easily.

Wesley: Boy, Worf, life on the Enterprise must sure seem dull to you with Klingons used to all that.

Worf: I'd prefer the oil.

-----------------------------------------------------------
[scene shifts to show the Earth orbiting the sun, and we hear Picard's voice begin to speak those well-known words...]

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier...

Wait a second. That's the wrong season's opener. You're supposed to show a galaxy.

[scene changes to a galaxy toward which we begin rushing alongside Haley's comet, which was blown way off course by the US military in 2063, when they thought it was an incoming Soviet missile.]

[Picard's voice begins again.]

As I was saying, The Final Frontier...

These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, her ongoing mission, to seek out new -- hey what happened to Saturn? That's not my starship!

[scene now shows the old Enterprise, NCC-1701 in orbit around one of those orange planets TOS was so noted for having an abundance of.]

[Kirk's voice now kicks in.]

Kirk: To seek out new life, and new civilizations...

Picard: Hey, what are you doing here? This is my show! Get out of here, you relic!

Kirk: Relic? Who are you calling a relic? You're a lot older than me, buddy!

Spock: (Observing as the two captains argue, one eyebrow raised. Then, noting that the credits are beginning, speaks.) To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Pulaski: Hey, that's sexist! It should be, "Where no *one* has gone before!"

[The argument continues as the opening credits roll. Over the ST:TNG music we can distinctly hear shouts of "Upstart!", "Baldie!", "Antique", and a few rounds of phaser fire. The credits at last end, and we see the TNG Enterprise warp off into space.]

============================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Advertisements for reruns from TNG's first two seasons.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is playing tonight.
If you use Crest toothpaste, your teeth will look nice.
============================================================

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 3456.789: Hmmm... I wonder what the chances are of that happening -- never mind, Data.

Wesley: (to Riker) ... and you should have seen him, Commander Riker, he was incredible! I thought for sure Worf had had it when that intruder threw "There Was an Old Lady who Swallowed a Smurf" at him!

Riker: That reminds me, where is Worf? We was due up here fifteen minutes ago.

Data: Unknown at this time.

[Worf stalks in, very mad. When Wesley says hello, he growls back, stomps up to his duty station, and pounds his fists onto the control console. A dozen photon torpedoes are fired and travel on into space where they will eventually meet a large gathering of B'nga'Low Attack vessels about to invade the Federation, and obliterate them. However, this is in the distant future, and does not concern us.]

Troi: Captain, I sense great anger.

Picard: (very concerned) Where is it coming from, Counselor?

Troi: I am not sure, Captain, but it seems to be coming from this bridge.

[Everyone is staring intently at Troi, and only Wesley notices a blinking light on his control panel.]

Wesley: Captain Picard, there's something you should know...

Picard: Quiet, Wesley. Troi is trying to isolate the source of this anger.

Wesley: But Captain, I...

Riker: Wesley, be quiet. Wait until the captain gives you permission to speak. A good officer always obeys his captain's orders.

Wesley: But... but...

Worf: No "buts." Sir, request permission to kill the boy.

Picard: (seriously considers it) ... denied, Lieutenant. I'd have to explain it to his mother.

Troi: It seems to be coming from Worf...

[All turn to look at Worf whose teeth are clenched in anger, and whose eyes are roaring with rage.]

Picard: Are you sure? I don't want any more false alarms.

[Suddenly, the ship rocks violently as a barrage of phaser blasts hit it.]

Picard: What was that?

Wesley: A Borg ship just opened fire on us, Captain.

Picard: Why didn't you tell me when it came in range, ensign?

Wesley: I tried, sir, but you wouldn't let me.

Riker: Wesley, a good officer would always disobey his captain's orders if the ship were threatened.

Wesley: But... but...

Worf: No "buts." Sir, request permission to kill the boy.

Picard: A most tempting offer, lieutenant, but one I am afraid I must decline. Wesley's demise and the Borg ship will have to wait. We have an important crisis on our hands. Would everyone please come into my ready room?

[Scene change. They are now inside the ready room, about to have a conference.]

Picard: Mr. Data, do you have any idea why Lt Worf has been so angry?

Data: It could be he has reached the Toyz'r'us stage of his adulthood.

Picard: What does that entail?

Crusher: Every time an adult Klingon male faces some life-threatening crisis, he must play a ritual game of football, with his closest friends and family.

Data: Might I suggest, sir, that the Borg ship only fifteen hundred miles from the Enterprise overrides any ritual game we might otherwise play for Worf's benefit?

Picard: (snorting) Hah! That's easy for you to say! You don't sit directly in front of a man bordering on psychotic behavior who has access to the weapons lockers.

Riker: Besides, in the event that there are hostilities, we'll need Worf at his best.

Picard: (starting at a loud noise) Eh? Someone's firing phasers? Who?

[They emerge from the ready room to discover Worf has destroyed the Borg vessel with the phaser battery used in "Q Who."]

Picard: What is the meaning of this attack on an enemy ship?

Worf: I got sick of these conferences, and decided a little positive action was needed, sir. So I destroyed it. Sir.

[Picard wears one of those looks as if to say we've got to do something before this gets out hand.]

============================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
William Shatner appeared on Arsenio Hall three weeks ago.
A TOS rerun of "Where no man has gone before" is on next.
Joe Isuzu pulls another sneaky on the guys at Honda.
============================================================

[The bridge crew is assembled in Holodeck Five, which has been set up to resemble a 20th century football field.]

Data: But why is my position called "quarterback?" Would not "ballthrower" be more appropriate, as I am to throw the ball?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Data: And why do we call it a "touchdown," when I do not have to touch the ball down to the ground in order to score?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Data: Why do we have an engineer who seems to know so little about things outside his area of expertise?

Geordi: I don't know, Data.

Wesley: So, Worf, what kind of football are we going to play? Two-hand touch?

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* play two-hand touch. We tackle.

[The teams soon split up with Riker, Wesley, Geordi, and Crusher on one team. The other team is Picard, Data, Tasha, Worf, and Troi.]

Picard: Why do we have a dead woman on our defense?

Data: It would seem that one of the writers, when posting to rec.arts.startrek, made reference to putting Tasha on defense.

Picard: That's a very weak defense. Perhaps we should surrender.

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* surrender.

Picard: (overshadowed by the gigantic Worf) I see your point, Lieutenant. Perhaps I spoke in haste.

[The game begins with Riker's team kicking off to Picard's. Worf catches it and rushes forward. Wesley gets in his way and Worf plows him under, leaving him to hang on to Worf's leg. At last Worf trips over Wesley's head and the ball stops on the fifty yard line.]

Troi: Captain, I sense great pain coming from Acting Ensign Crushed.

Data: Surely you mean Acting Ensign Crusher?

Troi: No, I mean acting ensign *crushed*, and don't call me "Shirley."

[The game continues some more, until the two teams are tied in the fourth quarter. Worf has crippled members of both teams, and the ball now sits on the 30 yard line on the fourth down, with Picard's team in possession.]

Picard: Time out!

Data: Has anyone seen my arm? I seem to have lost it when Worf thought I had fumbled.

Troi: Why don't you have Geordi look for it with his VISOR?

Data: He lost it when Worf tackled him.

Picard: (waving his arm to dismiss the small talk) We'll find your arm in due time, Lieutenant. All we need is a field goal to win, so --

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* punt. Sir.

Picard: Then --

Worf: We shall go on to a glorious victory, and crush their spirit forever! We shall score a touchdown!!

Picard: But, Worf --

Worf: Data, I will run straight through to the goal post and you will pass it to me. Captain, you will run out to the right and yell "Here, Data" when you are clear.

Picard: But --

Worf: Time in!!!!

Troi: Captain, I sense great frustration.

Data: Three Point! One Four! One Five! Hike, hike!

Riker: (who was trying to block Worf): AIIIGGGHHHH!!! MY CHEST!! I THINK YOU BROKE A FEW RIBS!!

Worf: Only a few? I must be losing my touch.

[He goes and breaks the rest of them for good measure.]

Picard: (now in the clear) Here, Data!

Data: The Captain's commands outweigh Worf's. Hence, I will throw it to him.

[Data passes the ball to Picard who stands there dumbfounded. Wesley, who was trying to cover Picard intercepts and runs all the way back to his goal post and scores the winning touchdown for his team as the clock runs out.]

Worf: Sir, request permission to kill the ensign.

Picard: (Without hesitation) Granted.

[Worf draws a phaser and shoots Wesley who glows bright red and disappears in the tradition of TOS]

[Back on the bridge... ]

Picard: Now, Mr. Data, if you will get us out of here. Warp Three. Well, Number One, what did you think of our treatment for Mr. Worf's problem?

Riker: (From inside body cast) I think it worked quite well, sir. There's no solution like removing the problem. I think the whole bridge will be better off now that *he's* gone.

Troi: Captain, I sense great satisfaction.

Picard: It's something we should have done back during "Encounter at Farpoint." Stupid brat.

[Suddenly, there is a flash of light and on the set appears... ]

Gene Roddenberry: Now you know how much I liked Wesley, Picard. You can't get rid of him *that* easily. (waves his hand)

Wesley: Wow! What a great football game, huh, Worf?

Troi: Captain, I sense great anger building...

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES...

stardate: saturday morning

No idea who wrote this. To my knowledge it predates the Usenet, and therefore the World Wide Web as well. First saw it myself in 1988 as a college freshman. I am sure it is much older than that. But it remains one of the most creative Star Trek parodies I've ever seen.

Let us suppose the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captain's log would be worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty.

Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ensign Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation.
Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channeled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.

Hugo Weaving's Elrond was a badass

Have you seen Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" yet, and considered how he has reinterpreted Tolkien's work. For example, Elrond.

Tolkien's Elrond was a wise and far-seeing elf who was removed from the events of Middle-earth because the time of the elves was past, and men were now coming into their own. By contrast, Hugo Weaving portrays an embittered immortal Elrond who sees humanity in decline rather than rising to take its place as the elves leave. He even seems surprised by Frodo's decision to take the Ring.

And really, who didn't see "Fellowship of the Ring" and picture the scene at Mount Doom as something like this?

Elrond. I was there the day the strength of men broke, Gandalf.

Flashback: Elrond urges Isildur to throw the Ring into Mount Doom and Isildur refuses.

Elrond. Fine. Have it your way.

He picks up Isildur and tosses him and the Ring in together.

Or, better yet, Elrond tosses Isildur in, but decides to keep the Ring, which is beautiful to his sight. "I was there when the strength of men broke, Gandalf, when they refused to give me the Ring, my preciousssss..."

One can almost imagine the eldar all jockeying to get the Ring from Isildur while resoundly denying having any interest in it. Perhaps Isildur lost the Ring when Galadriel tried to seduce him and steal it from him in his sleep ...

Postmodernism and Christianity, perfect together

Ten years ago at least it was a popular teaching in churches that postmodernism is contrary to the Christian faith.

This is nonsense. Postmodernism is simply a generational outlook that reminds us that a lot of what we hold to be self-evident is based on cultural and personal presuppositions. It involves deconstructing things to get past the accretions of past years and get down to the essentials.

Postmodernism also stresses the importance of relationships. Love expressed in action is fundamental to Christianity, and it certainly leaves people more receptive to a philosophical and religious discussion than simply telling everyone why society is going to hell in a handbag.

As someone who grew up in the postmodern generation -- Gen X, and proud of it -- I can't say I really have a problem with this.

My younger brother became a lot more interested in what I had to say about Christ when I became a missionary. Other people have shown more interest ever since we took in a foster child.

"Let your light shine before men so that men may see your good deeds and praise your Father, who is in heaven" (Matthew 5:16).

It's our job to reach the lost by presenting the gospel in a way that people will understand without altering the Truth of it. If other Christians can't handle that, they'll have to deal.

Getting rid of the feral cats next door

If you're looking to adopt a cat, swing by some time and I'll be happy to give you a whole clowder.

There is a colony of feral cats in my next-door neighbor's yard. Cats qua cats are annoying enough, but these bring fleas into my yard, where the dog and children can get them. They dig up my flowers, and I'm concerned about my wife getting taxioplasmosis or however that's spelled if they decide to have their epiphanies in my vegetable garden.

They do take care of field mice, which is a plus.

I'm torn between calling the city so the animal-control officer will remove the cats, and leaving out a bowl of antifreeze for them to drink.* The first is the proper course of action, but ultimately is ineffective. The latter is quick and painless, but rather final and not likely to make me friends with the animal-rights goons if word gets out.

* Not really.

Good news about 'Attack of the Clones'

Good news on "Attack of the Clones." Lucas apparently actually went and got help with the screenplay ... from an actual screenwriter!

One reviewer who saw a prerelease showing of the movie apparently has said, "It helped ... a little."

The other good news about "Attack of the Clones" is that Jar Jar has a cameo, and that's about it.

It's not as good as a perfectly somber and serious scene in which Jar Jar chokes to death in the background, but it's better than having Jar Jar be the donor of all the DNA needed for the Clone Wars.

The church burns my feet and so I keep moving

I've had a long and storied experience with Pentecostalism

I joined the Assemblies of God soon after my spiritual awakening in 1988. I got a lot out of the church at first; but when I returned from the missions field after two years, I was amazed by a lot of the problems I was starting to notice. There is a lot that is good in Pentecostalism and charismatic churches, and a lot that is true, but there is also a strong tendency to withdraw and to judge those on the outside.

A lot of the wake-up came for me when I returned from Haiti and realized what a different world I was living in from the rest of the church: I actually wanted to help people, instead of telling them to trust God or go to hell; wanted to rely on Scripture for understanding of God, not personal experiences (my own or others); and wanted to experience freedom, not shallow standards of righteousness that deal with superficial issues.

I tried for close for three years to change my church from within, but ultimately conceded that it was too much. I withdrew my membership from the church, read my copy of "Letters to a Devastated Christian" a few times, and cast about for a while for a new place to attend.

The church I attend now is charismatic in the general sense, with a contemporary service and worship  music, but not in the sense that people are speaking in tongues and the gifts of the Spirit are manifesting themselves.

Our old pastor resigned but was hoping to remain involved under the new pastor once things settled in. Naturally, it turned out to be a naive hope that it would happen that way. The new pastor's been here a little over a year, and Mark's family is still looking for a place to go. I'm back in a period of evaluation with my current church.

While I think our pastor is good at motivating others, he's not someone I find I hold in any great respect. I just find him too funny in his shallowness and too easy to make fun of, rather than someone whom I would listen to with rapt attention or to whom I would go with a personal problem.

My main reason for attending is, as before with Easton Assemblies of God, I see a chance to help other people. I also have a number of relationships there that I value, and my daughter has a number of friends there. Plus my wife wants to go there.

Remembering the Evil Christian Fellowship

Of all the group affiliations I had in college, one of my favorites remains the Evil Christian Fellowship.

More disgruntled than actually evil, we were a group of believers who didn't fit in with the local InterVarsity chapter. Some of it was that we weren't on board with the doctrine. Some of it reflected a different view of authority, or a different web of relationships. A big chunk was that we just didn't fit in, and created a semi-clandestine identity for ourselves, even as we remained actively involved in the larger official group.

Jenny wanted to be a part of the team. She envied the chip we had on our shoulders, and had her own problems with the InterVarsity chapter. So one day while she was talking with Dave Block and me, she mentioned the Evil Christian Fellowship in the first person.

Block just stared at her a moment, and then he handed down the ultimate rejection.

"I'm sorry, Jenny, but you're just not evil enough."

New Coke as a Life Moment

About eight years ago, I was talking to my eighth-grade English students at Cradle of Life Christian School about advertising as an example of using language as a means of persuading people to adopt a course of action. Being the hip, young teacher that I was, I trotted out the example of how Pepsi had taken advantage of the chaos created by the New Coke.

Blank stares.

"You know, the new Coke."

No response.

"Oh, come on -- it wasn't that long ago. I was a sophomore in high school, which meant ..." (quick arithmetic as I realize my students all were in training pants or diapers at the time of the New Coke.) "Okay, have any of you ever wondered why it's called Coca-Cola Classic?"

Reassessing: Genesis as the foundation of Scripture

I'm definitely sliding into the Abyss here. The opening chapters of Genesis are foundational for what follows -- Paul in fact builds his entire argument in Romans on the need for Christ on the sin of Adam and the entry of sin into the world.

But I'm not convinced that one needs to go with a literal interpretation of those chapters to get that foundation. The Bible was written in a culture that prized storytelling as a means of conveying Truth. That doesn't mean the stories necessarily are absolutely factual in every detail. It'd pretty damn near impossible anyway. The synoptic gospels quote the same stuff -- the Q source, for lack of a better way to describe it -- with minor alterations like "kingdom of God" for "kingdom of heaven," end stories at different places, and vary on the number of people present at one scene or another.

A friend of mine once told me that the "Literal Six Days" doctrine is only about 400 years old. I don't know whether that's true or not, but it's unlikely to affect my thinking in any way on the matter.

When pressed, I generally go with creationism and an historical Fall because these match my paradigm better. I lack substantive proof either way of life's origins.

Peter Jackson's 'The Two Towers'

They say Peter Jackson is taking liberties with the story as he films "The Lord of the Rings."

The most recent example" In the original book of "The Two Towers," there was only one elf at the battle of Helm's Deep, one dwarf, and many humans. I've heard that the upcoming movie is going to have more elves there than just Legolas. My understanding is that Jackson increased the presence of some of the minor characters, particularly Arwen, since she's going to marry Aragorn.

I'm really not too concerned. This is Jackson's "Lord of the Rings," not Tolkien's; and in any event, if he were to follow the book religiously there wouldn't be much room for innovation, interpretation or creativity.

The same principle applies to his portrayal of Aragorn in the first movie as a man who wasn't set on becoming king of Gondor from the first, or his decision to give Glorfindel's role of rescuing Frodo from the Nazgul in "The Fellowship of the Ring" to  Arwen.

It's his retelling and reinterpretation of the characters that add something to the movie.

(I'm so generous with his Matrix-style fight between Saruman and Gandalf. That was just stupid.)

probably going to hell

Who wouldn't want to support a good cause and make the world a better place?

That was the idea behind a call I got today from the Bible League, asking if we would be willing to contribute money to providing Bibles for Chinese Christians. After listening politely to the caller's brief explanation of what the league is doing, I explained that I've been out of work since Oct. 2 and therefore don't have the money to support their work at this moment.

But, I added, my wife and I are engaged in a very important bit of ministry ourselves. We're providing food, shelter, a home and a family to a foster child suffering severe developmental delays. If the Bible League would be willing to support our work there, we would greatly appreciate it and would guarantee the money would be well spent.

I've never heard anyone get off the line so quickly. It appears making the world a better place isn't for everyone.



Copyright © 2002 by David Learn. Used with permission.


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Want to make a difference on Earth Day? Go organic

Today is Earth Day. Forget for a minute the canard you've Heard about how every day should be Earth Day, and how we should love the earth, our universal mother. Popular as they are, such oversimple sentiments produce little of the meaningful change that Earth Day has been about for the last 34 years. If you want to make a difference, go organic.

That means two things, the simpler being a change in diet, and the second a more encompassing change in lifestyle. A basic organic lifestyle involves a commitment to buying — or, better yet, raising — produce grown without chemical fertilizers, pesticides or defoliant. Part of that is just a matter of taste. Organically grown carrots taste more like carrots, the tomatoes taste more like tomatoes and the apples taste more like apples, than the usual fare we settle for at the supermarket. Once the sole purview of health food stores, organic food in the last several years has moved into America's supermarkets, making it increasingly easier to find, even in the prepared foods section.

If you're already accustomed to eating organic produce, make the leap to other foods. Organic meats can be harder to come by than organic produce, but they are well worth the effort. As with organic produce, organic meat is at once more flavorful and far healthier than conventional meat, coming as it does from animals that are not confined to narrow cages nor subjected to the other inhumane conditions that are a standard practice among factory farms.

Besides food, there are any number of other organic practices that any of us can implement easily and reasonably cheaply. Skip the chemical fertilizers, and build the soil in your yard with natural supplements such as finished compost or organic fertilizers. Forget the pesticides, and add a birdfeeder or bat box to your back yard and let nature take care of the biting, stinging, crawling insects. A commitment to organic gardening makes for a much more beautiful and far healthier lawn in the long run than chemical treatments that leach the natural nutrients out of the soil, put young children at risk, and pollute our waterways.

Like anything else that is worth undertaking, adopting an organic lifestyle is something that will come in stages. Take the first steps today, and make this Earth Day one where you make a difference that will last a lifetime

garden surprise

I was working in my garden and flower beds today when I made two pleasant and unexpected discoveries. The first was that my peas, which I thought had died in the unseasonal cold snap a few weeks ago, in fact had managed to live up to their reputation as a cold-weather crop, and had survived. I didn't have to replant them after all.

The second nice little surprise was about a dozen lettuce plants that have started growing on their own in my garden area. See, some foul fiend stole all the leaves off the lettuce in our garden last summer, and although the plants survived, they never really grew edible leaves again. They did, however, eventually flower and go to seed, and some of those seeds apparently survived when I turned compost into the soil last autumn.

So after moving a half-dozen or so lettuce plants to one of my flower beds and concealing them with violets, I find myself much further along in the gardening game this year than I expected. I even have an unopened packet of lettuce seeds that I had bought to use this year.

Now if I can just find some place to plant my walnut and willow saplings ...

epitaphs

Here also resteth the body of Mr. Thomas Shipphard, who was here interred the 11th July 1771, in the 82nd year of his age. Then follows:

God works wonders now and then; Here lies a lawyer--an honest man.

Source: Historical Gleanings of Bolton And District, 2nd Series, 1882, by B.T. Barton, p. 57

Another one I saw when we visited Tucson two years ago:

Here lies Les Moore,
Took two shots from a .44,
No Les, no more.

Actually, mine probably will be something like, "I told you I was sick," or my last words will be either "Look, honey, I'm not a little kid. Don't you think I know how to change a light bulb?" or "Evangeline, put that down before you hurt someone."

This vacation literally was a pain in the butt

About 25 years ago, when I was a wee lad of 6 or 7 years old, my family went on a weekend trip.

Details are fuzzy; I think it involved an amusement park like Hershey, but it might have been more rustic. As the weekend lengthened my younger brother Ward became progressively more ill-tempered and difficult to get along with. He was especially antsy in the car on the return trip.

When we reached home, Ward bolted out of the car and was the first one into the house once the door was unlocked. Where was he running in such a hurry? The bathroom. Nothing too surprising there, since anyone's going to need to go after a lengthy car trip.

Alas, it was much worse than that. In unfamiliar surroundings for the past weekend, Ward did not know where the bathroom was and was too embarrassed to ask. In a remarkable display of will and intestinal fortitude, he managed to "hold it in" for two whole days.

rooting plants

Found a great gardening tip at on how to get a plant cutting to root against its natural inclination. All you need is a willow branch and boiling-hot water. You cut the willow branch into inch-long pieces and cut them in half lengthwise, and let them soak in the water. (Do not boil the willow pieces.)

What this does is remove from the willow the hormone that lets willow branches root so easily. Into this water you can then dip your cutting from a rose bush or other plant, and start it on the way to growing new roots and becoming an independent plant in its own right.

The page details roses specifically, but it's my understanding that the treatment will work on any number of plants, not just roses. I'll have to get a length of willow branch and try it on a cutting from a rose bush sometime soon.

If that's too much trouble, you can go to the garden center and buy rooting hormone, but this is cheaper and much more satisfying as well because there's a sense of personal accomplishment, much like growing tomatoes from seed instead of from seedlings.

the termite saga continues

Well, the county extension agent was less helpful than I had hoped. In fact, of the two of us, he gained more from the conversation since he now has decided not to use wooden pallets to frame his compost pile. He had never heard of such a problem in the area and had no advice to give except to get rid of the wooden pallets.

I did some research and asked over at Rodale's Organic Gardening forum, and the general consensus seems to be that I should a) get rid of the wooden pallets; and b) scatter wildflower seeds around the compost pile. The flowers will attract ants, and the ants will fight the termites to the death since the two species do not get along.

(The termites apparently are in the compost pile only for warmth and/or moisture, since the pile is pretty much finished and contains nothing of interest to them.)

My father on the hidden dangers of arborism

Sometimes I wonder if my father actually researches the nuggets of knowledge he shares, or if he just makes them all up on the fly.

I was talking with my father Saturday evening, when I mentioned that I had a few saplings in pots that I've been very pleased to see doing so well. The first is a walnut tree that started growing when our neighbor's tree dropped a walnut into a flower pot of ours last year. (I have several other walnut seedlings around the yard, but they never survive the first lawn mowing of the season.)

My father had no comment on this one, which is odd. He's taken seedlings in the past to plant on his mother's farm to help it recover from the strip-mining done there about 20 or 30 years ago.

The second seedling is an apple tree I started from seed this year from an organic apple I bought at the supermarket this past winter. Quoth Dad: "You have to be careful where you plant an apple tree. I would probably plant it out in the middle of your front yard, as far from your house as I could. Their branches spread out up to 30 feet, and will run into the house."

Last is a willow tree I started this spring with a downed and broken willow branch I found walking the dog. Willows root very easily, and their branches also can be used for rooting other plants that otherwise do not root easily.

Quoth good old Dad: "I wouldn't plant that anywhere in your yard. Willow roots spread out 50 feet to find water, and they'll destroy your sewer pipe in no time.

Knowing my father, he's probably right. He does have an uncanny knack for accumulating trivia like this. Still, as I said, none of the trees is planted in the ground, although I have that is the goal. Planting something besides the maple trees everyone has around here has would be nice, and leafy trees also reduce energy bills by blocking the sun in the summer.

There's also a Haitian tradition of planting a tree for each child born to your family. Maybe I should plant the willow in my dad's back yard next spring so it can soak up all the water that floods his property, and let it grow to record heights in a short period.

attack of the clones

Good news on "Attack of the Clones." Lucas apparently actually went and got help with the screenplay ... from an actual screenwriter! One reviewer who saw a prerelease showing of the movie apparently has said, "It helped ... a little."

The other good news about "Attack of the Clones" (besides N'Sync being fed to the Sarlaac) is that Jar Jar has a cameo, and that's about it. Granted, it's not as good as my daydream of having a perfectly somber and serious scene in which Jar Jar chokes to death in the background, but it's better than having Jar Jar be the donor of all the DNA needed for the Clone Wars.

No, I don't plan to see it.

The Great New Years Eve Tuba Processional

One New Year's, my brother and I decided to ring in the new year by walking around the block while playing our tubas as loudly as we could and wishing people a happy new year when they came out of their houses to yell at us.

I was, I think, in 10th grade. My brother Ward was in eighth grade. Who would have known that all those people would be trying to sleep between midnight and 1 a.m.?

We woke up one of our schoolmates, who decided to come out and join us. Unfortunately for Chris, we also woke his father, who discovered the back door was unlocked and latched it, unaware that his son was marching around the block with us, without a key.

in the beginning

I recently finished a rather fascinating book titled "In the Beginning," about the origins of the King James Bible. It's a rather well-written book and although the author -- Alister McGrath of "Christianity Today" -- doesn't really get into all the controversy generated in some circles today, he does give a rather interesting description of the blatantly political manuevering that went into making sure the "right" scholars translated the Scriptures so that it would reflect a pro-Anglican, pro-monarchy bias.

He also touches briefly on some of the problems they had translating the Bible, such as the translators' infamiliarity with koine Greek and a few other difficulties to boot.

What is the silliest explanation you have ever heard as to why the King James Bible is the only one Christians should use? My personal favorite: Contemporary Bibles like the NIV have removed 4,000 verses from the Bible and actually assign divine titles to Satan and vice versa.